“Another coffee!” Bud shouted at the counterman.
You’ll make a silly joke. You’ll laugh at the joke, and whoever you’re with will think you’re very strange, laughing at a silly joke, not knowing you’re really whistling in the dark, and she’s headed for the Union Floor, and I have a test to take...
“Helen, he’ll be all right,” Bud said desperately.
“He’ll die,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “Buddy, he’s going to die, and do you know something? There’s not a goddamn soul except the five people who were at the hospital who’ll give a good goddamn. Twenty years old, and he’s going to die.”
Aren’t we all responsible for each other? If we aren’t, shouldn’t we be?
“The doctor said fifty-fifty. Andy wants to live. He wouldn’t have fouled up his suicide attempt otherwise. Helen, he’ll live.”
“No,” she said flatly. She squashed out her cigarette. The counterman brought another cup of coffee, and she picked up the cup at once. “You’d better get going. Your test is at two, didn’t you say?”
“Yes.”
“Then go ahead.”
“All right,” he said. He went to the coat rack and took his coat from it. He came back to the table. “Helen...”
“Leave me another cigarette, will you?” she asked.
You need help right then... just the help of someone who cares about you... just reassurance... someone to take your hand and lead you out...
“Helen...”
“If you’re going, you’d better get started. Go ahead, Bud.”
“I’m... I’m not sure...”
“You are going, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I...” No, he thought, no! “Helen, look... I... can we... well, suppose we go to a movie or something... I mean, for the afternoon... and then... would you... would you like some dinner? Tonight, that is... and... and maybe we could... could spend the rest of the day together... until... the rest... do you think so?”
“You have an exam,” she said, looking up into his face.
He leaned onto the table, fumbling for words, his eyes clear. “Yes, I... I know I do... I have one, I know... but... I thought we could spend the day together, Helen... I figured...”
“Why?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Because you think I need help? I don’t need any help, Bud. I’ve been through this before, and I’ve always got out of it. I don’t need any help, thanks.”
“I know, Helen. I just thought... well...” He shrugged. He seemed about to go. He started away from the table, and then he turned back, and she was surprised to find him crying. He sat opposite her, and he reached across the table, and he took her hand, and he said, “Helen, you’ve been through it, and you’ll get out of it, but I want to be sure. I want to be sure, darling, can you understand that? And I’ve never been through it, never really, and this time I don’t want to turn my back, Helen. I can’t turn my back for the rest of my life, so let me help you, let me take you home with me, Helen, let me take you home, please.”
She stared up at him, searching his face and his eyes and his mouth, looking for a sign of weakness, and then looking only for strength, looking only for the knowledge that he was strong enough at last, that he was telling himself the truth at last, and seeing that, and smiling, curiously at peace, and finally saying, “I think I’ve been waiting half my life for you to take me home, Bud.”
coda
Lying in the darkness of the room lying with the pain in his body and the harsh breathing and the hot skin and the darkness all around him he knew that death was coming and the shadows hovered over the bed and he wanted his horn in his hands and he wanted to be young again if only he could be young again if only he could be back again when he was young an old man now a man who had seen it all and done it all but none of it like when he’d been young all of it a bust all of it nowhere nowhere the horn if he could only lift his horn to his lips now he would find it he would find the music he would find the music of death was coming death was coming he knew that death was coming he wanted his horn so badly he wanted his horn so that he could blow his horn could blow away death liss-en to that goddamn wind blow blow that horn blow that Gabriel horn if only he could do that before it came if only he could blast the sky apart with his horn find his youth again find what he had lost somewhere along the way where had he lost it where had he lost the magic and the surprise Helen help me please Helen help me please help me find my Carol my horn help me find my horn help me find my life help me find everything I need I need I need before I die because death too death too will be a will be a disappointment