I decided, there and then, to keep on the house. That would allay Jane’s and Polly’s anxieties and those of Joe Tugg; and would provide a home for me when I was able to make my escape, for I did not entirely despair of doing so.
When I told them they were immensely relieved.
“We’ll keep the place beautiful,” said Jane.
“And then you’ll be coming on visits with the little boy,” added Polly.
“That’ll be lovely.”
Joe said he would keep the carriage looking a treat and I’d be proud to ride in it.
So that was settled.
The day after the funeral, I left for the Minster.
As soon as I arrived at the station I sensed something unusual.
The station-master saluted me gravely, which was strange for he was generally rather garrulous. Jim, the porter, looked the other way.
There was no conveyance to meet me as I had not told them the time of my arrival; but there was a station fly which took me to the house.
There was silence everywhere. No one was about. The door of the hall was never locked during the day so I went in.
There was silence everywhere.
I ran up the stairs to the nursery.
“Julian!” I cried.
“I’m back.”
Silence.
The blinds were drawn in the nursery. The cot was empty, but standing on trestles in one corner of the room was something which sent shivers down my spine.
It was a little coffin.
I went to it and looked inside.
I felt as though I were going to collapse, for lying there, an expression of serenity on his cold white face, was my son.
The door had opened and Nanny Benson stood there.
“Oh …” she said.
“We didn’t know you was coming today.”
I just stared at her. Then I looked at the coffin.
“Two days ago,” she said.
I felt that the whole world was collapsing about me. I was dreaming.
This was a nightmare.
Nanny Benson began to cry.
“Oh, the poor little mite. It happened so quick.”
“Mrs. Pollack …” I cried.
“Where is Mrs. Pollack?”
The old woman looked at me, her lips trembling. Louie appeared in the doorway. I had never seen her look so solemn.
“Terrible things has happened,” she said.
“Mrs. Pollack went to the town and we never saw her again.”
“It’s crazy …” I said.
“Everyone’s gone crazy … the whole world … For God’s sake tell me.”
“Mrs. Pollack caught the cholera. There’s been two cases in the town besides her. She went in to see to some shopping the day after you left, and she didn’t come back. She collapsed in a shop there and they took her into the hospital. She died. It was the cholera.”
“I … can’t believe it.”
“It’s true. They’re scared of the cholera. You have to be separated when you gets it. They’re scared of another epidemic. They put her away in the hospital and she never come out.”
So she hadn’t been here to look after him! That was my first thought.
Good Mrs. Pollack on whom I had relied had not been there. And he had died . my boy had died. They had let him die.
My anger was battling with my grief, which was too great to be borne.
I knew that I was as yet too shocked to feel the enormity of it.
I could only stand there staring at those two who, I was sure, had failed to look after my precious child. He had been alone . without Mrs. Pollack in this evil house . and they had let him die.
“And … my child …” I heard myself saying.
“Pneumonia. It was quick. Right as rain one day and fighting for his life the next.”
Why had I not taken him with me! I knew why. Yet why had fate played such a cruel trick as to call me away and then take Mrs. Pollack when I most needed her!
“Was he in pain?”
“Fighting for his breath at the end,” Louie said.
“I want to see the doctor.”
“Dr. Calliber didn’t come till it was all over.”
“Why not? Why didn’t you call the doctor?”
“There was a doctor here. One of Mr. Aubrey’s guests. He saw him and gave him something, didn’t he. Aunt Em? But it was too late.”
“One of his guests!”
“Yes … one of them.”
“Was anyone with him when he died?”
Louie said: “Yes … I was.”
I could have struck her. Oh no! I thought. Not Louie. No doubt she was thinking about assignations with her lovers while my child was dying!
“Mr. Aubrey came up when he heard. He was here at the end.”
I could not bear the sight of them.
I cried: “Leave me. Leave me alone with him. Get out.”
They crept away.
I stood over the coffin looking down at the dear face.
“Julian,” I whispered.
“Don’t go away. Come back to me. I’m here now.
My blessed boy. Come back and we’ll never, never be parted again. “
I prayed for a miracle.
“Oh God, raise him from the dead.
You know what this child means to me. I do not want to live without him. Please . please . God. “
I pictured him, feverish, perhaps calling for me. Mrs. Pollack was not there to soothe him. Cruel, malevolent fate had taken her. Death was implacable. Life was unbearable. Mrs. Pollack, who had been so alive, to be stricken by the cholera which had claimed so many victims such a short time ago and might claim more. My dear father, that rock to which I had believed I could always cling, had been taken from me; and while I was making arrangements for his burial, my own child was dying.
It was too much to bear. I could not yet realize all that I had lost.
I felt bewildered and alone. I was desolate.
I do not know how long I stood there by the coffin.
Aubrey came in.
“Susanna,” he said gently.
“I heard you were back. My dear, this is terrible. And your father. I am so sorry. You can’t stay here. Come away. Let me take you to your room.”
He would have taken my arm but I moved away. I could not bear that he should touch me.
I went to my bedroom. Julian’s cot had been taken away. It looked so empty.
Aubrey followed me into the room.
“This is a terrible shock to you,” he said, ‘and to happen while you were arranging your father’s funeral. “
“I should have taken him with me,” I murmured, more to myself than to him. ” If I had, this would never have happened.”
“It couldn’t be avoided. It came so swiftly. A cold one day … the next pneumonia.”
“When did Mrs. Pollack go?”
“Poor woman, that was dreadful. It was the day after you left.”
“You should have told me. I would have come back and taken my baby had I known … no matter what you did. There was no one to look after him.”
“There was Nanny … and Louie.”
“A whisky-sodden old woman and a flighty girl whose thoughts are with her next meeting with the master of the house.”
“Oh come, Susanna, that doesn’t help.”
“But there was no one looking after him. You didn’t call in Dr. Calliber.”
“There was no need. It was so sudden. There was a doctor in the house.”
I stared at him, fresh horror beginning to dawn on me.
“It was Damien,” I said.
“Yes, he was here for the night.”
“And my child was left to him ” In your temples of sin, no doubt. “
“You are not being reasonable.”
“I am trying to understand why a perfectly healthy child should die so suddenly.”
“You talk as though children never die. They are dying all the time . from this ailment or that. It is not easy to rear children. In fact, child mortality is commonplace.”
“Among those who are not cared for, perhaps. My child has been neglected. I was not here. Mrs. Pollack who cared for him wasn’t here.