“Yeah?” Levi arched a brow as he dug into his omelet. “The couple of times I’ve met her she seemed pretty together. I mean, she’s quiet, sort of reserved, but also very in control.”
“Most of the time that’s true,” agreed Ben. “But at other times it doesn’t take much to set her off. She’s got these insecurities – I blame her overbearing parents for most of that – and she can also get real jealous. Not that I’ve ever given her cause to be.”
“Ouch.” Levi winced. “I don’t envy you either of those problems, man. I had a girlfriend just after college with those sort of issues. Cute girl, lots of fun, dynamite in the sack. Turns out she was this nutjob stalker, already had three different restraining orders from previous boyfriends. Fortunately I was already planning to leave town, so when she started going apeshit, I blocked her from my phone and email and got the hell out of Dodge.”
“Elle’s not like that,” reassured Ben. “She’s just – well, she just gets a little emotional every so often. And I can’t help feeling responsible for her, you know?”
“You sure you haven’t given her cause to be jealous?” drawled Levi, as he slathered an English muffin half with grape jelly. “I mean, the whole time I knew you in New Mexico you didn’t even look at a chick, much less bang one – at least not that I know about. And you’re about as far from being an asshole as anyone I’ve ever met, so I can’t imagine that you’d - ”
“I’ve never cheated on Elle,” Ben stated firmly. “I may not be in love with her, but I wouldn’t do something like that to any woman. Not like our old friend Joey.”
Levi shuddered at the mention of their former roommate. “God, he was such a slut, wasn’t he? A different chick every week, usually juggling two or three at a time. I still have no idea how he kept them from finding out about each other. Nah, you’re nothing like old Joey the Gigolo, buddy. I mean, look at how long you were hung up on California Girl. Took you years to get over her.”
‘But have I really done that?’ Ben asked himself as he dug into his huevos rancheros. ‘I mean, I’m living with Elle, trying to work on my relationship with her, but deep down I’m still hung up on Lauren. And thanks to my stupidity, the possibility of ever being with her again is truly dead and buried.’
A dozen times or more now he had deeply regretted his response to her poignantly asked question that day in his office – when she had looked at him with a myriad of emotions playing over her expressive face and asked if he would end things with Elle should she accept his explanation. Her question had shocked him, caught him off guard, and he’d responded almost without thinking, certainly without thinking it through. And it had been at that moment when he had lost her – again.
Lauren had begun to withdraw more and more as the weeks passed, rarely speaking to him directly, and never about anything personal. When he had asked her a direct question, her reply had always been short and to the point, almost as if she was trying to use the bare minimum of words.
The rest of the crew had noticed her decidedly chilly attitude, and both Karl and George had asked him what was going on, admitting they weren’t brave enough to ask Lauren directly. But Ben had put them off, insisting that Lauren was still pissed about not being able to go to Brazil, and joking that no one held a grudge quite like she did.
George had accepted his explanation easily – as he so often did – but Karl had given him an odd look, and Ben knew he still had his doubts. Karl was, after all, closer to Lauren than anyone else in the office, but Ben doubted that she had ever confided anything to the writer about their past relationship.
Yes, he still regretted his hastily made decision back in September, and the fact that he’d destroyed not just any second chance he might have had at one day having Lauren again, but he had also done irreparable damage to their already tenuous working relationship. It had created a very uncomfortable atmosphere in the office over the past few months.
And yet, what could he have done or said differently? As Levi had just said, Ben had always prided himself on not being an asshole with the relatively few women who had been in his life. He had always been honest and upfront with them, except on two occasions – both of which were related to each other. He had admittedly wronged Lauren by leaving her without a word five and a half years ago, even though it had been the right thing to do under the circumstances. And he had yet to admit to Elle that he and Lauren had once been involved, still too worried that her raging jealousy – especially where Lauren was concerned – and emotional fragility would send her spiraling out of control.
He knew without having asked that there had been some sort of confrontation between the two women at the magazine’s holiday party. When Lauren had offered to go searching for the absent Elle, she’d been happy and smiling, her green eyes still glowing with pleasure after the dance they had shared. But when she had stormed back to the table a few minutes later, those same eyes had been spitting fire, her cheeks flushed with angry color, and Carlo had been left scrambling to dash after her as she made her way out of the banquet room.
Elle had returned to the table a few minutes after that, looking composed and serene, but it had also been obvious to Ben that she was struggling to hold it together. Half a dozen times he had started to ask her what was wrong, or if she and Lauren had argued, but each time had thought better of the idea. He had figured that if either woman had something to say to him that they would do so without his prompting.
But neither of them had ever broached the subject. Elle had acted as though nothing was wrong, and he had no desire to fan the flames of her jealousy by voluntarily mentioning Lauren. And as for Lauren – well, whatever had transpired between her and Elle it had been bad enough for her to treat him even more coldly, and speak to him as infrequently as possible.
No, in hindsight, he couldn’t have handled that conversation last September any differently. Not unless he’d wanted to become an asshole like old Joey, who’d used and discarded women like a pack of disposable razors. And as much as he still loved Lauren, he couldn’t in all good conscience have impulsively decided to drop Elle on the spot. He owed her both respect and decency, especially given how much she had done for him both personally and professionally.
But what he could have done – should have done – was to couch his reply to Lauren differently. Told her right off the bat that he still cared about her, but that he also cared about Elle and wanted to let her down gently, gradually, to bring their relationship to a close with dignity.
Instead, he’d said the first thing that had come to mind, had been honest because, no, he really couldn’t have ended things with Elle just like that. And, of course, Lauren – being the impulsive, over reactive wild child that she was – hadn’t been able to hide the hurt she’d felt at his refusal, and had dashed out of his office before giving him a chance to clarify his words.
And now the grudge she held against him felt more like a vendetta, and he was walking a very fine line in her presence these days, all too aware of the hostility and resentment she felt towards him. Between Lauren’s temper and Elle’s high strung fragility, he often felt trapped between a rock and a hard place.
Ben focused his attention on the plate in front of him, even though he wasn’t all that hungry. Levi had called him out of the blue a few days ago, announcing that he was going to be in New York for a conference, and they had arranged to meet for breakfast here at Norma’s in the Le Parker Meridian Hotel. Levi was one of the very few people that Ben actually thought of as a friend, and had kept in regular contact with him after leaving New Mexico. Levi still worked for Outdoor Magazine as a features writer, and had been the first person to befriend Ben when he’d starting working there. He had even found Ben a place to live, telling him about the empty room in the house he shared with two other guys. Levi was a fun-loving daredevil who was always up for a wild adventure – small wonder considering his specialty was writing articles about extreme sports. He’d talked Ben into some admittedly crazy things – rock climbing on fixed ropes, rappelling down steep canyons, hang gliding, wilderness camping. There was no challenge or adventure that Levi wouldn’t try at least once, and in that regard he’d made Ben think of Lauren and her own brand of fearlessness.