I explained that I had met her on only two occasions when she had come to my house. I had known nothing about her feelings. She had just asked that she might stay in my house while she made up her mind. I could not persuade her one way or another.
And then, finally, they seemed to have decided that all hope of bringing Henrietta to her senses, as they called it, was futile, and they must accept the inevitable. They wished Henrietta to return to them. Henrietta declined; and by that time she had become part of our household and we were all very pleased about it.
For more than two months Henrietta’s affairs dominated our lives; and when the storm finally died down, I found I was another step away from my overwhelming grief and was beginning to take a greater interest in life.
Lily Craddock’s affairs were next to demand our attention. I had noticed a change in her. She went out more frequently; she had always been an outstandingly pretty girl, but now she was radiantly so.
It was not long before Jane and Polly prised the secret from her.
Lily often called at her favourite haberdasher’s where she said she found the best lace trimmings and coloured silks in London, and she was on fairly good terms with the owners a Mr. and Mrs. Clift. A few weeks previously she had been in the shop when a handsome soldier had come from the parlour while Mrs. Clift was serving Lily. She had said:
“Oh, William, you must meet Miss Craddock. She’s one of our best customers.”
“It seemed,” said Jane, recounting this to me, ‘they took to each other and that was it. What you might call love at first sight. “
“So,” I said, ‘this is the reason for the change in Lily. “
“Lily is, in a manner of speaking, courting,” added Polly.
We were all very excited about this turn in Lily’s fortunes, particularly when it seemed that William Clift was serious in his intentions.
Lily was asked to tea in the Clift establishment and she came back in a daze of happiness. I said she must ask William to tea with her, and there was a good deal of preparation and bustle in the kitchen. Jane made a cake and Lily made new collar and cuffs for her best gown.
Henrietta thought that we should all be present and that the tea-party should take place in the drawing-room. But Jane firmly put her foot down. What sort of place would the Clifts think this was with servants taking tea with the mistress in the drawing-room?
No! Jane knew how these things should be done. There should be tea in the kitchen which was the right place for it and then Henrietta and I should come down after they had all eaten and we should be introduced to William in the proper manner.
Everything went according to plan. Henrietta and I went down at the appropriate time and were formally introduced.
William was a good-looking young man and his manly bearing was enhanced by his uniform. He told me that he hoped to leave the army when he married and settle down in the shop, which was now becoming more prosperous than it had been when he enlisted. He thought he and Lily would live there with his parents when they were married.
It sounded ideal and I was delighted for Lily.
After William had left she came to me and told me rather tearfully how much she appreciated what I had done for her.
She said: “The luckiest day of my life was when I walked under your carriage. When I think it might have been someone else’s carriage I go cold with fear.”
That was one of the nicest compliments I could receive but I felt I didn’t deserve it. I had really done very little. I was so much better than I had been. Involvement in the affairs of those around me had taken me away from my troubles.
Henrietta was now settled in. She was part of the household and she told me that she felt so different, so happy and alive.
“Compared with what you have been used to, this must be a very humble existence,” I said.
She did not deny it. She said thoughtfully: “But here I have something I never had before. Freedom! Do you know, I am beginning to believe that that is the most desirable thing in the world. Here I think my own thoughts. I don’t believe what has been put into my mind is gospel truth. I make my own decisions. How glad I am that I did not marry Tom Carlton. I should now be his wife. Think of that.”
“So rich. So highly cherished in society,” I reminded her.
“My birthright sold for a mess of pottage.”
I laughed at her. I understood what she meant. She talked a great deal about her childhood, her coming out, her mission in life, as she called it: “To find a rich husband and save the family fortunes. Now I am free. I shall marry whom I like or no one at all … if that is what I want. I go where I want to. I do what I want to. Glorious freedom.”
I found I was confiding in her. I told her a little of my married life, which culminated in the death of my son.
“I want more than anything to forget. I want to make something else so important in my life that I do not constantly look back. I want to put the past behind me. I want to forget disappointment disillusion and grief.
Henrietta, I want to nurse the sick, bringing them back to health. “
She looked at me in horror.
“Do you mean become a nurse?”
“Yes, I think I do.” I spread my hands and looked at them.
“I think I have a talent for it. My hands have a healing touch. It’s almost mystic, but it has been apparent once or twice.”
She took them and looked at them.
“They are beautifully shaped. They should be adorned with fine emeralds, diamonds and such gems.”
“No,” I said, withdrawing them, ‘they should be doing useful things.”
“Anna, seriously, you could not be a nurse. You saw what they were like when you went to get Lily.”
“But I want to change all that. I want to make it different.”
“Miss Nightingale is trying to do just that. I was always hearing about her before I ran away. She, like you, is appalled by all that misery in the hospitals. Of course, they all think it is very unfeminine of her. Her people don’t like it at all. They’ve done everything they can to stop her.” She smiled.
“But no one can stop a woman like her from doing what she has really made up her mind to.”
“I am making up my mind, Henrietta. Oh, my thoughts are jumbled and I dream a lot. And there is one figure which haunts my dreams. It is a man … an evil man. His name is Damien. He has lived a strange life.
He has gone native in remote places of the world. “
“Did he write a book?”
“Yes.”
“The one I am thinking of is a great doctor … some sort of pioneer.”
“Posing as one, I believe. I want to find him. There is much I want to know about him. I believe he is responsible for my husband’s deterioration … for my son’s death.”
“How?”
“He is interested in drugs … opium … laudanum … and strange ones which are to be found in the East. He experiments with them. Perhaps even on himself in moderation … but he gets other people to take them so that he can see the effect. He ruins lives so that he can make great discoveries and enhance his reputation. Have you ever heard of Madame de Brinvilliers, the poisoner?”
“Vaguely. Didn’t she try out her poisons on people in hospitals?”
“Yes. Well, I class him with her. They are of a kind.”
“But she was a wicked woman. She poisoned people for their money, I believe.”
“He is a wicked man. He poisons people in the name of science so that he can tell the world of his great discoveries. He is even worse because he is a hypocrite.”
“I should have thought she was that going round the hospitals as a benefactress to the poor patients and testing out her poisons on them.”