On the morning I was due to fly out, Lucy came into my room with a breakfast tray of scrambled eggs on toast and bits of burnt bacon.
“Ta-da!” she announced proudly.
“Thanks, Lucy,” I said, taking the tray from her.
“So you’re all set?”
“All set.”
A few hours later, I was putting my phone and passport into my leather satchel.
“All packed?” asked Lucy.
“Yes, I’ve been all packed for the last week.”
“You sure you don’t want me to drive you to the airport?”
“No, I want to do it alone.”
Her eyes filled up, and I held my arms out and hugged her. “Love you, sweetie,” she said. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Me too.” I squeezed her tightly. “I’ll call you first thing when I land.”
There was a honk outside, and I pulled away from Lucy, holding both her hands.
“My cab is here. You’ll be okay, won’t you?”
“Of course. You know Freddy practically lives here anyway. Maybe I’ll convince him to move in officially.”
“Good luck dragging him away from his momma,” I said, with a smile. Freddy was a kid at heart, and I couldn’t imagine him flying the coop just yet.
She rolled her eyes. “That woman drives me mad!”
“She loves you, though. His whole family adores you.”
“Can you blame them?” She grinned, then her expression saddened. “I can’t believe you’re really going.”
I gave her another quick hug. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
As the car pulled out of my street, I nervously fingered the rubber band around my left wrist. I gazed out the window anxiously, as the city streets flashed by. Every sight, every sound, felt so much like Rad. I thought of that beautiful spring day when he turned up at my office in the pink Cadillac. That night when we kissed for the first time, under the stars. My phone rang all of a sudden, jolting me out of my daydream. I picked it up, my heart drumming loudly in my chest.
“Audrey.” It was Sam.
“Hey.”
“Have you left yet?”
“I’m just on my way to the airport.”
“Do you a have a minute to stop by? There’s a package that just came for you.”
I checked the time. I was running early. “Yeah, I can make a quick stop.”
Sam was waiting for me downstairs with a brown envelope in her hand. “A courier brought this in for you just after lunch,” she said as I got out of the cab. I took it from her outstretched hand and looked at it curiously. My heart skipped a beat when I recognized Rad’s writing on the front.
For Audrey
I tucked it into my satchel and pulled the zip across. “Thanks, Sam.”
She gave me a warm smile. “Take care.” She gave me a quick hug and glanced quickly at her watch. “I should get going; I’m running late for my eleven o’clock. Don’t be a stranger now, okay?”
Sam hurried off, blowing me a kiss. I stood there for a few moments, taking in the buildings that I knew like the back of my hand. I realized how happy I’d been here, and with a small pang of regret, I wondered whether I was making the right decision. In the distance I could hear the familiar sound of rock music coming from the Stairway to Heaven Church a few buildings down. The music came to a stop, and a small crowd of people filed out of the large, heavy doors and made their way down the street.
“Audrey?”
To my surprise, I turned around and saw Duck standing there.
“Hi!” he said, with a smile.
“Duck, you look great!” I thought back to how he was at the Christmas lunch, quiet and withdrawn. Now he looked like his regular old self again.
“I feel great,” he said, his head motioning toward the church. “I think I’ve found what I’ve been looking for.”
A pretty brunette wandered up to us and linked her arm through Duck’s. “Audrey, this is my girlfriend, Angela.”
She smiled brightly at me. “Hi, Audrey. Lovely to meet you.”
“Lovely to meet you too,” I said.
Duck beamed at me. “I told you, didn’t I? Everything happens for a reason.”
Duck’s words rang in my ears as I sat in the cab heading toward the airport. I felt like a bird, feathers shed and poised to take flight.
Everything happens for a reason.
I dug into my handbag and took out the brown envelope, running my fingers across the ink where Rad had dragged his pen in the shape of my name. Whatever happened next, I knew it would never compare to what was. I would have to live my whole life knowing I would never find someone else like him, but I already knew I wouldn’t. Taking a deep breath, I ripped open the envelope and reached inside, my stomach wound tightly in knots. It was a copy of Inside UFO 54-40. I flipped through the pages until I saw Rad’s writing, scribbled on the page where Ultima shone like a beautiful mirage, an impossible dream.
We never made it, did we?
PART TWO
Whirlpools
I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.
Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea—
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me.
One
Rosie’s Diner was at the end of a small trek down a hilly road and up the main street of Delta. For the past few weeks, it had been my ritual to trudge along the same path, rain or shine or (as I’ve grown accustomed to) snow. I’d make my way on many cold, dismal days, like a moth to flame, into the warmth of those four walls.
I arrived in Colorado at the start of winter without a plan or destination in mind. After a short and uneventful stint in Denver, I flew to Montrose before boarding the first bus that struck my fancy. It took me to Delta, where I spent the last few weeks in a dingy motel with a dodgy radiator, pouring through the local classifieds for a place to stay. I walked a lot during those first days—all over the main part of town past quaint shops with brightly colored awnings and festive murals painted on the sides of buildings. I hiked across parklands and rushing rivers with no direction in mind. I returned at the end of each day and slipped back into my room like a ghost, wondering what the hell I was doing out here all on my own. During those cold, sleepless nights, I felt desolate and unsure, discouraged and homesick.
The turning point came when by chance I wandered into Rosie’s Diner, which was staffed by Rosie herself, a cheerful middle-aged woman with strands of silver hair threaded through her dark, wiry locks. On my first visit, I tried a slice of her gooseberry pie, and it warmed me in a way that nothing else had in a long time. After that, I kept going back day after day, and we struck up a friendship.
“Morning, sweetheart,” said Rosie as I pushed through the heavy glass door.
“Morning, Rosie,” I answered, sliding into my regular booth. She came over with a slice of lemon tart and a pot of coffee.
“You’re still looking for a place to stay, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, I’m not having much luck. I can’t seem to find anything in my price range, and I’m burning through my savings quicker than I thought.”
“Well, I’ve got some great news for you.”
“Really?” I unzipped my brown satchel and pulled out my laptop.