I can see it all so clearly. His fever . his difficulty in breathing and Nanny Benson snoring in the next room and the delectable Louie cavorting in the Devil’s Cave. “
“I was anxious about the child.”
“When have you ever cared for him?”
“I did care for him. I just didn’t fuss over him and spoil him as you did.”
“Spoil him! He was not spoilt. He was perfect…” My voice broke.
“All right. He was a good child. He was my heir. I wanted the best for him. That was why ” That was why you took Amelia out in your carriage and arranged for a little spill . oh, not to do any damage to yourself or the carriage . but to be rid of Amelia’s child who had blighted your hopes. “
He had turned very pale and I thought: He did it.
“I’m sorry you think I should be guilty of such a thing,” he said.
“I do think it,” I replied.
“Then you have a very poor opinion of me.”
“The lowest.”
He shook his head wearily.
“Susanna, I am trying to be gentle with you. I know what a shock you have had.”
“You do not. You are incapable of loving anyone as I loved my child . and my father. I have lost them both. I have no one now.”
“Suppose we tried … you and I… We could have another child. You would feel better then. Susanna, let’s start again … Let’s put all this behind us.”
I looked at him with loathing.
I know now that in his way he was stretching out a hand for help. This tragedy had sobered him, but I was too griefstricken to see that then. I could only see my own tragedy and it soothed my grief a little to blame someone entirely and he was the obvious culprit.
He was aware where his addiction was leading him. I know now that by then he wanted me to help him fight that obsession; he wanted to try to get back to that time when we had been happy in the first weeks after our marriage. But I could only think of him as he had been on that terrible night in Venice and the sight of him when I had stumbled into that cave and had seen him with his friends.
I said: “You killed my baby because you didn’t take care of him. If I had taken him with me, he would have been well today. Do you think I would ever have allowed him to die?”
“You have no power over life and death, Susanna. None of us has.”
“We can fight against disaster. I left a healthy child and came back to a dead one. You were revelling with your friends while he was dying. You did not notice that he was ill. You ignored him. You hadn’t time to look after your son. Why did you not send for Dr. Calliber?”
“I tell you I had the best of all doctors on the spot.”
That pornographer . that drug addict! He is a murderer. He murdered my child. “
“You are talking nonsense.”
“He gave him his drugs, didn’t he?”
“He knew what he was doing.”
“I know that what he did resulted in Julian’s death.”
“It was too late to do anything. He said it was too late.”
“Too late! And you did not call Dr. Calliber. Oh, how I hate you and your precious friend. I shall never forget what you have done to my child … and to me.”
“Listen, Susanna. This has been too much of a shock. I understand that. I wanted to meet you at the station, to break it gently.”
“Do you think how it was broken would have made any difference to me!”
“No, of course not. But to come home and find him like that … must have been terrible.”
“How I found him is not relevant. I found him … dead … and that is what I hate you all for. Murderers, all of you! Your drunken nanny, your loose-living friends, you, with your hateful practices and your low living … and most of all that doctor, that so-called doctor. I have read his books. I know him through them. He wants sensation all the time. He is worse than you, for you are weak and he is strong. He hides his wickedness under a guise of benevolence. I hate you all … all your friends … everything to do with you .. but most of all you and him.”
“I’m going to have them send up something for you, and I am going to ask Dr. Calliber to come and see you.”
I laughed bitterly.
“What a pity you were not as careful with your son. Then you might have called Dr. Calliber to see him. Then he could have had the attention of a real doctor.”
I flung myself on my bed while abject misery descended on me.
I cannot remember the passing of the hours. Day slipped into night and it was day again; and there was no relief from my bitterness.
The day they buried my child I moved about as though in a trance. I stared in disbelief at the little coffin which carried the remains of the being who was all the world to me. I could have borne anything if he had been left to me.
The tolling of the bell proclaimed my grief; I did not listen to the words of the parson.
Julian was laid to rest in the St. Clare mausoleum among his ancestors Stephen who had so recently died, and that Harry St. Clare who had made the temple, the cave, and there practised unholy rites.
I was still stunned; a numbing apathy had come to me; and I could think of nothing but that I had lost my child.
We came back to the house. I shut myself in my room and wanted to see no one.
Aubrey sent Dr. Calliber to me. I came alive a little talking to him.
He said he understood my grief, but I must rouse myself or I should be ill.
“You will have more children, Mrs. St. Clare,” he said.
“And, believe me, in time the loss will be less painful.”
I did not want to hear about myself. I wanted to know about Julian.
“It was a virulent attack,” said Dr. Calliber.
“There was little anyone could have done for him.”
“But had you come in time … had it been noticed …”
“Who can say? Mortality among young children is great. It amazes me how so many survive.”
“And when you came, Dr. Calliber?”
“He was already dead.”
Already dead! The words echoed in my mind.
“There was another doctor who saw him… someone staying in the house.”
“Yes, so I heard. I did not see him.”
“If you had been called in time …” I insisted.
“Who knows? And now I am concerned with you. I am going to send you a tonic. I want you to take it regularly, Mrs. St. Clare; and do try to eat. Remember this is not such an infrequent happening.
You will have many more children, I’ll predict, and then the loss of this one will not seem so great. “
When he had gone I sat at my window looking out on the wood, and fierce anger burned in my heart.
They had left him to die. That doctor was the one who saw him, not reasonable Dr. Calliber but the Devil Doctor. I was sure he had given my precious child one of his experimental drugs and it had killed him.
One day I would have my revenge on him.
The thought of revenge was, in an odd way, soothing. It took my mind away from that pale quiet face in the coffin, from the memory of my merry little boy, from the tolling belclass="underline" and there seemed to be a purpose in living.
What if I confronted the wicked doctor? What if I told him what I thought of him, what if I accused him of murdering my baby with his poisonous drugs . and of ruining my husband?
I do not think I had very much feeling for Aubrey now, except revulsion; but in a strange way I was sorry for him. There were occasions when he seemed to look out from his sophisticated exterior and ask for help. It was perhaps just a fancy. He had gone too far along the road to destruction to turn back. But he did know it and there might have been occasions when he looked back to what he might have been.
The doctor who had killed my child had made Aubrey what he was.