“Which by the way is getting more noticeable with you every day, Sigmund. Learn to play checkers together in your old age if you’re so worried about conversation. Also think of yourself someday decrepit in a lonely house with your balls shrivelled, and no one like a young beautiful woman to look after you.”
“I grow old Al and she stays young and beautiful.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks for the nice arrangement. But at the moment I’m not yet with both feet in the grave and my balls are not shrivelled and I am not living in a lonely house.”
“What you got somebody there.”
“No Al, it just so happens I haven’t.”
“Well you heard me. Sixty thousand is yours. The moment you sign the marriage register or whatever they do over here in England to make it legally final. Now goodbye.”
Schultz replacing the receiver. Right down smack on a bundle of money the other end of the wire. What the fuck. I could marry something worse than her incredible body and good looks. But Jesus I see a ring go silently on her finger and I hear a deafening clank of chains in my brain. I need a sedative.
Schultz halfway up the stairs to the bathroom. Stopping in his tracks and slapping his palm against his brow. Holy shit. His Lordship’s chambermaid down in the living room. I completely forgot. Not surprising after a day with a pair of sex maniacs trying to bugger me.
Schultz turning on the landing. Give a pat on the head to Justinian and tiptoe back down into the hall. To push open the door. Roxana demurely seated, a magazine featuring nude ladies held open across her lap. Which she closed as she stood up.
“Jesus, don’t stand, this isn’t his Lordship’s here. I’m just going to change my clothes O.K.”
“Can I be of any help, sir. I mean Mr. Schultz.”
“Sigmund, honey, call me Sigmund.”
“His Lordship would be aggrieved to hear me address his friends by the familiarity of their Christian names.”
“You leave his Lordship to me. This is a changing god damn society. People are getting more equal by the minute. You got to get rid of his Lordship’s primitive ideas.”
Schultz in a light blue checked shirt, navy blue sweater and green corduroy trousers heading down into the oven warmed kitchen. Greta, sleeves pushed up her tan arms, pressing a fork around the edge of a pie crust as she turned it in a circle on the kitchen table. She’s wearing one of my shirts, one of my sweaters and even a pair of my trousers. And all of them look ten times better on her than they do on me.
“Hi ya Greta.”
“Who is that girl.”
“Hey calm down honey. You know his Lordship. Well that’s his niece.”
“What is niece.”
“A relative, like uncle or aunt. She came all the way up from the country to the wedding. Like I’m doing his Lordship a favour. She’s just at a momentary loose end in town. Hey gee that smells like apple pie.”
“I bake one for you because you say it is your favourite.”
“Well blueberry is. But that’s really swell. Apple pie is great.”
“What lucky girl she is who married his Lordship. He is so kind. So handsome.”
“He’s fucking rich beyond the dreams of avarice too.”
“What is this avarice.”
“Jesus honey, it’s just a common disease we all got. And hey while I take his Lordship’s niece for a drink could you get a little snack together just for the two of us.”
“O yes I cook ravioli.”
“Swell. Make a salad. Leave out onions. And I got a great idea. A quiet evening at home. How about that. Hey now what’s the matter.”
“But now you go out. I would like to go out too. Again I am left I am lonely.”
“Sure. No problem, I mean don’t worry, soon as I get rid of her I’ll be back. Gee I just notice. In this light what a nice few freckles you got.”
“I am more than just the freckles.”
“I know that honey. I know.”
Roxana walking sedately at Schultz’s side down the street. Telling little stories about his Lordship. Of how he wore two different shoes to the wedding. And for that previous entire week had dined only on bananas.
“His Lordship is also fond of draining his ponds. Taking the mud from the bottom and removing it to his vegetable gardens. He so dislikes wasting anything.
“Jesus is that the only problem he has.”
“O no, sir.”
“Sigmund, for christ’s sake.”
“Very well, Sigmund. His Lordship also has found that somehow a nasty pike has got into the moat and has eaten nearly all his goldfish.”
“Holy Jeeze that is tough.”
“Yes he is most upset. And now every one of the castle staff is nervous awaiting her Ladyship’s arrival in residence.”
Turning under an archway into a mews. Opening the door to this crowded smoky interior. With this healthy cheeked blue big eyed girl in tow. Led into this den of high pitched voices. A sprinkling of debutantes oooing and aahing. Their boy friends talking of motor cars. The viscosity of oils, speeds of acceleration, smoothness of transmissions, and the safety of tyres. Even a champagne cork popping. As Schultz and Roxana took seats on this bottoms polished oak bench in this cubbyhole.
“Jesus. You can have something more than a glass of bitter beer.”
“O no, that’s exactly what I want. And also I want to tell you something.”
“Sure.”
“You remember when you were having breakfast. And what you said.”
“Where. What. What did I say.”
“At Nectarine Castle that morning in your bed. You said you wanted to fuck me.”
Schultz in the middle of a sip of beer lurching forward in his seat. As the mouthful swallowed the wrong way. Choking and sputtering, Schultz spat out back into his glass. Roxana clapping him on the back.
“Christ excuse me. But you believe in direct language honey.”
“Yes.”
“Jesus. Just give me a second or two. I got to think.”
“I have said the wrong thing, haven’t I. Exactly what you weren’t expecting.”
“No no. I mean I wasn’t expecting. But it was beautiful the way you said that. Wow.”
“Were you thinking you were going to have to chase me, tear my clothes off, throw me down on my back and prise open my legs.”
“Honey. Jesus not so fast. It’s just that at this moment I am in the middle of a lot of deep thoughts that are hanging over the crossroads of my life.”
“I should not have called upon you.”
“No, no, it’s absolutely perfect you did. But christ, what kind of environment are you living in down there at his Lordship’s.”
Schultz lighting a cigar, put aside his beer and popped back a brandy. Taking Roxana by the hand. Her fingers tightening in a reassuring squeeze. Prick painfully swollen caught the wrong way in the underwear. The day darkening. This girl’s cunt I can read in her face. Just like lips pouting soft, like half a bite of a ripe sweet black cherry. Holy god what’s happening to me. I don’t want to totter into old age with a bitch and her mother setting me up as a machine to provide them with the lifelong comfort of caviar.”
“Honey I think I need some fresh air.”
Schultz and Roxana walking arm in arm in the shadows of branches along this fence of Belgrave Square. All the shrubbery and trees in there. Never even noticed this jungle growing right in front of my nose. And this should happen to me right now. A doll. Long brown soft gorgeous hair. Ladies treat each piece of ass they hand out as an investment in their future. I’m already laden down carrying portfolios. And if I put it up this mouth watering unspoiled country girl his Lordship will be trying to knock the shit out of me with a cricket bat.
“Gee honey.”
“Yes.”
“That’s all I can say. You really have got me with such a hard on I’m speechless.”