And he couldn't understand why. Obviously he desired her. Bloody hell, what breathing man wouldn't? He'd experienced desire. Lust. Had experienced pleasure with his share of women. Yet as steamy as those encounters had been, they now seemed tepid in comparison to the heat Julianne inspired. Julianne brought out something in him he didn't understand. Something, for the first time in his life, he hadn't been able to control. And wasn't certain he'd have the strength to control in the future. That was very bad-for both of them. It meant he needed to stay far, far away from her and her irresistible allure.
But how could he refuse to protect her? If he did, and something happened to her, he'd never forgive himself. Yet neither could he trust himself. For both their sakes he had to refuse.
"There are other Runners who could-" he began, but the earl cut him off with an impatient flick of his hand.
"From what I hear, you're the best, and I'll have nothing less."
"I appreciate that, but I cannot-"
"I'll make it worth your while financially." The earl named an amount that nearly matched Gideon's yearly Bow Street salary. And therefore raised his suspicions.
"That's a great deal of money," Gideon said.
"It is worth a great deal that my daughter remain safe for the next fortnight."
Gideon's brows rose. "Just the next fortnight? What about after that?"
"Even if the culprit hasn't been apprehended by then, your services will no longer be required beyond that point, as Julianne will no longer be living in London or be my responsibility."
"And why is that?"
"Because she will be married to the Duke of Eastling. And living in Cornwall. And therefore Eastling's responsibility."
Chapter 12
With Caesar keeping pace beside him, Gideon walked along the dark street, his thoughts as gloomy as the shadows that surrounded him. Tendrils of fog rose from the ground, and puddles filled the uneven pavement, soaking his boots. The rain had stopped, but a damp chill infiltrated the still air. His strides ate up the ground, each one taking him farther from the Grosvenor Square mansion he'd departed five minutes ago and closer to Covent Garden. To his own modest home. Where he belonged.
She will be married to the Duke of Eastling.
The words clanged through Gideon's mind as they'd ceaselessly done since the earl had uttered them, like rusty chains hobbling criminals on their way to the gallows. The news had stunned him, and he'd gone perfectly still. On the outside. On the inside, it felt as if everything shifted and tumbled. Crashed and shattered. Then the reverberating words were replaced by an agonized Noooooo!that had screamed through his head.
It had taken him several seconds to recover, and when he had, anger and betrayal stabbed him like daggers in the back. She'd known. Known she was betrothed to another man, yet she'd deliberately set out to entice him. Then a keen sense of self-disgust filled him. He'd done a great many things he wasn't proud of, but by damn, he'd never cuckolded a man. Even if he'd desired the woman and she'd been willing. Even if he'd disliked her husband.
For years he'd been forced to witness the damage and pain that sort betrayal could cause. And he wanted no part of it. How many vicious rows had he listened to while watching the light fade from his mother's eyes after his father came home stinking of some trollop's cheap perfume? More than he wanted to recall. There were bloody few lines he hadn't crossed, but that was one of them. Until she'd deceived him. Not to mention the point of pride and honor that he didn't take things that didn't belong to him. And unbeknownst to him-because she'd deceived him-she belonged to someone else.
Now, on the cold walk home, he passed under a gaslight, the fog shifting eerily in the pale yellow glow, and he heaved out a long sigh. In spite of both the betrayal and self-disgust, an aching, profound sense of loss all but strangled him. Bloody hell, what was wrong with him? Why had the earl's announcement hit him with the force of a blow to the head? He'd seen the parade of suitors tramping through the house. The men who flocked to her at parties. It certainly wasn't as if he ever could have thrown his name on the silver platter bearing those of her countless admirers.
Still, the news of her imminent marriage had caught him off guard. And he didn't like being caught off guard.
She will be married to the Duke of Eastling…
Unreasonable, white-hot jealousy ripped through him with a viciousness that wouldn't allow him to deny what it was. Bloody hell, the thought of that bastard putting his hands on Julianne, taking her without a care to her pleasure as he had Lady Daltry at last night's soiree, made him want to break things. Most specifically, that bastard's face.
Fancy gowns and parties are not important to me. Not nearly as much as other things. Love. Laughter. Companionship. Desire. Romance. Passion. They are what I long for.
In his mind's eye he saw her saying those words, the despair and vulnerability and yearning reflected in her expressive eyes. He clenched his teeth so hard he was surprised they didn't crumble to dust. She sure as hell wouldn't get all those things from a cold bastard like the duke.
The only time I've ever felt free of that glass coffin is when you kissed me.
Damn it, the taste of her still lingered on his tongue. In spite of the chill, dank air, he could still smell her. Feel her curves against him, and her warmth surrounding him. It was as if she were tattooed on his senses.
How the hell was he ever going to forget her?
Especially now that he'd agreed to protect her?
He dragged his cold hands down his face and released a pent-up breath that fogged the air. God knows he hadn't wanted to agree. Had wanted to tell her arrogant father that Gideon Mayne couldn't be bought. And he hadn't been bought-by the money. That he could have walked away from. But as much as he cursed himself for it, he couldn't walk away from Julianne when she was in danger. He would find the bastard threatening her and stop him. He'd do his job.
And then he'd walk away from her.
She'd marry the duke and move to Cornwall.
And that would be that.
All he needed to do was make sure he kept his damn hands and his damn mouth off her.
But now that he knew she belonged to someone else-that her betrothal wasn't simply something nebulous that would happen someday-his tarnished honor demanded there be no further intimacies between them. All he needed to do was hold on to that sense of anger and betrayal he'd felt upon hearing the news, the realization that she'd deceived him, and he'd succeed. Surely he could do that.
Wouldn't have mattered if you'd known, his inner voice taunted. The evening would have ended the same way. With you lifting her skirts.
His hands tightened into fists, and he shook his head to dislodge the insidious voice. No. He would have found the strength to resist her had he known.
You wanted her more than you wanted your next breath.
True. But the knowledge that she was betrothed would have cooled his ardor.
Wouldn't it?
Yes!his tarnished honor roared. Absolutely yes.
He turned off the main road onto a narrower cobbled street. Almost home. Where he'd climb into bed and get some much-needed rest.
You won't rest, you idiot. You'll lie awake and stare at the ceiling and remember what it felt like to kiss her. To bury your face between her soft thighs.