I was just about to fall asleep when she started to talk to me.
“I’m so scared, Jeff.”
“Why are you scared, baby?”
“What if I can’t have kids?”
“What? Ari, why would you even think that? Women have miscarriages and then have other kids all the time.”
“Do you think I’ll be a good mother? I mean, like my mom? If we do have a child with Fragile X, can I.”
I leaned over and kissed the back of her head. I wanted nothing more than to just take her away from all of this. If only I could turn the hands of the clock back to this morning, I would have never walked away from her.
“Ari, I have no doubt in my mind, baby, that you’re going to be a wonderful mother. I see you with Matt. I see the love and patience you have with him. I’m in awe when I watch you. I love you, Ari, and I’m so sorry I did this to you.”
She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and I could tell she was crying.
Then, for the hundredth time tonight, the guilt hit me like a brick wall. All I wanted to do was call Rebecca and tell her how much I hated her. What good would that do though?
“Jeff?”
I cleared my throat and attempted to talk.
“Yeah, baby?”
“I really started to love the idea of having our baby. I feel like I took that away from you. Just because we lost her doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have been able to feel the same joy I felt. But now…now, I just feel like a huge part of me is missing, like I just lost the most precious gift ever, and I never even gave you the chance to feel it also. What type of person does that make me?”
My heart was hurting so bad in my chest that I couldn’t breathe. I had to get up. I started to sit up carefully, so I didn’t move the bed too much. I didn’t want to hurt Ari.
Ari slowly turned, trying to sit herself up.
I felt like I was going to be sick. I knew there was something wrong the moment I had Rebecca’s baby in my arms. Instead of being happy, I’d felt sad, like I had just lost something. I knew in that moment, the baby wasn’t mine, but what I didn’t know was that I was truly losing my own child.
“Ari, what time did you fall off of the horse?”
“What difference does it make?”
“I just want to know.”
“I don’t know. It was probably an hour, maybe an hour and a half after you left. Why?”
I leaned over and started taking deep breaths. This was my fault. If I hadn’t left her, she would have never gone riding. She would’ve told me about the baby, and we would be home right now, making love...celebrating...and hoping Garrett didn’t walk in on us.
I had taken that gift from her. I tried with all my might not to do, it but I started to cry. I fell to my knees and just lost it. I took our child away from her.
The next thing I knew, Ari was on the floor next to me, holding me while I just cried.
“I’m so sorry, Ari. I’m so very sorry I left y’all. Oh god…please forgive me.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Jeff. I’m to blame, and so is Rebecca. If she’d never tried to deceive you or if I had just told you the moment I found out about the baby...none of this would’ve happened. Please don’t blame yourself. Please, baby, don’t. We’re going to get through this…you and me together. Just promise me one thing.”
“God, I would promise you the world, Ari.”
“Please don’t ever let me feel like I felt when you left me today. I never want to feel like that again.”
I gently moved her onto my lap and kissed her. The kiss soon turned passionate, and Ari let a soft moan escape her mouth. I just wanted to lose myself in her.
“Make love to me, Jeff.”
I had to start laughing. “Um, did you forget where we were, baby?”
Ari looked around the hospital room and made a face.
“Fuck a duck.”
Just then the nurse walked and immediately stopped, staring at us.
“What happened? Why are y’all on the floor? Ms. Peterson, why are you on the floor?”
“I’m not on the floor. I’m on my fiancé’s lap.”
“Why are you on his lap on the floor?”
“Can I go home now? Please,” Ari said as she looked at the nurse and gave her a pouty face.
The nurse shook her head as she walked over to us and looked down. I felt like I was in middle school, and we just got caught making out.
“Mr.?”
“Johnson, Jeff Johnson.” I smiled up at the nurse.
She gave me a stern look in return. Yep, this felt just like middle school, especially knowing I didn’t want Ari to get up just yet because of my hard-on. Ari must have been thinking the same thing I was because she took it a step further as she rubbed her ass on me. Turning to face me, she gave me a Cheshire Cat grin. Damn, could I love her anymore?
I leaned over and kissed her. Pulling slightly away from her lips, I smiled.
“I love you.”
Ari giggled. “I love you, too.”
“Alright, let’s go. Let me help you up, Ms. Peterson. Now, take it nice and slow. Once we get you in bed, I will give you your pain pill.”
After we got Ari back into bed, she slid over and patted the bed for me to get in. I started to climb on until I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me back.
“I don’t think so, Jeff Johnson. If you want your own bed to lie down in, I can probably arrange that for you since I’m starting to lose my patience.”
“Wow, where did you go to nursing school? School of hard knocks?”
“Do you want to stay in here or in the waiting room?” the nurse asked with a straight face.
Jesus, this nurse was in a mood. Smiling at her, I put my hands up in defeat as I walked over to the small-ass sofa to sit down.
“That’s better. Now, Ms. Peterson, is there anything else I can get you besides some pain medicine?”
Ari smiled and shook her head. The nurse gave Ari her medicine, and she swallowed the pill. I watched the nurse help adjust Ari, and then she glanced up at me giving me a dirty look.
“Good night…” I looked at her name tag. “Nurse Maggie Jones. Hey, Jay-Z has a song you might like. It’s called “Hard Knock….”
“Jeff! Let’s allow Ms. Jones to get back to work now. I’m sure she doesn’t care about any songs.” Ari then turned to the nurse. “Thank you so much for your help. I promise, cross my heart.” Ari said, her index finger crossing over her heart, “that I will not get out of bed. She flashed that beautiful smile of hers at Maggie.
Maggie smiled at Ari and then turned and walked over to me. Why does this woman make me feel like I’m about to be sent to the principal’s office?
“I’ve got my eye on you. She needs her rest, and she isn’t going to get it with you making her get on the floor and sit on your lap.”
“Wait a minute, I didn’t.”
“Shhh! I will make you sit in the waiting room all night if you don’t allow her some rest. Do I make myself clear, Mr. Jeff Johnson?”
I looked up at her. “Did you just shush me?”
Ari let out a small laugh before she moaned. Jumping up, I was at her side so fast that Maggie didn’t know what had happened.
“Ari, are you okay?” I stroked the side of her face as I leaned down to kiss her.
“Maggie, please, Jeff is fine. What I’d really like is for us to be left in private, please.”
After another look that surly should have dropped me dead on the spot, Maggie warned me that she would be back in two hours to take Ari’s vitals and I better not be in Ari’s bed.
After she’d left the room, I walked around the bed and crawled in next to Ari.
***
We talked for the next hour about so many things: our future, the horses, more kids. Ari cried a few times, and I tried my best to hold back the tears.
Right before she drifted off into sleep, I whispered in her ear, “I love you, Ari, so much.”
“Just promise me that everything is gonna be okay, Jeff. Please just tell me that it’s all going to be okay.”
“I promise, baby. Everything is going to be better than okay.”
I held Ari in my arms while she slept. I wanted nothing more than to protect her from ever hurting like this again. Tears rolled down my face as I thought about how I was the one who had hurt her, causing her pain yet again. I made a promise to myself right then that I would never hurt her again. I’d die before I’d ever cause her any more pain.