“I have to get out of here.” I tried to pull my arm free.
“C’mon, Audrey.” He didn’t sound so angry anymore. “It’s not safe out there, for fuck’s sake. I don’t want another dead girl on my conscience.”
“But what happened to Ana wasn’t your fault. You know the truth now—it was mine.”
He turned away from me so I couldn’t read his expression. “Just shut the door, Audrey. I’ll take you home,” he said quietly.
Twenty-seven
Several weeks had gone by without a word from Rad. My whole life had come crashing to a halt. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Lucy what had happened. She skittled around me cautiously during those dark days, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing.
I hardly got out of bed, ignoring my deadlines with See! Sydney and the frantic calls from Sam and Trinh. Lucy must have told them what had happened because after a while, the calls stopped. I knew I was jeopardizing my career, but all I could think about was Rad. Now that he was gone, nothing seemed to matter. I kept going over that night in the car when I confessed to him about Ana, and I wished I could take it all back.
The minutes, hours, and days crawled slowly by, as a sickening feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. I could still perform the basic human functions, but I felt soulless. Every time I came across something that reminded me of Rad, the dull, throbbing ache would rise to a sharp, painful crescendo, and the shock of it was almost too much to bear.
One day, Lucy, tired of tiptoeing around me, finally had enough. She marched into my room that morning and threw the curtains back. “Audrey, you’re a mess. Have a shower; have something to eat. If you don’t, I’m calling your mother.”
The sunlight hurt my eyes, and the thought of food made my stomach turn. But the threat of my mother’s involvement was much worse, so I got up and stumbled blindly like an automaton into the shower. The water felt good on my skin, and when I emerged twenty minutes later, I actually was a little hungry.
Lucy made some cheese toasties and set them outside on the courtyard table with two cups of coffee. I sat down, taking small bites at first, then wolfing the rest down.
“I don’t really know what’s going on with you and Rad,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee, “but I know how much you miss him.” She looked at me, putting her mug down with a sharp clatter. “Look, I know he must be thinking about you too. I see how you are with each other. He lights you up. I’ve never seen you so happy.”
I thought I was all cried out, but the tears rolled from my eyes like they had been lying in wait, ready to ambush me.
“Audrey, why don’t you call him?”
“He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Why? What did you do that was so bad?”
I shook my head and looked at her, bitter despair coursing through my body. “It’s over, Lucy. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
I dropped by the office later that afternoon. It had taken all my strength and willpower to leave the house. As I walked into Sam’s office, her expression was a conflicted mix of reproach and concern. “How are you?” The concern seemed to win out, as her eyes scanned my face.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit. Just going through some stuff.”
“That’s okay,” she said, motioning to the chair across her desk. I sat down, my palms flat on my knees. “Trinh has been covering for you these past few weeks, and we have a new girl in too. She doesn’t have your flair, but, hey, that’s why we have editors.”
“I’m really sorry to leave you and Trinh in the lurch.”
Sam sighed. “Is this about Rad?”
“Yeah, we broke up.”
“Sorry to hear that, sweetie—he was a real darling too.” She shook her head regretfully. “What a shame.”
“Sam, I have to get away.”
“Away?” A look of alarm crossed her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” I said, not quite sure where I was going with the conversation. It was something I hadn’t realized until that moment. “I need to get away from here.”
“Are you telling me you want to quit? Audrey, think about this carefully. You’ve got a great thing going here.”
“I know; I’ve been so happy here—”
“And I’ve been very happy with you,” she cut in quickly. “Everyone in the office adores you.”
“You’ve all been so good to me, and I appreciate it—I truly do. But I need to get away, even if it’s just for a while.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve come such a long way since you’ve been here, and you’re now one of my best writers. But you know I can’t keep your job on hold.”
“I understand that,” I said, numbly. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I’ve got to go someplace and clear my head. I can’t stay here any longer.”
She looked at me for the longest time. “Where are you planning on going?” she asked finally.
“I have to go to Colorado.” The words came as a surprise, but as soon as they were out of my mouth, I sensed it was the right thing. At once, my mind conjured a vision of a new life in a small town where no one knew who I was. “I have some savings leftover. I’m just going to take some time out. Maybe write a book.”
Sam sat back in her chair and sighed. “You’ll send me a postcard, won’t you? When you get there?”
“I will,” I promised.
I stood up, and she walked me through the office and out the door.
“I’ll miss seeing your pretty face around here,” she said, giving me a hug. “Trinh will be disappointed. She had a soft spot for you.”
“Is she in today?”
Sam shook her head. “She’s coming in tomorrow. I’ll pass on the news to her then.”
“Thanks, Sam.” I gave her a grateful smile.
She nodded. “You take care, now.”
Lucy began fussing over me like a mother hen when I told her my plans. “Colorado? Why Colorado?”
“I don’t really know,” I said, folding another T-shirt and placing it neatly into my suitcase.
“Has Colorado got anything to do with Rad?”
“No, this is what I need to do—for myself.”
“But Colorado—that’s Rad’s name. I thought you were trying to get over him. I mean, why not . . . I don’t know . . .” she threw up her arms, “Denmark? Why Colorado?”
“Because—” I began, then sighed. “Look; I can’t explain it. I know it sounds crazy, but I just have this feeling that I need to be there.”
“Okay,” she said, looking bewildered. “And do you have to go right away? What’s the rush?”
I took my Audrey jacket from its hanger and put it on my bed.
“I’m going to leave you with some money for the bills and stuff.”
“Don’t worry about it. Mum and Dad have my back.”
I smiled at her gratefully. “Thanks, that would be a great help.”
“Have you told your parents?”
“Yeah, they’re cool with it.”
“Even your mother?”
“Even my mother.”
My relationship with Mum had sunken to an all-time low after the stunt she pulled at Christmas lunch, so she had been on her very best behavior ever since. She even loaned me a generous sum for my trip.
“Audrey,” Lucy was suddenly tearful, “what am I going to do without you?”
When I told Ida, she raised her eyebrows and stubbed out her cigarette on the red heart-shaped ashtray that was a permanent fixture on her desk. She leaned forward and looked as though she was about to say something, but I quickly cut her off.