"Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish's wife?" I blurted in shock.
"Yep," Gavin replied. "That big, mean fish ated her."
He said it so calmly - like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn't be appropriate for kids. I didn't think it was appropriate for me.
"Are you sure this is a kid's movie?" I asked Claire.
She laughed and just shook her head at me.
An hour later Gavin was asleep with his head on my lap and Claire was leaning in the opposite direction from me, her elbow on the arm of the couch and her head in her hand.
If I had to listen to Nemo calling for "Daddy" one more time, I was going to blubber like a baby. I snatched up the remote and turned the movie off.
Claire lifted her head off of her hand and gave me a questioning look.
"We need to put another movie in. This is too depressing. They killed off the poor fish's wife in the first five minutes and then we have to spend the rest of the movie watching that same, poor sap search for his son who ran away. What kind of sick fucks made this into a kid's movie?" I whispered angrily, trying not to wake Gavin up.
"Welcome to the Disney/Pixar School of Hard Knocks," she said dryly.
I laughed at her comparison.
"Oh come on. There's no way they're all like this. I do not remember being horrified by a children's movie when I was little."
"That's because you were a child. You didn't understand what was happening at the time, just like Gavin doesn't really understand. I think they make these kids movies more for adults anyway," she explained.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Sorry, but I remember all of the great Disney classics and there is no way you can find anything nightmare-inducing in any of them."
She raised her eyebrow at me in a challenge.
"Okay fine. Bambi," I said.
She just laughed.
"Oh please! That's the easiest one. Bambi’s dad headed for the hills as soon as the stick turned pink. His mom was a single deer, living in low-rent housing in the crack-whore part of the forest where there are gangs of bunnies. His mom gets killed in a drive-by shooting, leaving Bambi alone and forced to grow up much too soon."
Damn. I forgot about that. It had been a while since I watched Bambi.
"Okay, fine. How about the Little Mermaid? Beautiful sea creature falls in love with the handsome prince."
Shut up. I had little cousins. And Ariel was hot. Men could spend hours looking at a hot mermaid and wonder just how in the hell he could stick it in her.
But seriously, how do mermaids bang?
Claire nodded her head, "Oh yes. Sweet Ariel who has to give up everything, including her identity, for a man. God forbid Prince Eric grows some gills. Nope, Ariel has to give up her friends, her family, her home and her entire life for him. Eric just takes and takes and never gives."
I racked my brain trying to think of another classic kid's movie and continued to contemplate the process of fucking a mermaid. Maybe you could just bend a mermaid over a chair and your dick magically finds the hold in the one-legged fin thing.
"Fine, then how about Beauty and the Beast? The most beautiful girl in all the land falls for the beast's personality instead of his looks. You can't find anything wrong with that. Plus, it teaches a great lesson."
I gave her a smug grin.
Maybe there was a magic button that made a mermaid's legs separate long enough to bang her. Ooooooh, like a magic nipple! Push the nipple and watch her spread.
"Wrong," she replied. "A pretty girl with no money falls for a rich, abusive monster. But she loves him so much that she makes excuses for the abuse. ‘Oh that bruise? I tripped down a flight of stairs.’"
She angled her body to face me.
"I could go on all day with these, believe me," she said. "You also can't forget the awesomeness that is the penis drawn on the original Little Mermaid VHS box cover and the whisper of, "Kids, take off your clothes," in Aladdin."
I looked at her in horror.
And I'm not gonna lie, I glanced down to her boobs and wondered what it would be like if she had a magic nipple. That would be some Nobel Peace Prize shit right there.
"From now on, Gavin only watches wholesome movies like "Anchorman" and "The Seed of Chucky," I told her. “And you're dressing up as Ariel for Halloween this year."
Claire just rolled her eyes at me, reached over to scoop Gavin off of my lap and then disappeared down the hall. A few minutes later, she was back and I watched her walk across the room to me. She straddled my lap and my hands went right to her hips to hold her in place while she slid her hands around my neck and tangled them in my hair.
"He should be out for a little while. Wanna mess around?" she asked with a giggle.
"Can I touch your boobs?" I asked hopefully.
It wasn't like I'd tell her no if she wouldn't let me play with the twins, but it was always good to set the ground rules ahead of time so there weren't any awkward foul plays.
She laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth.
"Yes, there will most definitely be boob touching," she said against my lips. "I'm not wearing a bra."
Easier access to the magic nipple.
"Sweet!" I cheered.
I swallowed her laugh with a kiss, taking my time while I explored every inch of her mouth. I had been in a state of semi-hardness since she walked in the room. Listening to her soft moans while I kissed her was enough to send me right into boner territory. My hands rubbed her ass and pulled her down so she nestled right onto my hard length that strained through my jeans. She slid her hips back and forth over me and I ran my hands up under the back of her shirt so I could feel here bare skin. My finger tips skimmed her spine all the way up and then back down, slowly, until I felt goose bumps break out over her skin.
Our tongues swirled together while I wrapped both of my arms around her body, underneath her shirt, so I could pull her right up against my chest. Her hips continued to move against me, and I felt like a teenager again, dry-humping on my parent's couch in the basement.
Except this time, Abby Miller’s braces wouldn't get stuck in my hair when she tried unsuccessfully to lick my ear lobe. And by lick, I meant drooled a gallon of spit in there until it sounded like I was swimming under water.
I slid my hands around to Claire’s sides and up the front of her body. My palms moved in circles around her breasts, and I felt her nipples harden beneath my hands. She pushed herself down harder on my dick and it made us both let out a gasp. Fuck, I wanted to be inside of her but it wasn't something we could do out here on the couch with a four-year-old down the hall.
Her hands retracted from the hair on the back of my head and she pushed them up under her shirt until they rested on top of my own. She squeezed my hands and helped me put more pressure on the soft flesh that I would give my left nut to put my mouth on right now.
Okay, maybe not my left nut.
Or the right one for that matter.
Shit, forget the nuts. I just really, really wanted to lick her boobs.
The kiss deepened as we worked together, cupping and stroking her breasts. Her thighs squeezed my hips tightly and she whimpered into my mouth as she ground herself harder against me. Making Claire have an orgasm every single day was my new mission in life. The sounds she made and the way she moved against me were heaven, but I needed to touch her. I needed to feel how much she wanted this.
Just as I had that thought, she pushed my hand off of one breast and down the front of her body until both of our hands slid under the waistband of her yoga pants.