Kristen understood why Patricia might think the worst. Kristen had been the quintessential prude for years, shunning boys at the Academy routinely, whereas Patricia had partied like there was no tomorrow for all four years. Patricia, naturally assuming the worst, had come halfway out of her chair, and Kristen gripped her friend’s hand tightly to stop her from standing and storming up to the head table.
“No, no,” Kristen said sharply and settled Patricia down. “No, he’s never…” she paused and again glanced down at her hands in her lap. “He’s never even looked at me like that.” There was another long, uncomfortable silence. Kristen glanced up and saw, of all things, worry on Patricia’s face. “What?” Kristen asked in what she felt was a very small voice.
“My God, Krissie,” she exclaimed. “I mean, damn, girl. I knew you’d fall for some guy eventually. But I assumed he’d be some uptight stock broker or dorky computer programmer.” She motioned toward Brodie, “Not that!”
“What do I do?” Kristen asked nervously.
“Krissie,” she lifted Kristen’s face slightly and lowered her own so she could look into her friend’s eyes, “have you… you know… really fallen for this guy?”
Kristen wanted to say no. Every logical fiber of her being was screaming at her to say no. She’d been denying it to herself for weeks now. She didn’t even want to contemplate any other answer since in her perfectly ordered world any other answer was impossible. But Patricia saw right through Kristen’s confusion.
“Wow,” she whispered once more.
Kristen hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else. But now that Patricia had asked, and Kristen was forced to consider the question, she knew the answer. “What do I do now?”
Patricia clearly understood the seriousness of the situation and pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I mean, you’ve really fallen for this guy, right?” she asked. “This isn’t just you hoping to get sweaty together a couple of times, maybe make a few bad decisions…”
Kristen rolled her eyes in embarrassment, but then shook her head and looked at Patricia with all seriousness. Kristen had been thinking of Brodie almost exclusively for several weeks now, ever since the motorcycle ride. She’d denied her emotions, refused to consider what her undisciplined thoughts might mean. But now, with Patricia prodding her, cold, clear realization hit her. “I don’t know,” she said, trying to deny it.
Patricia looked at her skeptically. She knew Kristen too well.
“Yes,” Kristen admitted finally. “Head over heels. Fireworks. I want a white picket fence in front of a house…” she admitted with a hint of sadness, not really having acknowledged to herself what she was feeling until that moment. There was another long pause before Kristen again asked, “What do I do now?”
Patricia shrugged her shoulder sympathetically, trying to empathize with her friend. “I don’t know, sweetie,” she admitted honestly. “I mean if it were me, and I had the chance to party with that guy,” she motioned toward Brodie. “I’d buy a roll of tickets and hold on for the ride as long as it lasted.”
“I’m on a submarine, Trish,” Kristen whispered. “You can’t have a relationship with someone on a sub.”
“Why not?”
“Because a submarine isn’t an aircraft carrier, Trish!” Kristen said too loudly and attracted the attention of two men at another table. Patricia shot them a “kiss off” look, and the two men went back to what they were doing.
Kristen lowered her voice again. “You guys are on a floating city with thousands of men and women everywhere. A submarine is different. I mean, you have no idea how small it is,” she explained. “If you sneeze in the bow the guy in engineering says, ‘bless you.’ You can’t hide something like…” Kristen let the thought drift off, but then let her fears out, “Not to mention he’s a captain and I’m just a stupid Nub. I’m twenty-five and he’s forty-one, he’s my commanding officer and I…” she shook her head at the mind numbing impossibility of the situation.
“Does he know how you feel?”
Kristen exhaled deeply, “God, I hope not.” The idea of trying to work near him was awkward enough without him realizing what she was thinking.
“Has he said anything or given you reason to think he might feel the same way?” Patricia asked with genuine concern in her voice.
Kristen considered every second she’d spent with Brodie. She’d already analyzed every moment countless times, searching for the significance of each word he’d ever said and every action he’d taken regarding her. “I thought maybe… I mean for a brief time I thought he might…” Kristen shook her head, “but ever since I…” She paused and glanced around to make certain no one might be listening. She then whispered, “Ever since I kissed him, he’s hardly spoken to me.”
Then Kristen recalled the Board of Inquiry and the tender and almost intimate way Brodie had helped her remember what Dr. Dar-Hyun had said. She looked up at Patricia and felt her face flush happily. “But at times, out of the blue, he’ll do the sweetest thing you could imagine.” Kristen then dropped her hand across her face sharply. “Then wham! Once again he’s as cold as ice.”
Patricia groaned, “Ouch.” She patted Kristen’s hand tenderly and added, “I don’t imagine there’s any chance you could forget about him, is there?” she asked hopefully.
“That’s just it,” Kristen replied. “I’ve tried, but I… I can’t.”
A good looking officer paused by their table and was about to speak when Patricia shot him an annoyed look. “Move along, Ace,” she advised.
Once he moved away, Kristen resumed her explanation, “The crazy thing is,” Kristen was almost laughing at the painful irony, “all I ever wanted was to be treated the same as everyone else.” Kristen now understood how foolish a hope that had been. “I wanted my commanding officer to look at me as just another officer and not at the size of my chest,” she explained. “But now… with him….” she shook her head sadly. “He’s doing exactly what I always wanted and treating me like everyone else. I’m just one of the boys.”
“And you wish he’d go for the tits.”
“What can I do?”
Kristen understood some of the most complex machinery systems in the world. She was possibly, academically speaking, the most intelligent officer in the entire Navy. But she had absolutely no experience dealing with such emotions. For years she’d considered herself too emotionally damaged or, at the very least, stunted emotionally to ever have a relationship with anyone. “I mean, sometimes I feel like I’ll suffocate if I can’t tell him how I feel; if I can’t show him.”
Patricia sat thoughtfully for several seconds before answering with a shrug, “So, tell him. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”
Kristen was shocked by what she considered a ludicrous suggestion. “Are you nuts? He could laugh in my face! He could throw me off the boat…”
“Do you think he might?” Patricia asked. “Laugh at you, I mean. Is he that callous?”
Kristen thought she knew Brodie well enough and answered, “No, I don’t think he would laugh,” she admitted thoughtfully. “He’s not like that,” she explained and then added, “But he could put me off the boat with a snap of his fingers.”
“He’s a captain, Krissie,” Patricia reminded her friend. “He just can’t reassign you. He’s not God.”
“Oh, yes he is,” Kristen answered with a firm nod. “At least as far as the submarine forces are concerned,” she assured her friend. “Do you think they would let just anyone have two command tours on a nuclear submarine if they didn’t think he was irreplaceable?” Kristen then motioned across the room at Brodie who was again engaged in a conversation with a rear admiral. “I mean look at him!” she offered as if pointing toward a titan and not just a man.