“I hope so. I wish I... I wish I could do more for him. I feel so helpless just sitting here and watching him and not being able to do anything.” She shook her head, and they were silent for several moments. Then, uncomfortably, she said, “I know about what happened. I mean, long ago. With you and Andy.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. Oh, he didn’t tell me. Andy didn’t. And Bud didn’t, either. Do you know Frank?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, of course you do. Frank told me in one of his letters. During the war. He told me casually, as if he thought I already knew about it. I think, though, I think he knew I didn’t know. I think he just wanted to tell me, I don’t know. I never liked him much after that. I don’t think he’s a nice person.”
“No, he isn’t.”
“It must have been terrible for you. You must have hated Andy very much. For... for what he did to you.”
“No. Only for what he took away from me.”
“Bud, you mean. Yes. You should have got together again. In all my letters to Bud, I always mentioned you. I always said he should call you. I always thought you should be together.”
“We did get together again,” Helen said quietly.
“Oh? I didn’t know that.” She paused. “Then why—”
“There’s no percentage in hatred, Carol,” Helen said suddenly. “I hated him so viciously I—” She stopped, shaking her head.
“Andy, do you mean?”
“No. Not Andy.”
“I... I don’t understand.”
“Well, let’s forget it.” She sighed heavily.
“Andy’s asked me to marry him,” Carol said. She smiled weakly, the first smile Helen had seen on her face since she’d come into the apartment.
“Good. Did you accept?”
“Oh, yes.” The smile broadened. “Yes, I did.”
“I’m very happy for you. He’s a wonderful guy, Carol, but... just stick with him. He needs someone by his side, that’s all.” She paused. “Most of us do.”
“I think he’ll be all right. I mean, once the doctor comes. I don’t think this is anything serious, do you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Probably all the excitement. He’s been through a lot in the past few days. Well, you must know. You’ve been through it, too.”
“Yes,” Helen said. She looked at Andy. His mouth was open, his eyes closed. He was breathing heavily. “Yes.” A frown passed over her brow as she watched Andy. She reached out and touched his forehead.
“Is he still very hot?” Carol asked.
“Yes, he is.”
Carol shook her head. “I wish the doctor would hurry.”
The door opened, and Bud came into the apartment. He smiled weakly.
“All squared away with your landlady?” Helen asked.
“Yeah,” he said. He felt embarrassed over having crawled to his landlady, felt even more embarrassed now that it was all over. “Yep, we got it all settled. Seems Andy was playing the records pretty early. You can’t blame her, I guess. I mean, she does have other tenants.”
“Yes.”
“And she’s really not a bad person.”
Helen smiled pleasantly. “She seemed like a bitch to me,” she said.
“Well, well, I suppose. But you can’t blame her for wanting to keep an orderly house. Hell, things haven’t been exactly... well, quiet around here, have they?”
“Far from it,” Helen said.
“Yeah, so you can’t blame her. I explained it all to her.”
“Did you tell her your friend was a drug addict?”
“Why, no. No, I didn’t.” Bud frowned. “I didn’t think it was any of her business.”
“It isn’t.”
“Then why’d you ask if I told her?”
“I thought you might have.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“All right.”
He was suddenly miffed. There was something exasperating about Helen’s calmness. There was such a thing as carrying this rock idea too damned far. It was all well and good to be cool and detached, but not if it made everyone around you feel awkward. He looked at Helen and coolly asked, “When’s the doctor coming?”
“Soon.”
“Did he say when?”
“As soon as he could, he said. He’ll be here.”
“You’re pretty damn calm about all of this, aren’t you?”
Helen returned his stare. “Someone has to be,” she said.
“Sure, and it might as well be you. You’re a rock.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
He turned away from her and went to the window, wondering why he was so annoyed.
“He’ll be here soon, Bud,” Carol said.
“Well, let’s hope so.”
Go ahead, he thought, sit there like a rock. Helen Cantor, the Rock of Gibraltar. You weren’t such a steadfast rock when we...
Let’s not think about that.
“You should have asked him when he was coming,” he said.
“I did,” Helen answered. “He said he’d be here as soon as possible.”
“You should have told him it was an emergency.”
“I told him Andy seemed very sick.”
“You should have made it stronger!”
“What’s eating you?” Helen said sharply.
“Nothing,” he snapped back.
“Then don’t take out your own guilt feelings on me!”
“Guilt feelings! What the hell are you talking about?”
“Figure it out for yourself.”
“Because I left him alone, you mean? He didn’t kill himself, did he?”
“No, he didn’t.”
“All right, then leave me alone. You think I have nothing to worry about but Andy? I’ve got a test at two o’clock, and I haven’t even cracked a book for it!”
“Why don’t you go into the bathroom and study now?” Helen asked.
“How the hell can I study when we’re sitting here waiting for the doctor?”
“That’s your problem,” Helen said coldly.
“Yes, and Andy’s problem is his problem. And I don’t mind telling you I didn’t ask to be dragged into it, and I’m not happy about being dragged into it.”
“Poor little Buddy,” Helen said mockingly. “Everybody comes to him with their problems.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Buddy, dear Buddy,” Helen said, “everything in life is a problem. Every damn waking minute of it. When you get rid of one, there’s another one right around the corner. Don’t you think it’s time you recognized that?”
“I recognized it a long time ago. And my problem right now is a test at two P.M. And there’s another one right around the corner on Friday.”
“Very big problems,” Helen agreed. “Practically insurmountable.”
“Don’t get sarcastic.”
“I was sympathizing.”
“You’ve got a peculiar brand of sympathy.”
“Bud, I was only trying to tell you—”
“Helen, can’t you see I’m—”
They stopped talking simultaneously. They stared at each other across the length of the room. He wanted to explain to her that he hadn’t meant to sound the way he’d sounded, but he couldn’t find the right words. He stared at her, and she still seemed very calm and very composed, and he admired her strength, and he envied her strength, and he was somewhat embarrassed by it.
He thought back to the way she had handled the policemen at the door, the way she had stepped into the apartment and created order out of despondent chaos. He thought of her cool efficiency and his own fumbling awkwardness, and he wondered how someone as levelheaded as Helen could possibly have turned to drugs.
And he knew why.
He knew why, and he turned from her because he could not bear looking at her face.
He knew why, and he told himself it wasn’t so, he had had nothing to do with it, hadn’t she labeled it herself yesterday — a personality defect, hadn’t she said so? But he could see no defect in her now. She seemed superior to everyone in the room now, superior to any situation. And if she was so strong now, why did she once turn to heroin?