"Doctor," the midget said sternly, "if you were living in Bad Ass, wouldn't you want action now?"
"Well, undoubtedly, but if you'll just send me your literature…"
("Oh, Ace, darling, darling," a female voice near the phone said distinctly.)
There was a startled pause; the midget deliberately let it drag out until the doctor spoke again.
"Er, mark the envelope to my personal attention. You can be sure that the Bad Ass crisis has been very much on my mind. Terrible, simply terrible. But ah now I must be back to my business-"
("Fuck my cunt, Ace! Oh, fuck my cunt!")
"Doctor," the midget said sternly, "are you fornicating while you're talking to me? Is that your answer, sir, to the desperate people of Bad Ass?"
("Now, now!!!" the voice screeched. "Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus NOW!!!!!!!!")
Beautiful, the midget thought; I couldn't have called at a better time. "Dr. Dashwood," he said stiffly, "I don't think you are really the sort who will add stature to the Fair Play for Bad Ass Committee." He hung up jarringly.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
He set off for the post office and Stage Two of his campaign, smiling all the way-except once when he encountered one of the giant women, walking her enormous Saint Bernard, and he prudently crossed the street.
THE DREADED NEUROLOGICAL ARMY
Being keys themselves, their keylessness does not matter.
–richard ellman, Ulysses on the Liffey
On March 2, 1984, Simon Moon found a peculiarity while scanning the Beast's memory banks for the Chicago police.
There seemed to be two possible totals for the number of police officers in Chicago.
Simon was intrigued. He began searching all the Chicago police records. What he found was so interesting that he mentioned it to Clem Cotex, whom he happened to be meeting for lunch that day.
Cotex was not concerned with things as mundane as police records, so it took a while before he heard what Simon was saying.
"Hold it," Clem said when it finally registered. "Did you say 198?"
"Yes, exactly," Simon said. "There are pay vouchers for 198 officers less than there are uniforms for. In other words, there are 198 cops in Chicago who aren't being paid. Weird, huh?"
"One hundred ninety-eight," Cotex repeated, eyes wide. "The exact number… Were they all over the department, these extras, or were they clustered?"
"That's even stranger," Simon said. "They're all in the Red Squad…"
That same day Markoff Chaney was hiding in a coffee urn at Orgasm Research, hatching further mischief.
The clock struck midnight; the cleaning women left; and out crept Chaney with an evil grin.
Alas, he was not the only intruder that night, for as he padded lightly down the hall he suddenly heard a hoarse voice in one of the laboratories.
"Better than human, are you, you @*)@' amp;0ing #$% amp;'#er? Better than human, my %$# amp;! Take this, you $%#)*$#-eating #$%%$*er!"
The voice was near inarticulate with rage, but it was clearly that of a jealous male, as any ethologist would easily recognize. Markoff slowly opened the door and peeked around the corner.
There in the dim light, fully dressed and in his wrong mind, stood the idol of millions, the world's leading rock guitarist, Knorton ("Grassy") Knoll, feverishly working with a monkey wrench upon an object the likes of which Markoff Chaney had never seen-a Giacometti robot with a gigantic human phallus.
"I'll take you apart, you $%$#," the demented rock musician was muttering. "I'll tear your $%$@0 out by its roots, I will." And he continued his assault, gargling and panting like one obsessed-which he was. "Man against machine," he gasped. "First they out-think us, now they out-fuck us. It's time for all-out war, by $%*@$…"
Markoff watched, silent as a cat, until the hebephrenic cuckold was finished with his foul work, and the machine stood, a heap of scrap metal, with the phallus removed. Then, after the musician slouched off into the night, the midget crept into the room and carefully wrote on the wall in stark purple crayon:
THE PIGEONS IN B. F. SKINNER'S
LABORATORIES ARE POLITICAL PRISONERS.
RELEASE THEM OR FURTHER ACTIONS WILL
FOLLOW.
EZRA POUND,
FOR THE DREADED NEUROLOGICAL ARMY (DNA)
Spur-of-the-moment inspiration was his specialty.
"In the typical Beethoven scherzo," Justin Case explains with precise emphasis, "the elements are so mingled that, even though some may be the musical equivalent of cries of pain or grief, the total construction is both grotesque and gay."
Like most rock musicians, "Grassy" Knoll was a Second Circuit neurogenetic type, quite incapable of the Machiavellian mentations of Third Circuit schemers like Markoff Chancy. When "Grassy" carried Ulysses away from Orgasm Research, he planned only on throwing it in the first garbage can he passed. On the spur of the moment, he threw it in an alley instead.
There it was found by a cat named Acapulco Gold-an ugly yellow Tom belonging to San Francisco's best-known gossip columnist. The cat, with typical perversity, dragged it home.
The columnist was at work on a book of reminiscences (The Roving I, he planned to call it) when his wife staggered in from the kitchen, white-faced but with a devilish grin. "Honey," she said coaxingly, "come see what the cat dragged in…"
Now, it so happened that the columnist was (like most writers in capitalist society) abominably underpaid, and, like Hassan i Sabbah X, he knew a one-of-a-kind item when he saw it. "This," he pronounced, "will bring a pretty penny, when I find the right buyer."
He found the right buyer at police court only two nights later, when a tip informed him that the notorious Eva Gebloomencraft had been arrested again, this time for putting laughing gas in the air-conditioning system at a benefit concert for the Epileptic Liberation Front.
The infamous Eva did not get called right away; the columnist had to sit through a dreary hearing on a black man who had caused a riot in a bar, throwing sixty fits and screaming that only a few minutes ago he had been a white atomic scientist at Los Alamos. When this obvious lunatic was finally removed from the court in a straitjacket (still shouting atomic secrets which he had evidently learned somewhere in the early stages of his delusion), Eva's case was called.
Ms. Gebloomencraft, the only daughter of the most defiant and unrepentant Nuremburg war criminal, had been the holy terror of the international jet set ever since she reached puberty in the 1960s. Imagine the mind of Markoff Chaney in the body of Raquel Welch; good, you've got dear Eva. It was she who had spiked the punch with aphrodisiac PCPA at the Spanish embassy in London, precipitating an orgy and several subsequent suicides among members of Opus Dei. She and she alone who smuggled Norman Mailer in drag to a top-secret strategy meeting of the Radical Lesbians. She again who hired the best freelance electronics experts to obtain tape recordings of J. Edgar Hoover's boudoir adventures, and then sent them to Rev. Martin Luther King. (That gallant naif, alas, destroyed them.)
Eva saw the possibilities of the Wildeblood relic as soon as the columnist broached the matter.
"Hot shit," she said, eyes dancing.
BAD FOR BUSINESS