“I think we all feel like that.”
“I want a future to look forward to a quiet practice somewhere… perhaps in the country. Or if you would prefer, London.”
“I?”
“I want you to share it with me, Anna.”
“Am I hearing you correctly?”
“I think so.”
“Then this is a proposal of marriage?”
“It is just that.”
“But Charles … I thought…”
“What did you think?”
“I knew you liked me, but I thought it was Henrietta in whom you were interested … I mean in that way.”
“Of course I like Henrietta, but it is you whom I love.”
“I am just astonished.”
“My dearest Anna, of course I love you. I love your strength and your seriousness, your dedication. I love everything about you. If you promised to marry me as soon as we are free of all this, it would give me a great deal to look forward to, to plan …”
He had taken my hands and was looking earnestly into my eyes.
“Oh Charles,” I said, “I am so sorry. I was so … unprepared for this. I know that sounds like the cry of the bashful maiden, but I really am. I had no idea. I was certain that it was Henrietta.”
“Well, now you know it is not, what do you say?”
I was silent. I thought of the country practice, a new life, a new home, the village green, the ancient church with the yews which would have stood there for hundreds of years, dew on the grass, the lovely smell of damp earth, the gentle rain, daisies and buttercups and I felt a great yearning for it all.
He was watching me eagerly.
“Charles,” I said, ‘there is a great deal you don’t know about me. “
“It’s going to be exciting learning about each other.”
“We are here … in this place,” I reminded him, ‘and things are not natural here. You might make decisions which you regret afterwards.”
“I don’t think I shall regret this.”
“As I said, you don’t know me.”
“I know you well. Didn’t I see you at Kaiserwald? And here? I know your sterling character, your honesty, your goodness, your compassion.
I have seen you give yourself wholeheartedly to the sick. “
“You have seen a nurse, that’s all. I’m a good one, yes. It would be false modesty to deny it. But that is one part of me. I can’t think about marriage. I am not ready.”
“I understand that I have sprung this on you. Think about it. I love you, Anna, We could make a good thing of it. Our interests are so closely woven together.”
“There is something I must tell you, Charles. I’ve been married before.”
“Anna!”
“And I had a child.”
“Where is your husband?”
“He is dead.”
“I see. And the child?”
“He died, too. It became an unhappy marriage. My husband was addicted to drugs which in the end killed him. My child died when he was not quite two years old.”
The tears pricked my eyes. He saw them and put his arm about me.
“My poor Anna,” he said.
“I have not yet grown away from it,” I told him.
“I understand.”
“I took my maiden name and started out again as a single woman. I felt that was best. I could not bear to talk of my marriage and the death of my child, but I tell you because it will help you understand why I cannot think of marrying anyone.”
“You will… in time.”
“I don’t know. It seems so recent. I don’t think I shall ever recover from the death of my child.”
“There is one way to recover from such a tragedy,” he said, ‘and that is to have another child. “
I was silent.
“Anna,” he went on, ‘don’t say no yet. Just think about it. Think what it would mean. It would be something for us to plan for when we get out of this . hell. It can’t last, I know. The end is in sight.
You and I, and the children we shall have. This is the best way to lay the ghost of the past. You can’t go on grieving. “
He kissed my hands and I felt a great affection for him. I knew he was a good man and he would make me see a way out of my unhappiness. It was a different way from that of revenge which I had followed so far.
I saw myself on that country lawn, the doctor’s wife, with her family growing up around her, her children who might look a little like Julian children whom I would love and cherish . children who would soothe that aching void which had never left me since I had lost him.
I was suddenly aware of the passing of time. One always felt guilty when one snatched moments from hours of duty.
“I must go,” I said.
“Think about it,” Charles insisted.
I shook my head, but I knew I should.
He kissed me gently.
“Anna,” he said.
“I love you.”
I did not tell Henrietta of Charles’s proposal. I could not bring myself to speak of it. I felt she would urge me to accept him. She liked him very much and she had said she thought he was a good doctor and a good man. There were times when I thought marriage to him would be the best thing for me. Was I going to spend the whole of my life as a lonely woman? True, I wished to nurse in one of the new hospitals which Miss Nightingale would attempt to set up in England on our return, but was that enough for me? I had experienced motherhood, and my overwhelming love for my child had taught me that I should feel my life was wasted if I did not have children.
Like so many people, I had an admiration for Florence Nightingale which was near idolatry. There was something about her indomitable spirit, her single-minded dedication, her quiet, almost ruthless efficiency which had impressed even those men who had in the beginning been most sceptical about her endeavours. She had turned her back on marriage and motherhood for a cause; but she had never experienced the joy of holding her child in her arms. I had; and that had convinced me that nothing else could ever take the place of that joy with me.
Here was a new path for me. I could marry Charles. I could be a wife and mother. I could turn my back on the past. I could forget those futile longings for revenge. The new prospect opening for me made me see them for what they really were. Childish anger. Little children tried to soothe their hurt by turning on some inanimate object. Aubrey had been weak; he had been easily led; a strong man would never have succumbed to drugs as he had. I had blamed Dr. Adair for his downfall and he was in part responsible but people’s fate was in their own hands.
And while I thought of my Eden in England the country practice, the children round me, I saw the Demon, as I had always called him in my thoughts, laughing at me.
I would forget him, I told myself.
But somehow I knew I never would. He had some devilish quality. He could put a spell on one. I believed he had on Henrietta. Had he on me? “
He had travelled through the East as a native. He had discovered all manner of strange secrets and customs. Perhaps mysterious ones . the occult, even. He was not like other men. One could not judge him by the same standards. What had he been doing in that house in Constantinople dressed in that fashion? What did it mean?
I brought my thoughts back to Charles and his proposal, but I could not get the demon doctor out of my mind.
And one day I came face to face with him.
He was walking the wards in his white coat as though he had never been away. He gave me a curt nod which implied there was nothing unusual in his sudden appearance.
But he was soon making his presence felt. He found signs of inefficiency in the wards. He blamed the nurses. Patients had been neglected, he said. As if he did not know that the poor girls were worn out after hours without rest. And this from the man who would absent himself for a few weeks’ respite when he felt like it!
My anger against him was fierce and I felt more alive than when I had last seen him.