I shake my head. ‘Of course not.’
‘How’re you and Connor getting on now?’
‘Much better.’ She nods. ‘He seems to have got himself a girlfriend.’
‘A girlfriend?’
I feel a flash of pride. ‘Uh-huh.’ I pull up at some traffic lights. In the wing mirror I see a cyclist weaving through the traffic, coming up too close. ‘Though he won’t talk to me about it, of course,’ I add. ‘He barely even admits that she exists to me, though he seems to talk to Hugh.’
‘Is that usual?’ She sounds genuinely interested. ‘For him, I mean?’
I think of what Adrienne has told me. ‘It’s probably usual for all teenagers.’ I sigh. The lights change and we pull away. We’re almost at Great Portland Street. Nearly there. I’m happy Connor’s growing up, sad that must also, inevitably, mean growing away. I remember talking to Adrienne about that, too, a few weeks ago. ‘It’s something they go through,’ she’d said, then she hesitated, corrected herself. ‘Well, not exactly go through,’ she said. ‘They don’t really come out of it. This is the first stage of him leaving you, I’m afraid …’
I glance at Anna. ‘He doesn’t want to come out with us when we go out any more. He just stays in his room …’
She smiles. ‘So you’re sure it’s a girlfriend?’
‘Oh, yes. I think so, though he tells me to mind my own business, of course.’ I don’t tell her I insisted he showed me a photograph, this morning, after much discussion with Hugh. She looks a little older than him. I’m still convinced it’s the girl from Carla’s party, though he’s certain she wasn’t there. ‘She’s a friend of a friend of his. They met on Facebook.’ She looks at me with a knowing smile. ‘Hugh’s spoken to him about her. They chat online, apparently, though she doesn’t live far away.’
There’s a long pause, then she says, ‘And did you ever hear from that guy again? Lukas?’
‘Oh, no. I haven’t heard from him at all.’
I’m glad I’m driving; I can take my time to answer, decide what to say. I can pretend my silences are due to an increased need for concentration, rather than the fact that I’m finding the conversation difficult. I can fix my gaze on the road, disguise the expression on my face. I can skirt the truth as I tell her what’s been going on. As much as I feel I can confide in Anna, I feel shame, too.
‘So Hugh—?’
‘He doesn’t know any of it,’ I say quickly. I glance at her. She’s looking at me, her face impassive. I try to lighten the tone, to reassure her that I know I was stupid but it’s over now. ‘He’d never … he wouldn’t understand.’
‘Oh, God, I won’t say anything to Hugh! Don’t … I just wouldn’t.’
‘It was a bit of fun. You know? A distraction. Good while it lasted.’
‘Oh, yes. Totally. Of course …’
Until it wasn’t fun any more, I think.
‘He’s vanished, anyway.’
‘You sound disappointed.’
‘Not at all.’
There’s a longer pause, then. I’m tense, embarrassed, because we both know how my affair with Lukas ended. The silence goes on; each of us waits for the other to break it. Eventually she does. She asks me what my plans are for the week, and I tell her. A bit of work, I might catch a movie. At last we reach the hotel.
‘Ah, we’re here.’
We pull up. The place is surprisingly nice, though nothing like as grand as the places Lukas was taking me to. ‘Want me to come in?’
She shakes her head. ‘It’s fine. You probably need to get on.’
It’s an excuse, and I smile. I’d like to catch up some more, but she looks tired; I’ve forgotten she’s here to work, will probably want to have a rest before preparing for her conference in the morning. There’s plenty of time for catching up when she comes round for dinner.
We get out and I get her case from the boot of the car. ‘See you on Monday, then.’
She asks what time she should arrive. ‘And what shall I bring?’
‘Nothing, nothing at all. Just yourself. I’d better give you directions,’ I say. She takes her phone out of her bag.
‘Oh, I’ll use this.’ She swipes through more screens. ‘It’s so much easier. There. I’ve added you …’
I don’t know what she means. ‘I don’t—’ I begin, but she interrupts me.
‘Find Friends. It’s an app that shows where your friends are in relation to you. On a map. It’s standard. Check your emails.’
I do. There’s a new message. ‘Accept that invitation,’ she says, ‘then our profiles are linked. I can see where you are on the map, and you can see me. I use it all the time back home. After Kate died it was kind of reassuring to know where my friends were.’
She takes my phone and shows me. A map opens, showing where we’re standing. Two dots pulse over each other. ‘One for me, one for you,’ she says.
I look at the screen. Underneath the map there’s a list of people who’re following me. Anna’s name is there, but underneath is another. Lukas.
I feel like I’ve been slapped.
‘Shit.’
Anna looks shocked. ‘What is it?’
‘Him. Lukas.’ I try to keep my voice steady. I don’t want her to hear the fear in it. ‘He’s been following me on here …’
‘What?’
I hold out my phone. ‘Look. How—’ I begin, but she’s already explaining.
‘He must’ve linked your profiles. You didn’t know?’
I shake my head. I can’t believe what’s happening.
‘He must’ve found some way of sending you a request, then accepting it on your behalf. Easy enough, if you left him alone with your phone.’
All those times I was in the bathroom, my phone in my bag or on the bedside table. She’s right. It would’ve been easy.
‘Can we stop him following me?’
‘Easy.’ She swipes something on the screen, then hands the phone back to me. ‘There,’ she says firmly. ‘Deleted.’
I look. It’s just her name, now. ‘He can’t see where I am any more?’
‘No.’ She puts her hand on my arm. ‘Are you all right?’
I nod, and I realize that yes, yes I am. I’m weirdly relieved. So this is how he’d known where I’d be. All that time. At least now I know. At least now I’m finally rid of him.
‘You’re sure?’
‘It’s a bit of a shock, but I’m okay. Honestly.’
‘I’ll see you Monday, then?’ I nod. ‘I’ll let you know what Ryan’s doing as soon as he knows himself.’
‘Great. He’s very welcome. I’m looking forward to meeting him.’
She kisses me, then turns to leave.
‘He can’t wait to meet you.’
At home I go straight to my computer. Seeing his name has awoken something. One last time, I tell myself. I open encountrz, search for his name, and again I get the same message, as stark and unambiguous as my disappointment.
Username not found.
It’s like he never existed. He’s vanished as completely as the bruises he caused.
I type his name into Google. There’s nothing. No mention of him, or anyone that could be him. I try Facebook and find his profile is nowhere to be found, then ring his number again, even though I know exactly what dead sound I’ll hear. Usually I’d circle back now, and do it all again. And again. But this time is different. This time I know it has to stop. I log back on to my own profile, the one on encountrz, the one I’d set up that afternoon in the garden. I navigate the menus until I find it. Delete profile.
I hesitate, breathe deeply, once, twice, then click.
Are you sure?
I choose yes.
The screen changes: Profile deleted.
Jayne doesn’t exist any more.
I sit back. Now, I think. Now, finally, it’s over.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I’m in the living room when Anna arrives. She’s alone. Ryan had plans, she’d said, but will pick her up later. I call upstairs to Hugh and go to the door. Our guest is standing outside, holding a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers. ‘I’m early!’ she says as I usher her in. ‘Sorry!’ I tell her it’s fine and take the coat she’s wearing, a red rainproof that’s slightly damp.