“Like what?”
“Like who he is. Where he comes from.”
“Do you need to know those things in order to like somebody?”
“I think so.”
“You’ve never just felt a certain way without knowing why?”
I thought about her question. I thought about how I felt about Kaolin when I really didn’t know much about her or who she is. I saw her grow up, but I had never started talking to her until we left the hive, and even then, our conversations were sparse. And then I thought about the surface and my desire to breach the top. How could I love a place I had never been? Did I love it, or was it just an escape from a place that was unfulfilling?
She looked uneasy. “I’ve never wanted anybody before, but I want him. Only if he wants me too. How can I get him to like me?”
I snapped out of my dream world and looked over at the helpless girl, desperate for an answer I didn’t have. She had as much power in Nanash as the Mayor did in Newbury, but at the moment, she was powerless. She could keep Cotta in her hut all she liked, she could force him to be hers, but she couldn’t make him feel the way about her that she felt about him. The same was true with Joey. He had kept me close and although I developed a fondness and need for him, I could never feel the way about him that he felt for me.
And then I thought about Kaolin and wondered if she cared as much about me as I did her. Was I as helpless as Joey and Valasca? Were my dreams of her as fantastical as those of the surface?
“I don’t know what Cotta likes in terms of girls. He’s my best friend. I know his jokes and his games. I know his smile and his laugh, but I don’t know how he feels. I don’t know how he loves. We never discussed those things, I suppose. Or maybe he doesn’t know. Maybe he does love you or can love you. Who am I to tell you otherwise? I cannot feel other peoples’ emotions. I can only feel my own.”
“Do you believe me when I tell you how I feel about him?”
“I have no reason to disbelieve you, and if you do feel it… if you say you feel it, then you do, don’t you? I choose to believe you.”
“Is there anything he likes? Anything I can give him as a gift?”
I knew exactly what she could get him, a gift he would love, but I had learned a few things while in Newbury, while living with the Mayor. Valasca had immense power within Nanash. I learned that power was the ability to get what you want, and the more power you had, the more control. I also learned that power was transferable. An individual with great power had the ability to give you what you wanted.
“I know something you can get him, but I’ll need something in return,” I said confidently.
Valasca smiled. She was no longer timid. She was used to these types of games, and I could tell she felt more comfortable now than she was a few minutes ago. “What would you like?”
“A favor.”
“A favor can be anything.”
“I know.”
She stood up and stretched. Interlocked her spikes and sliced them together causing tiny sparks to fly, but I wasn’t intimidated.
“All right then. One favor. If the gift is good.”
“I’ll need some tools to help you make your gift.”
Valasca procured the necessary materials I needed to make Cotta his gift. She presented him the ax I had constructed and he was overjoyed.
Valsca asked me what I wanted as my favor, but I told her I didn’t know yet. She looked at me curiously and carried on courting Cotta.
A few days later, she asked me again what I wanted as my favor, but I still didn’t know. My hesitance to tell her what I wanted seemed to be bothersome. It angered her, but I could tell she was trying to stifle her rage. She wanted to “pay me back,” so to speak, as soon as possible, but my reluctance to tell her my favor forced her to carry a burden she was not used to shouldering. I realized then that the greatest favor I could ask of Valasca was to keep her in a perpetual state of owing me. I sensed a sort of angst whenever she was around me that wasn’t present amongst anyone else. She felt obligated, and that led her to doing more things for me on an every day basis that she would not have otherwise done.
It was during this time that Kaolin and I really got to know each other. We didn’t have to do anything in Nanash. Cotta had grown fond of the village and was training every day so that he could be initiated into the clan while me and Kaolin were overlooked and given time to do whatever we pleased.
We talked about the old hive, and I told her about my father and the drawings I had made. She told me about the restlessness that was her life, having to wait for a moment she had no control of before she could give birth and be useful. The more I got to know her, the more I wanted her, but I wanted to be with her outside of the village. Despite the amount of freedom we presumably had, Kaolin was not happy in Nanash. She would rather be eating chum, isolated within empty tunnels than here amongst others. She refused to absorb the NaNa customs just as she had in Newbury. I wasn’t as stubborn. There was plenty that I liked in the village, though it wasn’t perfect. I liked the openness and that I was not constantly being judged by those around me. I also liked the lack of a schedule that was ever present in the hive and Newbury. Nobody was telling me what to do or when to do it.
But, there were some things I loathed. I did not like seeing the people caged just as I did not like seeing the chickens. I also didn’t like the feeling of not being needed. We could pretty much do as we pleased because the village did not ask anything of us. In the hive, I was responsible for supplying food and clay to the colony. They needed me. We all needed each other. In Newbury, I was being taught and schooled so that I could be useful to society. I helped Joey patrol the borders, and I helped around the house. I was important, so to speak, at least amongst a certain group of people. In Nanash, I was just taking up space.
I took Kaolin to the cavern beneath the glowing mushrooms. We lay beside each other, fingers interlocked and stared up at the green suns. I closed my eyes and imagined the heat radiating down onto my unfettered flesh. I looked over at Kaolin who was staring at me. She placed her hand on my cheek and said:
“I love you.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
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Some time passed. I don’t know how much exactly, as the NaNas don’t keep track of time, but it was a substantial period. Enough to allow Cotta to develop into a decent warrior and for Kaolin and me to learn the Nanashi customs and language.
During this time, I witnessed my best friend fall in love with Valasca while I too began having the indescribable feelings I had only ever heard my father speak of. The four of us would spend a lot of time together, roaming the city and the exterior passages for no reason other than exploration. Valasca was a hardened soldier when surrounded by her peers, but when she was with us, she became docile and Cotta began developing into the leader I had never seen.
It was a time when all of our roles began reversing. Cotta was changing, Kaolin was changing, and so was I. We were becoming something different and therefore “better” in its own right. I began discovering Kaolin in a way I had never known and she began discovering me and in so doing, we began discovering ourselves. We had become one person. We shared our food and our stories. Our lives had merged, and I realized that we had become our own Hive. We had become our own family, and the only thing that could destroy us was some sort of collapse.
While the four of us were exploring the tunnels, Cotta and I lingered back while Valasca and Kaolin pushed ahead.
“I’m happy,” Cotta said. “Thank you for taking me with you.”
All I could do was nod. Nothing else needed to be said.