“Yes, oh, Jesus, yes! I’ve never meant anything so much in my life.”
“I’d—” she swallowed hard, and then she smiled — “I’d be... very happy to... to marry you,” she said.
He kissed her fleetingly, and then he went back to the other side of the table, and he sat grinning at her, feeling somewhat guilty all at once for what had happened before she’d arrived, but feeling a new strength within him, too, and knowing that now he would kick the habit, kick it once and for all.
They went into the living room, and they sat quietly. The silence was not a strained one, nor did either of them make any effort to speak, as if conversational communication were no longer necessary between them. They were like a tired, contented couple in a small-town waiting room, waiting for the three A.M. train.
When the train came, neither of them heard it.
Bud shoved his key into the door lock, twisted it, and then threw the door open. He glanced briefly into the living room and then went into the kitchen and directly to the refrigerator. Carol came into the kitchen as he was pouring himself a glass of milk.
“How’d it go?” she asked.
“Lousy,” he said. “I flunked.”
“Bud, you didn’t!”
“What choice was there? Half of it was Greek to me.”
“Oh, Bud, I’m terribly sorry.”
“Yeah,” he said. He drained the glass and poured it full to the brim again. Andy came into the kitchen, a smile on his face.
“How’s the scholar?” he asked, and he couldn’t have picked a worse opening question.
“Right in his grave,” Bud snapped. “Thanks a lot.”
“What happened?” Andy asked.
“Just what I knew would happen. What do you think?”
“What happened, Carol?”
“He thinks he flunked.”
“I know I flunked. Never mind any thinking. I flunked that test as sure as God made little green apples.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” Andy said.
“You ought to be. Why couldn’t you have shut up for a little while?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was—”
“What did you think you were doing then? Did you think I could study with you rattling on about everything that’s happened since the Ice Age? Did you think—”
“Bud,” Carol said gently.
“No, Carol, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. I don’t mind helping out, but goddamnit when I extend a hand I don’t expect it to be chewed off at the elbow.”
“I’ll go,” Andy said.
“Where will you go?” Bud asked. “Answer me that.”
“I’ll find a place.”
“Yeah, you’ll find a place. And then you’ll be right back on the band wagon again.”
“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt your studying. Believe me, Bud, I wouldn’t have had this happen for the world.”
“That’s very nice of you, but it’s already happened.”
“Well, what do you want me to do?” Andy asked.
“Nothing. Just shut up for the next few days so I won’t flunk the whole rotten battery, that’s all.”
“No, I’ll go.”
“Oh, wipe that stupid martyred look from your face, will you? I’m getting sick of seeing you running around like Joan of Arc.”
“I wasn’t trying to—”
“Who the hell are you trying to kid, anyway, Andy?” Bud shouted. “You act as if everyone but yourself is to blame for your goddamn habit! Well, get that out of your head, will you? And learn to be a civilized human being. Nobody owes you anything, remember that. Anything you’re getting is gravy.”
“Bud, for God’s sake—” Carol started.
“Let him talk,” Andy said tightly.
“Sure, let him talk. Andy approves of talk. All Andy does is talk, talk, talk. Well, I’m fed up with Andy’s talk. He talked me right out of a passing grade in Milton — and he may have talked me into an extra semester as well.”
“Who cares whether you get out in three and a half years or not?” Andy snapped.
“I’m in a hurry,” Bud answered rapidly.
“Why? Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?”
“Listen, I don’t have to—”
“Never mind,” Andy said. “I’m getting out. I’m not going to stick around if you feel—”
“He wants me to get down on my hands and knees and beg him to stay,” Bud said. “Well, kid, you’ve got another guess coming. You want to go, good-by!”
“I’m going, Carol.”
“Bud, couldn’t we—”
“Let him go if he wants to. We can’t wipe his nose for the rest of his life.”
“Nobody’s asking you to wipe my nose,” Andy shouted. “Your own nose could use a little wiping, if you ask me. Go back to your books. Have yourself a ball. I won’t bother you again, don’t worry.”
“We need a little ‘Hearts and Flowers’ for this,” Bud said.
“I think you should stay here, Andy,” Carol said.
“And listen to this bull? I know when I’m not wanted, all right.”
“Poor little Andy,” Bud said. “Nobody wants him.”
“Look, Bud—”
“Look, Andy, let’s get this straight between us,” Bud said. “I don’t care if you go or stay or drop dead, understand? I just don’t care any more. When Carol called with her sob story, I figured, okay, do a turn for an old friend. Okay, I’m always ready to do a turn for an old friend. Old friend needs a place to stay; sure, bring him around. But I’ve worked pretty hard for the past three years, and I don’t want to see all that shot to hell, understand? I may be able to squeeze my way out of one flunk, but it’ll be murder if I flunk another test. If you stay here — and mind you, I’m not coaxing you because I don’t give a damn one way or the other — you’d better just shut up for the remainder of the week. You’d better just pretend you’re all alone in the apartment. If you feel like talking, go into the john and talk to yourself. If you want to practice, put in a mute and go up on the roof. But leave me alone. Stay or go but, either way, leave me alone.”
“I’ll go,” Andy said.
“Fine.”
“You’ll stay,” Carol told him.
“What for? He’s made himself pretty plain, hasn’t he? He wants me out. So, out I go.”
“He didn’t say that.”
“Seems to me that’s what he said.”
“Why do you want to get out, Andy? So you can get some stuff?”
“I haven’t even given it a thought.”
“Then why do you want to get out?”
“He doesn’t want me here,” Andy said patiently.
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, stay,” Bud said. “I knew it would get down to that. Everybody bends over backward for Andrew the Great.”
“Sure, Andrew the Great,” Andy said mockingly.
“And here comes the self-pity routine again. Look, stay. Do me a favor and stay. Please stay, Andy, old pal. Okay? Are you happy now? Stay.”
Andy did not look at Bud. “I won’t make any noise or anything,” he said. “I promise.”
“All right.”
“I’d go, but I don’t know where to go. I want to break the habit, I really want to break it. Can’t you understand that? Just help me do it. Just help me. Just... let me stay. I... I won’t say a word, I swear it. But help me, for God’s sake, help me.”
Bud felt suddenly very small. He looked at Carol, and then he spread his hands and opened his mouth as if to say something, and then he shook his head and started to say something again. He closed his mouth a second time, and finally he spoke.
“I didn’t mean to needle you, kid,” he said. “Stay as long as you like. The place is yours. And practice wherever the hell you want to. I don’t mind. I know that job is important.”
“Your tests are important, too,” Andy said. “Oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus, if I... if I...” He seemed ready to say more, but he just kept shaking his head, over and over again.