“Yeah I was. I admit it. I had an erection.”
“You had an erection Al. Will wonders never cease. Maybe in morse code she could give you an orgasm.”
“You’re such a damn wise guy, aren’t you.”
“So your telephone erection Al. What’s it supposed to do with me. Tell me. I mean it’s swell. I mean I hope you get them watching television and listening to the radio too.”
“Sigmund this was a friendly communication. But I’m not going to stand for one more second of your shit.”
“My shit. You mean your shit. Al relax. Before you have a coronary. If it’s any consolation to you she gives me an erection. Even as she was stark naked draped over the edge of the bathtub upstairs.”
“What did you say.”
“I said draped over the bathtub.”
“What.”
“Yeah, I found her under the water Al.”
“You found her under the water.”
“Here we go again Al. That’s right Al. I found her under the water. Bubbles coming up out of her mouth.”
“Why you son of a bitch she needs oxygen. You drowned her.”
“We’re into the routine again Al. Next tell me you’re going to kill me. For what I done to her. Which she done to herself. Which if you had any sense you’d get it through your head Al that she is always doing to herself. She’s still alive. But I’m reassured she gets all her practice in suicide because it runs in the family.”
“If I could get my hands on your bare fucking neck.”
“Cut it out Al. I’ve had enough from the two of you. I’m not going to spend the rest of my natural life like a fucking hospital nurse in a loony bin. What the hell is it with you Al that you’re telling me to marry her so much. You talk like you’re in love with her.”
“I am.”
“That’s great. So why don’t you bring her up the aisle, feed, clothe and house her. Like recently she’s talking about palaces.”
“Because she’s just that little bit too young yet to have the necessary insight to know that somebody mellow and mature like me, with my beautiful mind, wit, sensibility, love of life, and who doesn’t want to hurt people, is right for her at my older age.”
“Who doesn’t want to hurt people, Al. You were around here attempting grievous bodily harm in this hall.”
“For her I’d kill.”
“Jesus Al. You’re having a geriatric breakdown.”
“All it is, wise guy is I can’t give her as much of my future as she can give me of hers.”
“So in the prime of my youth you want to stick me with her with the thousands of gorgeous girls around I haven’t fucked yet. Thanks a lot Al.”
“Hey by the way shouldn’t you go upstairs and see if she’s all right.”
“No Al I shouldn’t. But just think a second how long it took you to ask that question.”
“Jesus wise guy you got a lot to answer for you have.”
“That’s right. But I’ll tell you why Al I don’t go upstairs if you’d shut up sermonizing me for just one second. So are you listening.”
“Yeah for one second.”
“The reason I don’t go upstairs to see if she’s all right is because she is wrapped up in a towel or maybe my dressing gown and is hanging her tits and ears over the bannister at this very moment listening to every fucking word I’m saying on this phone. That’s why.”
“I don’t know what to say to you. I should hang up. I just don’t know what to say.”
“And Al as soon as I hang up she will rush back into the bathroom, take off the towel and dressing gown, lay herself back into the bath, drape her beautiful tits over the side of the tub and make like she’s fucking unconscious again.”
“Jesus I really am dumbfounded and speechless. I don’t know what to say to you.”
“I’ll tell you what to say Al. Just say that good old Sigmund Franz Schultz knows what he’s talking about for a change. That he’s seen plenty of women in his time. And that he knows what they want.”
“O.K. Rabbi Schultz. Lecture me. What do they want.”
“They want everything Al. Everything. A guy’s guts, his balls, his prick, his money, his life insurance. But more than just that they want his imprisoned proximity. To make sure he doesn’t have the juice left to fuck anyone else when they’re finished with him. And you know what I want Al. You there Al.”
“I’m here. And Jesus christ it’s a disgrace. That an American, a fellow American should end up talking talk like this. When was the last time you pledged allegiance to the American flag.”
“I’d talk like this if I was a fucking Eskimo Al. Pledging allegiance to the north pole.”
“You tell me then mister snowman. What do you want for a wife.”
“I want a woman like my mother. You hear me. My mother.”
“I heard you. The first respectable thing you said so far.”
“You know why Al. Because she would nag me to eat the good soup she made. She would sew my clothes. Iron my shirts. She would rock me to sleep. Whisper comfort to me in pain and disappointment.”
“This is some kind of inverted incest you’re talking about. That’s what I think.”
“That’s right Al. I’d fuck my own mother. You got me figured to a T.”
“You would wouldn’t you if you thought it would get you somewhere.”
“No Al. Not because I think it would get me somewhere. Because I would be giving her back the love she gave me. Which has smothered me.”
“You lurid motherfucker.”
“Go back Al to Ohio.”
“Don’t slander me please. I’m from Michigan.”
“That figures. You’ve got just the right kind of morals. And Al let me criticize your life for a second. With your heart condition who’s fucked more different women than you. Who’s kicked some out of his house.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Four girls. This year alone.”
“There were five. But who’s counting.”
“And you go around clucking like some pious romantic old mother hen. And over a bitch who’s opened her white thighs for the biggest black prick in darkest Africa.”
“Stop Sigmund stop. For Christ’s sakes. This is a serious call I’m making back to you. How long have we known each other. Five years. I’ve remained a friend through each of your flops. Right. Come on. What are you doing tonight.”
“I’m fucking trying to compose my wits and mentality for the busy day I face tomorrow to avoid another fucking flop.”
“So O.K. let me take you two young kids out to dinner. A nice little nosh at the Savoy. How about that. Beluga. All the trimmings.”
“I feel I’m getting trapped Al. No shit. I really feel that. That this is some kind of plan. You got stuck in your brain. You love her. I don’t.”
“Why did you do what you did to her then.”
“Do what Al. I didn’t do anything to her Al which I wouldn’t do to any other gorgeous creature. I can’t resist beautiful women Al. That’s all.”
“So you’re different from any other guy in the world.”
“That’s right. Because unless you change them every five weeks beautiful women are nothing but a pain in the ass.”
“Sigmund. O.K. I accept. You’re just mister cynic. But the Savoy, O.K. In an hour.”
“I ain’t even unpacked Al.”
“So unpack. Get rid of this paranoia out of your life.”
“Let me tell you Al. I just got rid of it. After one of the most blissful few days I’ve ever spent. I don’t want any more hassle. I got enough with the production.”
“Hey how is the production.”
“The production is swell.”
“Good I’m glad to hear it, Sigmund I really am. So come on. A little nosh at the Savoy. If I don’t bring you two kids together at least you can be friends. Besides this is my birthday.”