“Finally fell asleep all over again,” he explained. “What took you so long?”
“I had a damned flat,” she said vehemently. “Has Bud gone?”
“Yes, long time ago.”
“Have you had breakfast?”
“No.”
“Shall I get you something?”
“No.”
“Trouble with the stomach again?”
“No. No, I feel fine.”
“Then why don’t you take some breakfast?”
“All right. A cup of coffee, maybe.”
She was wearing a beige suit, the jacket unbuttoned over a coral sweater. She took off the jacket and hung it in the closet, and then she shoved the sleeves of the sweater to her elbows, showing her well-rounded forearms and the light golden down on them.
“You look pretty,” he said.
“Thanks.”
“But you always look pretty.”
“Well, thanks. Where does Bud keep his coffee?”
“Cabinet over the stove. Unquote.”
She went into the kitchen and found the jar of coffee. She put on some water to boil and then walked into the living room.
“This is like old times, isn’t it?” Andy said.
“I suppose.”
“I mean, you know. Us together, cup of coffee, stuff like that.”
“Oh. Yes.”
“Trouble with us, Carol, was that I never fully appreciated you.”
“Let’s not talk about it. Have you had any pains today?”
“Not a one.”
“Good. What’d you do with that package of heroin you had yesterday?”
“Huh?”
“The heroin. The stuff you picked up when you—”
“Oh, oh, that. Still got it. Why?”
“I think you’d better give it to me.”
“What for?”
“Andy, why tempt yourself? Give it to me, and I’ll get rid of it.”
“You planning on shooting up, Carol?” he asked, smiling.
“Oh, don’t be silly. Andy—”
“I always suspected you of being a sneak addict. That’s the worst kind, Carol. That’s the kind—”
“Seriously, Andy. Let me get rid of it.”
He chuckled. “How would you get rid of it? You wouldn’t know where to take—”
“I’ll flush it down the toilet bowl.”
“Honey, you’d be flushing ten bucks out to sea. That’s foolish.”
“I’ll give you the ten dollars,” Carol said. “Where’s the heroin?”
“No, keep your money. I’ll be damned if I’m going to take anything else from you. I hocked Bud’s bag, and I’ll redeem it. Now, let’s not have any more talk about the jive. Now, do you hear me, Carol?”
“All right,” she said wearily.
They sat in silence for several moments, and then she said, “Coffee should be ready. Want to come in now?”
He rose, and they went into the kitchen together, and she spooned the powdered coffee into their cups.
“Not too much for me,” Andy said.
“All right.”
She put the kettle back on the stove, and they sat together drinking.
“We should have got married,” he said suddenly.
“Do you think so?”
“Sure I think so. I wouldn’t have said so if I didn’t think so.”
Carol smiled weakly. “You never asked me,” she said.
“Would you have married me if I’d asked? I mean, if I hadn’t gone crazy with myself, would you have?”
“I suppose so.”
“It could have been real nice,” he said wistfully. “I think I’d have liked being married to you. I mean, like we could have had coffee together every morning like this. That would’ve been nice.” He paused. “Don’t you think so?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“We used to have a lot of fun together,” he said.
“Yes.”
“You can’t deny that, can you?”
“No, I can’t deny that.”
“Before Bud and the boys left for the service, and even while they were gone. You have to admit we had a lot of fun in those days, Carol.”
“Yes.”
“A lot of fun,” he repeated, “and we made a good couple, too. We always looked good together, Carol, and that’s a fact. Jesus, sometimes I wonder—” He cut himself off.
“What, Andy?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I just wonder where the hell did it all go? Jesus, where the hell did it all go?”
“It’ll be different,” Carol said softly. “Once you’re all right again, things will be different.”
“Sure,” he said, “sure, I know they will. Carol, do you think... Jesus, do you think I can do it? Do you think I really can kick it?”
“I know you can,” she said.
“Oh, Jesus, wouldn’t that be great? Oh, God, if I only could. If I only could do it, Carol, I’d... I’d give anything if I only could do it. Kick the monkey off and get back on the right road again. It’s been such a damn long time since I’ve been on the right track. And this Fredericks gig is really something, you know that, don’t you? He’s got a corny outfit, but what difference does it make, so long as you’re blowing steady. There’s no such thing as corny, except when you’re a kid, and you can’t be a kid all your life, can you, Carol?”
“No,” she said.
“So look, look, if I can kick this, I mean really kick it, get off it for good, not even look at it any more, and if I can land the Fredericks gig, well... things’ll be okay again, won’t they? I mean, you know I can play trumpet, don’t you?”
“You’re a wonderful trumpet player,” she said.
“Sure, so all it amounts to is staying cool, that’s all, so everybody can know I’m good. Honey, I... I want that job, you know, and I’m really gonna blow when I get it — oh, Jesus, how I’m gonna blow, like... like I never did before. I’m gonna... I’m gonna practice again, every day, and I’m gonna start taking lessons again, just as soon as I land this gig, just as soon as I’ve kicked the habit. Jesus, Carol, I’ll be free again, do you realize what that means? I won’t have to be scrounging around any more, I won’t be a bum — a bum, that’s what I am — I’ll be somebody, something, I’ll stand up there and I’ll knock the walls down with my horn.”
He was out of breath now, and his eyes were glistening. He reached across the table and took Carol by the wrist, and his fingers tightened around the wrist, and he said, “And if I make the band, and if I... I’m all right again, maybe we could... I mean...”
“What, Andy?”
“Do you think you’d... do you think you could marry me, Carol?”
She stared at him curiously, as if she hadn’t heard him. He waited for her answer, leaning across the table, his hand around her wrist.
“I know I shouldn’t even ask, Jesus, not after the way I’ve been, not after spitting in your eye whenever you tried to help. I know I shouldn’t, Carol, but I’m asking anyway because you know you’re the only one, the only girl who ever mattered a damn to me, Carol. I never should have let you go. I should have locked you up someplace, I should have killed myself before I let you go, but I’m asking you now, I’m asking you now, honey, and I’ll get down on my hands and knees if you want me to, I’ll kiss your feet if you want, but say yes, Carol, say you’ll marry me if I straighten out, say you will, honey, please, please. Because I know now that I... honey, honey, tears? No, please, don’t cry, please, Carol, I don’t want to make you cry, I don’t want to make you cry ever again.”
He stood and walked around the table, and he cradled her head, and she wept against his chest.
“Your shirt,” she said. “I’m getting... your shirt all wet.”
“Don’t cry, Carol. Please don’t.”
“Andy, do... do you mean it? What you said?”