“I can’t,” she barely whispered.
“What?” he croaked, his eyes boring into hers.
“I’m going to George’s.” She broke off eye contact and looked at Cooper, who was standing in between them, smiling his doggie smile, waiting for someone to pet him.
Silence.
A tear slipped from her eye.
“Tell me you don’t love me.” His voice shook with emotion she’d never heard from him before.
Stella continued to stare down, avoiding his piercing gaze. She didn’t want to see his eyes when he realized she wasn’t coming to be with him.
“Fucking look at me!” His voice rose. “El!”
Stella shook her head no and began backing away from him, pulling her hands away as she walked.
“Oh, you think I’m going to make it that easy? Just let you come here and say ‘I can’t’? Tell me you don’t love me, El.” Patrick jerked her forward, causing her body to crash into his. “TELL ME!” He dropped to his knees to meet her downward gaze. “Look at me and fucking tell me you don’t feel it. Feel this thing, this pull between me and you. I love you, El, and I’m pretty fucking sure you love me too.”
Another tear fell from her as she tried to remember what she’d come here to tell him. “I-I can’t,” she stammered.
“You can’t what?” His voice shook with indignation.
Stella was shaking her head rapidly. Please don’t make me say it. Please.
“You can’t what?!” He was yelling now. “El. You can’t what?!”
Stella finally looked into those blue eyes that had always been there for her. Her hand ached to touch him, cradle his head in her hands, but she couldn’t. She knew once she touched him she’d lose her resolve. She owed him the truth. “I can’t tell you that I don’t love you, Patrick.”
“Then come home. Come to our room. I already bought a new bed and new sheets.” He put his palms on her hips; it felt intimate and she exhaled shakily.
“Patrick, I love George too.”
Patrick’s head dropped and his shoulders slumped. “Please, El, don’t do this.”
“I do love you,” she whispered. She took a step back and Patrick grabbed her by the back of her thighs and roughly pulled her to him, his face buried in her stomach. Stella looked around for any cameras, panicked. It would kill her if this was caught by someone and plastered all over the internet.
“Stay with me…love me…trust me,” he almost sobbed into her. “El, please…”
Stella’s resolve broke and tears flooded down her face. She lowered herself to her knees too, so they were face to face. She began shaking with sorrow, with a grief that she didn’t know she could feel. Stella hadn’t anticipated that this conversation would alter her this way; maybe it was because it was Patrick, her person, her rock, and she was losing him. “You told me nothing would change, Patrick,” she said, her words quivering with emotion. “You better not have lied to me again.”
Patrick shook his head in disbelief. She gently put both of her hands on the back of his head and sighed, letting the tears flow. Realizing what she was close to doing, she froze and began to frantically untangle herself from him.
“I have to go.” She practically ran down to her car. “Cooper!” she yelled and he came running, jumping into the car. Tears began to fall full force as she pulled away from the curb. When she glanced back in the rearview mirror, Patrick was still on his knees, his head in his hands. Fuck.
Chapter Thirty
The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions
She turned onto her street with every intention of pulling into the driveway and begging George to take her back, but there were reporters camped out in the park and she simply drove past. Patrick’s face was embedded in her mind now. She sobbed uncontrollably and blindly grabbed her phone, taking the first left she could and pulling over.
“Hey, bitch,” Millie answered.
“Millie,” Stella’s voice caught, “can we stay with you?”
Silence.
“Please.” Stella wasn’t above begging.
When Millie spoke, her voice was reserved. “Of course, El. Come on over.”
“Be there in five.”
Millie had texted her new address to Stella while she was still in North Carolina; she had moved about five miles closer to DC to an area called Del Ray. Stella was moving on autopilot, thankful for turn-by-turn navigation. She pulled into the parking lot of the condos and saw Millie standing on the sidewalk waiting for her.
Stella opened her door and Cooper jumped through it, running up to Millie, who stood on the sidewalk in grey sweatpants and her American Law sweatshirt, her hair piled on her head. She had no makeup on and had clearly pulled on Ugg boots solely to come meet Stella.
“Hey, boy,” Millie said, her voice full of sadness.
Stella and Millie embraced without saying anything.
“I’m sorry,” Stella whispered, still not trusting her voice.
“I’m sorry for your fucked up life.”
“I’m glad we’re both sorry; the two of us living together should be fun.”
Millie cocked her head to the side in a question. “Why are you staying with me, El?” she asked conversationally, putting her arm through Stella’s as they walked to her condo.
“Because I’m a stupid, stupid asshole.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“I drove to my house, George’s house, and I couldn’t go in. I had the full intention to beg him to take me back, Mil, but my car wouldn’t stop. I guess I just need more time.”
“More time for what?” Millie prodded as she opened the door.
“I don’t know.” Stella shook her head and felt nauseous. “Where’s your bathroom?”
Millie pointed down the hall, concerned.
Stella suddenly felt hot and barely made it to the toilet before she threw up the chicken biscuit she’d eaten for breakfast while driving home. Her knees shook and she sunk to the floor of the bathroom. Hot tears streamed down her face. She was shocked she had any tears left. Stella felt Millie’s presence before she saw her. Millie sat down on the floor and Cooper lay next to them.
“What the hell is going on, El?” Millie’s voice was soft.
Stella’s head drooped. She felt so guilty about what she’d done with Patrick; he was her best friend’s boyfriend for fuck’s sake. All the emotions she felt were fighting with each other and making her sick. “Millie, I think I’ve finally had all I can take.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think this last bit of my life has been my undoing. I want to drive with Cooper and just keep driving. I’m tired, Mil. I’m so fucking tired of the fight that is my stupid life. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have anything left.”
Millie smoothed Stella’s hair back, her gentleness bringing a fresh round of tears. Stella looked at the pastel-striped shower curtain and frowned; she didn’t deserve Millie either. The only people she hadn’t fucked over that meant anything to her were Jesse and Billy, and they’d probably hate her after this too.
“Patrick told you?” Millie asked.
Stella couldn’t form words, so she nodded.
“And you’re here?” Millie’s voice was surprised.
She nodded again. A tear streaked down Millie’s face and she wiped it away quickly, pulling Stella into a hug.
“You’ve been throwing up since Jamie?”
“Ugh,” Stella shuddered, “yes.”
“You need to go to the doctor. You could have a concussion or something.”
Stella shook her head. “I ran out of my medicine. This is the worse stress I’ve had in a while, so it’s probably just my body reacting to that.”