The past few weeks I’ve been hiding from myself. I didn’t want to face what happened - I couldn’t. Momma’s death, David’s betrayal and all the years I’ve let people do sick and twisted things to me – it’s as if it just happened all over again.
I had to get River away from me. I didn’t want her to see me like that.
I’m being bombarded by flashes of Momma’s burning body, the strange smile that she had on her face as she died. I keep feeling hands on me. I keep seeing David fucking Sophia. I keep hearing his words and they’re mixing with all the other voices in my head – all the degrading comments that have been flung my way over the years.
‘You’re nothing but a fuck … Thanks for all the money you made us you dumb fuck … Every hole has an expiration date and you’ve reached yours … new Ferrari I bought … you’re nothing but a fuck.’
As soon as the elderly doctor walks into the room, I leave him to see to Miss Ella.
I run to the chapel and I kneel on the floor between all the flowers and bonsai. I smell like smoke and I’m covered in soot and grime, but this is all I have strength for right now – to just kneel here as the repulsive and disgusting memories tear me apart.
Sorrow and bitterness consumes me until there’s nothing left. I cry for the mother I lost. I cry for the brother I lost and the monster that was reborn in his place. David was pocketing the money made from my body being used and he squandered it on things like cars and who knows what else.
All the pain and suffering I endured - all the rapes and beatings – all for a car.
The Westbrooks might have treated me like a dog, but David was much worse. To him I was nothing more than a bank balance.
For so long hope kept me going, but now I know that hope is nothing more than a weakness. Hope breaks you. Hope gives you faith that something might change, but in the end it leaves you with all the empty promises you made yourself. Hope destroys your soul.
Shame consumes me for all the times I let men and women fuck me because I kept telling myself I was doing it for David. Tears stream down my face as I remember the first time I was forced to suck a Sven’s cock. I remember the first time I was tied down and raped by the other slaves because they had to show me how it was done. Everybody in that house hurt me in some way. The slaves would rape and beat each other, even go as far as to kill the weaker ones. They would fight to be the strongest and most wanted. As long as you were wanted you were worth something.
It feels like I’m suffering from delayed shock as I remember the first time I was forced to attend a party and how they made me come against my will.
The memories degrade me until I’m empty. All that’s left is an itch that’s crawling over my skin as if a thousand ants are trying to burrow their way in.
I tear the shirt from my body and get rid of my shoes. Dressed only in jeans I kneel again. This is all I’ve become. This is all that’s left of me.
There’s no more hiding behind the nine year old boy like I’ve been doing for the past months. That little boy had hopes and dreams – but he’s gone now.
I’m a twenty-seven year old man with a heart full of vengeance and hatred.
~*~
It’s still dark when I knock on Adam’s door. It doesn’t take him long to answer, which means he was already up.
“Jack,” he looks shocked to see me.
I’m still covered in grime, dressed only in my jeans. My whole body is trembling with rage. “I need your help,” I whisper.
He glances behind him before he steps outside and closes the door behind him. “Let’s go look at the damage that’s been done to the stables and then we can talk.”
We walk in silence until we reach the stables. Only piles of ash and wood cover the ground.
“What can I help with?” Adam asks as he starts to pick up some of the bigger pieces of wood.
I start to help him and I start to tell him my plan. “I want to go back to Cameron.” His head snaps up and I see the shock on his face so I quickly explain, “The past few weeks I’ve been living in a trance. I need to go back and make them pay for what they’ve done to me.”
“So you want revenge?” I can see Adam doesn’t like the idea.
“I’m going to go back and kill them. You can come with and help me or I’ll go by myself, but those monsters need to pay for what they have done.”
“How do you plan on making them pay?”
“That’s why I need you. I want to go when it’s one of Cameron’s busy nights. I want to get as many people as possible. You can take me as your slave. Just get me in and I’ll do the rest.”
“You still haven’t told me what you’re planning to do once I get you in.”
I point to the stables. “Did you see how quickly it all burned down?”
Adam nods and I can see he’s starting to understand me. “They burned my mother so I want to make sure every last one of them burns the same way.”
Adam takes a deep breath and then stares at the pile of debris. I don’t push him for an answer. I just carry on working, clearing all the rubble to the side. We work side by side for most of the day and it’s only in the late afternoon that Adam says, “I’ll do it.”
I drop the piece of wood I was carrying and I stare at Adam. He comes to stand really close to me and whispers, “I’ll do it because I can’t imagine what you and Sophia must have gone through. But you need to understand what you’re going to be doing. You’re going to kill people. I’m doing it to stop them. There is no right reason for killing another human being, but when they are so far above the law then it’s up to people like us to stop them. I want you to make sure that you can do it. I don’t want to get there and you freeze up on me. We’ll be endangering everyone here if someone sees us.”
“If we’re going to a party or scheduling a meeting they will see us,” I state the obvious.
“We don’t have to attend the party. We just go, set the place alight and make sure no one leaves alive. Then we get our asses out of there.”
“As long as they die.” That’s the important part.
“They will.” Adam wipes the sweat from his brow and then looks at the manor. “We have to tell River.”
“No!” I shake my head hard. I don’t want her involved.
“She’s my business partner and best friend, Jack. I will not go behind her back. Secrets only destroy trust.”
I understand what he’s saying but I still don’t like it. I know she’s going to try and stop us. She thinks I’m some lost puppy she picked up, a kid that can’t think for himself. I guess I am partially to blame for her thinking that. I practically disappeared the past few weeks. I did what was expected of me. I lived in a safe bubble trying to hide from myself and the pain.
But, now there’s no more hiding. It’s time to deal with all the destructive memories and the only way to do that is to eliminate the cause of them.
~*~
Chapter Twenty
River~
Doc stayed the night. Even though Miss Ella keeps saying that she’s fine, he won’t budge from her side. They’ve been arguing non-stop ever since Miss Ella opened her eyes! They’ve had this love-hate relationship for years and usually it’s funny to watch, but today it’s going to drive me to drink.
Everybody is back at work, as if nothing happened yesterday. No one is asking what happened to Colby and Beverly, they know better than to get involved, but I do hope it serves as a warning to them all. I don’t ever want to go through a repeat of what happened last night.
I’m holding off on freeing anyone else from slavery until I know that I can trust the group living here one hundred percent. There’s no use in bringing in new people if the old ones are out of control.
I peek outside and see that Jack and Adam are still busy over by the stables. With a huff I take a seat at the kitchen table again.