After a long pause Patricia asked, “Is there anyone on the boat you can talk to about this?”
“Are you trying to be funny?” Kristen nearly laughed at the thought. “Tell this to one of those guys?” she asked as she jerked her thumb toward the table where the Seawolf’s officers were still seated. “I can’t talk to them about this kind of stuff.”
Patricia glanced back at the table where Kristen’s friends were drinking and talking. “The one on the far left might be gay. You could try him.”
Kristen chuckled again, feeling better after having told someone about how she’d felt since her first days on the Seawolf. She looked back at her fellow officers and saw who Patricia was referring to. She rolled her eyes and turned back to her friend. “I’ve met his wife,” Kristen told her. “She’s beautiful, and I can assure he’s not gay.”
Patricia shrugged it off. “He might be. You can never quite tell these days.” She then cleared her head and returned to Kristen’s problem. “Well, if you can’t tell him then you only have a couple of options,” Patricia concluded.
Kristen raised a hopeful eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“You can stay on the boat and be miserable, but at least be able to see him occasionally and maybe one day things will change…” Patricia offered but then paused, her facial expression accenting the unpleasantness of her conclusion.
“And the second option that doesn’t involve being miserable?”
“Get off the boat and get away from him,” Patricia told her simply. “Trust me, I’ve been where you’re right now, and if you have to be around him all the time and yet not act on what you’re feeling, you’re going to go crazy.” She then added, “You’ve got to move on and find greener pastures.”
Kristen looked down at her hands, wishing Patricia had been able to offer something a little more appealing. “The really sick thing is all I ever wanted was to be on a submarine.” Kristen then added, “I mean since I was a little girl, it was all I wanted. Sure, I thought about a family, and I knew one day I would want to get married. But I never dreamed about those things.” Kristen glanced back over her shoulder and saw Brodie across the hall speaking with a fellow captain. The strange emotions and feelings she’d struggled with were now clear and she knew — for the first time — exactly what she was feeling. “But now, all I want is him.”
A lieutenant commander walked by and looked at Patricia as he pointed at his wristwatch. Kristen gave Patricia a questioning look.
“I have a flight in the morning and have to get my mandatory crew rest,” Patricia replied as she quickly knocked back the last of her wine. She then leaned closer to Kristen and squeezed her hand gently. “Krissie, I think you’ve got to tell him.”
“I wish it were that easy.”
Brodie, as her captain, had to appear to be fair and even handed with all his officers and men. She couldn’t possibly profess her love to him. If she did, and he responded in kind, then they’d be faced with an even greater dilemma: the two of them could never serve together, certainly not on a submarine. Not to mention their age difference, and the fact — as she feared — he might not share her feelings. If she told him, and as she suspected he didn’t have feelings for her, then this would lead to an intolerably embarrassing working situation, and her perfect little world would come crashing down. Finally, for the first time in years, she’d found a home, a place where she felt her fellow officers looked beyond her passion for her work and her idiosyncrasies and accepted her for who she was. Kristen was certain she wouldn’t easily find the same elsewhere.
Then, lurking in the recesses of her mind, was what Penny Graves had told her about how Brodie, since his divorce, had never allowed himself to become seriously involved with anyone. He’d forsaken the entire concept of marriage and love. How could she expect him to act in any way other than scorn should she reveal her heart to him?
Patricia patted Kristen on the shoulder. “Baby girl, you’ve got to tell him. If you don’t, you’ll tear yourself up inside.”
Kristen shook her head, feeling certain it was impossible. “Why him? Why now?” Kristen asked rhetorically.
Patricia shook her head sadly. “You’re still afraid to live in the present, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“You know what I mean,” Patricia stated bluntly. “You’ve always buried yourself in your work and with plans for the future, but ignored the here and now.” She then motioned toward where she’d last seen Brodie. “Krissie, he is here, and he is definitely happening right now. If you don’t take a chance, you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”
“But what if everything I thought he might feel was nothing at all, and he tells me he doesn’t care about me?” Kristen asked, enunciating her greatest fear.
“Then he’s a fucking idiot,” Patricia told her bluntly, “and you’re better off without him.”
Kristen offered a wan smile in response. Patricia made it sound so easy. But Kristen had never dealt with her emotions. It had always been easier to ignore them, or, when they were too painful, lock them away.
Patricia stood in preparation to leave, and Kristen joined her. They embraced warmly. They’d been talking for several hours, and despite all that had been revealed, Kristen felt better for having finally talked to someone about it. She just wished she could drag Patricia along with her back to the Seawolf.
“What matters,” Patricia advised, “is you give it a chance. Life is too short to spend every second living for tomorrow. You’ve got to seize the moment sometime. Otherwise, before you know it, all the moments will be gone, and you’ll be looking back at your life regretting having never lived.”
Kristen knew Patricia was right and squeezed her friend tightly, wishing it was as simple as Patricia made it sound. But after a lifetime of structure and academics, she wasn’t certain she knew how to “live” as Patricia suggested.
“I love you, sweetie,” Patricia offered affectionately.
“I love you, too,” Kristen replied, wishing it could be as easy with Brodie.
“Remember what I said, okay?” Patricia insisted.
“I will,” Kristen answered, quite certain she would remember but doubtful she could find the strength to use Patricia’s advice. She watched as Patricia rejoined her pilot buddies, knowing wherever Patricia went she would be surrounded by people who cherished her company. Patricia had never been lonely, whereas Kristen entire life had been spent — at least emotionally — alone.
Chapter Six
The sliding glass doors leading to the expanse of patio were closed to keep out the cold. Kristen slid one of the heavy doors open and stepped out, having no desire to rejoin her fellow officers at the moment. Her conversation with Patricia had been both revealing and unsettling, and she needed some time alone — something she wouldn’t get on board the Seawolf—to sort out her thoughts and feelings and make certain her unwanted emotions were locked away tightly before she returned to the boat.
Kristen closed the heavy door, and once beyond, the sound from inside faded to nothing. She was all alone. Her heels clicked on the flagstone beneath her as she stepped across the windswept patio to the railing. It was cold, but the brisk night air was refreshing and would help clear her head. She reached the railing and leaned against it, looking out at the mass of assembled naval power.
Aircraft carriers, guided missile cruisers and destroyers, along with submarines and various supply ships filled the tiny harbor. The ships were illuminated with strings of lights plus spot lights on their hull numbers. Beyond, she could a see a large full moon low in the sky and the various lights dancing across the water. Off to her right was a long stairway with a railing on each side leading down from the patio all the way to a sidewalk at the base of the hill next to a road. She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply the chill night air and smelling the scent of the nearby evergreens. It was a perfect evening: a romantic view, a full moon. It was the kind of night she had dreamed about. The only thing missing was him.