The wheels squeal, the train passes, as quickly as it’d come. I look back to the end of the alleyway, where it joins the street.
And he’s there. Even though he can’t possibly know that I’m here, that I’ve worked out where he lives, he’s there. Standing at the end of the alleyway wearing the same blue parka he’d had on the other day. Lukas.
Something is released inside me. The wave builds and I take a step back. ‘What—?’ I begin, but I already know how he found me.
‘You think it was an accident? Letting you see over my shoulder? You’re a clever girl, Julia. I knew you’d work it out. Plus, I knew you wouldn’t want to leave it until tomorrow—’
‘Where’s Connor? Where’s my son?’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Damn him. I begin to move. My hand goes to my bag, then inside it. I feel the weight of the gun, its hardness. I wonder if the rain will affect it, then remember it doesn’t matter. I have no intention of using it. I have to scare him. I have to make him think I’m capable of killing, something I now know he himself has done.
No. I stop the thought dead. Connor’s face comes into view. I can’t afford to think of Kate. Not now. I have to focus. I have to make him give me my son back, and then admit what he did, somehow get him to turn himself in.
I raise my face to him. Defiant. The rain hits.
‘I know what you did.’
‘What I did? To Anna? And what’s that, then?’
‘Here. I know what happened here. You were chatting to Kate, online. You … you enticed her here. You killed her …’
He shakes his head.
‘I know you’re Connor’s father. No matter what she told Anna, or me, or Hugh. You’re Connor’s father.’
His eyes narrow. ‘You’re even crazier than I thought. I didn’t even know Kate.’
‘Liar.’ I try to steady my voice and say it again. ‘You’re a liar.’
‘Don’t be absurd. I didn’t—’
I lift my hand up out of my bag. The sweater drops away. He sees the gun, his eyes go wide.
‘Fuck!’
I feel it coming. The boiling anger, the rage. The wave is breaking, but I can’t give in to it, not yet. I have to keep my head clear.
‘You killed Kate!’ My fury is molten lava; it burns and will not be contained. I wipe the rain out of my eyes with the back of the hand holding the gun. ‘You killed my sister!’
He takes a step forward. ‘Julia,’ he says, ‘listen to me …’
A look of fear flashes on his face and his swaggering bravado drops away. He’s Lukas again, the man I once knew. My mind goes to the time I’d been angry with him, told him I wasn’t sure what was happening between us or whether I wanted it to continue. He’d looked frightened, then. I thought that was because he loved me, when really it was because I was close to escape.
I raise the gun. I point it at his chest. I think of pulling the trigger, seeing the red bloom on his shirt. For an instant I wish I could do it.
‘Stay away from me!’
He freezes. I see him try to work out what to do. He probably thinks he could rush at me, grab the gun. He probably thinks I wouldn’t pull the trigger.
‘I said stay away!’
He takes a step back. He looks less certain now, he doesn’t know what to do. He glances back to where he came from, then up to his apartment, as if the answer will be there.
‘This is what’s going to happen.’ I hesitate; I’m trying to calm down. ‘We’re going to go up to your apartment. We’ll let Anna go, and then—’
‘Listen.’ He looks at me, imploring, and for a moment I want to believe he’s innocent, that none of this is real. ‘You’ve got this all wrong. I didn’t kill your sister. I never even met her. Anna said she knew you’d inherited some money and she thought we could get it …’
I stab the gun towards him. ‘You’re lying.’
‘No, listen. Anna’s just a casual thing, you know? I met her online. Just like you. A few months ago—’
‘Shut up!’
‘—we’re not getting married. She said we should blackmail you.’
I take a step towards him. My finger rests on the trigger. ‘Stop pretending this is about money!’
I close my eyes, open them again. I want to believe him. I want to believe that this has nothing to do with Connor.
But it does. My son is missing. Of course it does.
‘Where’s Connor?’
‘It was just part of the game. I don’t know anything about your son. You have to believe—’
I shout. ‘Where is he?’ My voice echoes off the cold walls of the alleyway. He shakes his head. ‘My son is missing. My sister was killed right here, right where we’re standing, and you expect me—’
‘What?’
He looks genuinely confused.
‘She died here.’
He shakes his head. ‘No. No.’
Again, doubt creeps in. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe this is a mistake.
I level the gun. I won’t let him convince me again. Over his shoulder I can see down the alleyway; there’s a figure, crossing the road, coming slowly towards us. A passer-by? There haven’t been any of those, not since we got here.
It looks like Anna. I don’t want him to turn and see her.
‘Stop lying to me.’
‘Julia. Believe me. How can I have killed your sister? I was in Australia. You know that …’
I ignore him. The approaching figure is under the street lamp now. I’m right, it is Anna, and even in the dim light I can see that she looks awful. Her face is bruised, there’s a dark patch on her white shirt that might be blood. I gasp, I can’t help it. ‘Anna!’
Lukas looks round but doesn’t move. She runs past him and joins me.
‘Julia, whatever he’s saying, he’s lying.’ She’s out of breath, but speaks quickly, furiously. ‘Listen to me … he killed Kate … I found out … it was over Connor … but he made me lie … he made me …’
My last shred of hope falls away. I look into his eyes and remember that I loved him – or thought I did at least – and he had killed my sister.
‘It was you.’
‘Don’t be absurd. Don’t believe her! Julia! I didn’t kill your sister. I swear—’
‘You killed her.’ I’m almost whispering; my words are swallowed by the rain. ‘And then you made me fall in love with you.’ I hesitate. The words won’t come. ‘I loved you and you killed my sister. You used me to get close to Connor.’
‘No!’ He steps forward. The rain has plastered his hair to his forehead; it drips from him, soaking him. ‘I didn’t kill anyone, I swear.’ He looks from me to Anna. ‘What are you doing?’ He reaches for her but I wave the gun and he backs off. ‘How can you say you lied for me? I lied for you!’
I lift the gun up.
‘Tell her!’ he says, then. He’s speaking to Anna. ‘Tell her I was abroad that night!’
She shakes her head. ‘I’m not lying for you again.’ She sobs. ‘I lied to the police, but I’m not doing it again. You told me you were abroad, but you weren’t. You killed her, Lukas. You did it.’
‘No!’ he says. ‘No!’ But I can barely hear him. All I can hear is Anna. You did it.
‘Listen,’ he says. ‘I can explain—’
My hand begins to shake. The gun is heavy, slick with rain. ‘Where’s Connor?’
No one speaks.
‘Where is he?’
Anna looks at me. ‘Julia,’ she says, and I can see that she’s crying. ‘Julia. Connor … is upstairs. I tried to protect him …’
I look at the blood on her shirt.
‘I couldn’t. We need an ambulance. We have to get him to a hospital—’
Everything collapses. It’s automatic, impulsive. A reflex. I don’t even think. I look at the gun in my hand and, beyond it, Lukas.
I pull the trigger.
What happens next isn’t supposed to. There’s an instant – an almost imperceptible moment – of something that resembles stillness. Stasis. I don’t feel as if I’ve made an irreversible decision; for a moment it’s as if I can still take it all back. Turn away. Become something else, or follow a path that leads to a different future.
But then the gun fires. My hand leaps up with the kick; there’s a flash and the noise hits. It’s intense; my whole body reacts as the gun’s blast echoes off the walls of the alleyway. A second later it’s gone, replaced by a deadening numbness. In the silence I look in horror at the gun in my hand, as if I can’t believe what I’ve done, and then I look at Lukas.