“Who? Christopher and Maddie?”
“Yeah,” I look at River again and then my eyes drop to her mouth. “I’ve been watching them kiss. They make it look like it’s a nice thing to do.”
River stands up quickly and she shoves her hands in her pockets. “I suppose it could be a nice thing for two people to share if they like each other.”
“You haven’t kissed someone?” I get up, too, walking closer to her.
“No … I mean … yes.” She takes a deep breath, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. “I kissed that stable boy once. I didn’t like it and you know the rest.”
I take another step closer to her and I like that she has to look up at me. It makes me feel strong.
“I haven’t kissed someone,” I whisper. I wonder if River will let me kiss her. “Will you kiss me, River?”
“Me?” she sputters and takes a step back. “You don’t want to kiss me, Jack. Wait until you meet a girl who makes your heart beat faster and gives you butterflies. Let your first kiss be special. When you find that girl it will so be worth the wait.”
I feel a sliver of disappointment crawl into my heart but I understand what River is saying. We walk back to the house and after I’ve eaten we spend some time working on my writing. I can make all the letters from A to G. River says she’s proud of my progress and it makes me feel warm inside that I’ve done something to please her.
~*~
Chapter Fourteen
River~
I’m glad Jack didn’t turn back into himself after the episode with Beverly. I could have killed that woman when I heard what she did! I had Kyle blindfold her and take her a few towns over before he made sure she got on the bus. Most of the slaves are blindfolded or out cold when they come here, so that no one can find us if they choose to leave.
It’s a few nights later that Jack asks, “Can I ask you something?”
I snuggle into his chest. It’s become my favorite place to be. “Sure,” I answer sleepily.
“After the party you told me that you like to watch, that it turns you on, was that the truth?”
I look up at him. “Why do you ask?” It’s been weeks, almost two months since Jack came here. I’m surprised that he even remembers what I said that night.
“I was just wondering.”
I love when Jack talks to me. I don’t want him to ever stop. I answer his question hoping it will keep him talking. “I don’t like to watch, Jack. It’s just a cover I use for the parties so I can get in. They think I have a collection of slaves that I play with, like someone might play with a doll. It’s the only thing I could think of so it wouldn’t be expected of me to have sex with slaves.”
His hand comes up and he takes a few strands of my hair between his fingers, just playing with it.
I can feel how tense he is so I try to encourage him. “Talk to me, Jack.”
“It’s just,” he twirls the strands around his finger and then lets it go, “The other day when I saw Christopher and Maddie kissing, I felt something. I can’t put it in words, but I thought maybe I was like you. I thought I could get turned on if I watched.”
“Is it just with Christopher and Maddie, or do you think it would work if you watched porn?”
He shakes his head adamantly. “Not porn, that would be the same as watching a slave being fucked.” His harsh words make me cringe a little. It’s seldom Jack talks like that and I don’t like it. It’s bitter and hateful and I don’t want him to feel those feelings. “Christopher and Maddie have something and it shows when they’re together,” he murmurs.
“They love each other, Jack. That’s the difference,” I finally get what he’s trying to figure out. Jack has never seen love! My heart reaches out to this beautiful man who has suffered so much.
His eyes meet mine and I can see the look of wonder blossoming on his face. “Love,” he whispers, “so that’s what it looks like?”
I smile and nod. “Yeah, Jack. But there are all kinds of love. Christopher and Maddie love each other the way a couple would. Miss Ella loves us all as if we were her children. I love Adam, because he’s my best friend.”
“Do you love me?” His question is so innocent that it tugs at my heartstrings.
“Yes, Jack. I love you.”
“Like you love Adam?”
Jack is the most inquisitive person ever! Heat creeps up my neck as I whisper, “No, not like I love Adam. I love every person in my life differently. I love our nights together and the time we spend on lessons. I love watching you work and seeing you find yourself. I just love you, Jack. There’s no category for you because you’re special to me.”
His hand comes to my cheek and he gently brushes the tips of his fingers down to the line of my jaw.
Tiny tingles jump from his fingers to my skin, making me highly aware of his body.
Jack leans into me and then his lips are on mine. At first I’m too shocked to stop him. Then the kiss grows more intense. He must have learned a lot from watching Christopher and Maddie, because he’s not kissing like it’s his first time.
Jack covers me with his body and I feel him grow hard against my thigh. I quickly yank away and then scramble out from under him. I fall off the bed, but quickly get up. My hands flutter everywhere, straightening my clothes.
Jack sits on the bed looking confused. Well, that makes two of us. I touch my fingertips to my lips, still stunned by what just happened.
Jack looks down at his tented boxers and his confusion quickly turns to wonder.
“That can never happen again!” I walk to the door but before I leave I whisper, “I think it’s better if you sleep in your own bed from now on.”
Jack is still too raw to know any better. I should have seen it coming! I’m such a fool.
I walk out onto the patio and lean against the wooden railing. I stare blankly into the night trying to gather my confused thoughts.
“What’s nipping at your heals?” Adam suddenly says from the dark corner.
I go to where he is and sit down. “Jack kissed me.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes, it’s bad! He’s still healing. I don’t want to take advantage of him.”
“How are you taking advantage of him if he kissed you?”
“He doesn’t know any better and I do.”
“So if I were to kiss Sophia that would be wrong?”
I glance at him, worried where he’s going with this conversation. “Are you telling me or asking me, Adam.”
He sighs heavily and then says, “I suppose I’m asking you.”
“I don’t know.” My whole body slumps back against the chair. “Honestly, I don’t know. You and Sophia are a different story. Sophia is different from Jack. I’m different from you.”
“That’s not an answer, River!”
“Because, there is no right answer!” I jump up again, feeling antsy.
“There is always an answer, it just might not be what you want to hear,” Adams says in a low tone that makes his voice rumble. When he uses that tone on me I know he’s about to get serious.
I turn back to Adam. “Then tell me the answer!”
He gets up and comes to stand in front of me. “It’s not wrong for two people to enjoy each other if they both want to. I think you want Jack to kiss you, but you’re scared.”
Anger bubbles up inside of me, hot and fast. “I’m not scared of Jack! He will never hurt me.”
“I didn’t say you were scared of Jack. You’re scared of what he means to you.”
I frown, not following Adam at all.
He shoves a hand through his hair and then his grey eyes pin mine. “You want to kiss him. You want to be with him, but then you’ll have to admit that your whole life has been a lie. You say you hate sex and I understand where you’re coming from with that, but I think you’re hiding behind your past and refusing sex because you’re scared you’ll turn out to be just like your father.”