Brodie had gone out of his way to avoid any such conversation. Graves watched him for any reaction, desperately wanting to see the twinkle Brodie always had in his eyes when he had some secret plan. But his eyes were hidden behind the dark glasses, and his face revealed little. Brodie shrugged. “Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because for the last two decades, your whole life has been wrapped up in these damn steel tubes, and now you’re about to be put on the beach for good,” Graves told him bluntly. “And to be perfectly honest, I don’t know what you’re gonna do with yourself.”
“It was bound to happen eventually,” Brodie said with a sigh and another meaningless shrug of a meaty shoulder. Brodie turned his head to look forward along the hull. Graves followed the brief look and saw Kristen seated by O’Rourke. He glanced back at Brodie, whose attention was once more on the searing grill in front of him. Graves was no fool and had picked up something between Brodie and Kristen during the tumultuous cruise. It had been subtle. Both had been determined to hide it. But Graves had seen it and now offered softly, “She’s a fine woman, Sean.”
Brodie didn’t immediately answer. Graves watched him shift the barbeque spatula into his right hand and wipe a bit of sweat from his brow. For a moment Graves thought his friend would simply choose to ignore the comment, but then Brodie said, “I assume you’re talking about Penny.”
“You know damn well who I’m talking about,” Graves replied easily. “Don’t start turning into an asshole just because you made O-6.”
Brodie rewarded him with an amused smile, but his eyes stayed on the hamburgers in front of him. There was a long, uncomfortable silence between them. Graves hoped Brodie would say something. But he stayed tightlipped. “Maybe you could…” Graves let the suggestion linger over the grill thoughtfully.
Brodie flipped a few burgers and set a couple of cooked ones aside. He said nothing.
Graves moved closer, making certain no one could hear them. “Sean, maybe after all these years, she’s the one.” Graves knew Brodie had seen women periodically since his divorce years earlier. Penny had tried to fix him up several times with women they felt certain would be good for their friend, but despite Penny’s best efforts, Brodie had resisted all attempts. “Maybe you two could make something together.”
“I’ve been married,” came the curt, unyielding reply. “Remember?”
Graves knew this only too well, although Brodie had never mentioned the divorce. “I know, but maybe this could be different.”
Graves’ saw a bittersweet smile cross Brodie’s face. “What? You mean like a white picket fence, two and a half kids, and a dog?” Brodie’s voice seemed to make it clear he thought the idea preposterous. “That kind of different?”
“Why not?” Graves asked, not caring anything about protocol at the moment. “Hell, it worked for me and Penny.”
“I know it has,” he answered. “And you have The One. They broke the mold after Penny.” Brodie’s tone made it clear he would accept no argument on the subject as far as his opinion of Penny Graves was concerned. After all these years, she was like a dear sister to him. “You’re a damn lucky man, Jason.”
“And I know it, but we ain’t talkin’ about me,” Graves pointed out. “Sean, you can’t go on like you have. The ride’s ending. It’s time to get off the boat and get on with your life.” Graves’ voice betrayed the concern he felt. “I’m worried about you, man.”
“Jason, that isn’t gonna happen,” Brodie said simply as if the thought of him and Kristen together was impossible.
“Why not?” Graves asked, anxious to see his friend happy.
Brodie shook his head slightly at the ludicrous suggestion. “Well, why don’t we start with: I’m her captain and it would be beyond the pale of unprofessionalism. Not to mention I’m about sixteen years her senior.”
“We’ve both known people who’ve gotten past that sort of stuff. She’s a mature woman. Maybe she knows exactly what she wants.”
“You’re right, she does know what she wants,” Brodie responded pointedly. “She wants a career and maybe her own command someday. And we both know after the hell she’s been put through, the last thing she needs to hinder her realizing those dreams is for anyone to think for one second that the only reason she’s heading up the ladder is because she couldn’t keep it professional with her first skipper.”
“No one would think that,” Graves insisted, not at all certain he believed it. Because of the close quarters on submarines, the Navy had issued draconian regulations regarding fraternization between male and female personnel, and he knew the opponents of women on submarines would jump at the chance to drag her name through the mud as an example of the dangers of women on board. “Anyone who knows you would know better.”
“You’re too trusting of our officer corps,” Brodie said bluntly and motioned toward her. “I never thought every officer in this damn Navy would turn their backs on one of our own,” he said angrily. “But they sure as hell did.”
Graves hadn’t thought about the possible damage to Kristen’s career created by her and Brodie being together. But Brodie had raised the specter of what others might think if they knew they were having an affair. His glowing comments on her fitness report and his stamp of approval would lose their luster quickly. “Maybe she doesn’t care about any of that now?” Graves suggested.
“Then it’s my job to worry about it for her,” Brodie countered simply.
“Are those the only reasons?” he asked. “Because if they are, then I can tell you they wouldn’t have been enough to keep me and Penny apart.”
Graves watched Brodie, his laser-like eyes hidden behind the dark glasses, but his normally stone face showed a hint of sadness, and then he shook his head slowly. “You remember when we pulled into Rota years back?” Brodie asked him.
Graves recalled the divorce papers waiting for Brodie in Rota, Spain. “Yeah, I do.” Brodie had never mentioned it before. Not once in all their years together had he uttered so much as a passing comment about his former wife. It was as if he’d scrapped her from his memory. Only Graves knew better. Despite her faults, Brodie had loved Cheryl, and she’d hurt him in the worst way.
Brodie’s right hand stopped moving, the stainless steel spatula hovered over the grill, his eyes stared into the burning coals as if in a trance. He stood still for over a minute. He didn’t even blink as Graves watched him struggling with what was still a painful memory. Graves saw the hair on Brodie’s knuckles singe off and realized Brodie was reliving the experience, all the pain, and all of the agony he’d endured privately. “Sean?” he whispered and reached for Brodie’s arm.
But then Brodie spoke, his voice low and distant. “I hadn’t thought it possible to hurt so much.”
Graves pulled Brodie’s hand away from the heat.
Brodie came out of the momentary daze and looked at his friend. Graves had never seen his face more stone like. “I can’t go through it again,” he said as he returned to setting the cooked burgers aside. “I won’t do it.” His tone left no room for argument. He preferred eternal loneliness than to risk exposing himself to the same pain again.