Ben wondered wildly how much shittier this day could possibly get, and ran a hand wearily through his hair. “Yes,” he told her quietly. “Lauren was the one. She’s the woman I told you about, the one I fell in love with.”
Elle was shoving her hands into her hair, pulling strands out haphazardly from its previously tidy knot. “I knew it,” she mumbled, as though to herself. “I knew there was something going on between the pair of you. And both of you lied to my face. You and that bitch.”
Ben’s jaw clenched in annoyance. “When did you speak to Lauren about this? And should I assume you were the one to tell her that we were as good as engaged?”
Elle’s bottom lip trembled as she raised teary eyes to his. “We should be engaged,” she murmured. “We’ve been together long enough, it’s the next logical step in our relationship.”
“Except that I don’t feel the same way, Elle,” he reminded her gently. “I’ve always been honest with you about my feelings, have offered time and again to move out, let you get on with your life, and find someone who can love you the way you deserve. I was never going to be that man, and you know it.”
“Because of her!” she burst out. “You couldn’t let yourself love me because you were still in love with that awful woman! And I don’t believe either of you, Ben. I knew, just knew, that you were sleeping with her for months now, maybe ever since you saw her again.”
“I haven’t,” he denied tiredly. “There was one time – just one – when we kissed. But that’s as far as it went.” He didn’t add that the kiss would, in fact, have gone a whole lot further if Lauren’s queasy stomach hadn’t provided a timely interruption.
Elle shook her head. “I still don’t believe you. If there wasn’t anything going on between you, then why didn’t you tell me you’d known her before? I gave you plenty of opportunities, Ben.”
He sighed. “I know you did. And believe me, I thought about telling you many times. But then you’d get upset when a waitress or a store clerk smiled at me, would become hysterical even. And I couldn’t even imagine how you’d react if I told you about Lauren. But I can see now that I was wrong. Regardless of how upset you might have been, I should have told you about her a long time ago, and for that I apologize. I was just trying to protect you, to spare your feelings.”
“Spare my feelings?” Elle spat out. “Well, if you were so intent on doing that, then why in hell did you keep all these photos of her on your computer? And – oh, God – the ones in the bottom rows. They’re more recent ones, aren’t they? This one here – it was just taken in December at the office party.”
Ben was almost ready to collapse with fatigue by now, too wrung out to have this particular conversation with Elle. But he knew there was no hope for it now, that there was absolutely no way she’d let it go until she had the answers she sought.
“Yes, some are recent,” he acknowledged reluctantly. “Which brings up another point entirely. Why are you even looking at my computer, Elle? Especially since you’re the one who insisted we always respect each other’s privacy and leave the other’s computers alone. And I know I didn’t leave this on this morning. I haven’t even used this computer for almost two weeks.”
Elle had the good graces to look guilty, and she avoided his gaze as she mumbled an excuse. “I was looking for the photos you took in Spain,” she explained sullenly. “I was telling Antonia all about our trip, and since they’re thinking of vacationing there next spring I promised I’d send her our pictures. And I knew you kept all your photos stored on this computer and didn’t think you would mind. But instead of pictures of our lovely vacation, I find this – this pornography.”
Ben shook his head. “Christ sakes, Elle. By no stretch of the imagination are these photos pornographic.”
“Really? What would you call this then?” she demanded, enlarging a photo of Lauren as she lay sleeping, her lush little body completely nude.
His anger and irritation were beginning to reach the boiling point as he snatched the mouse away from her and abruptly powered down his computer. “I’d call it a gross invasion of my privacy and none of your business,” he bit out. “You had no right to go searching through my files that way, Elle. And I know you would have had to dig deep, since that particular file was very intentionally given an obscure name. There was no possible way you could have thought our pictures from Spain were contained there. By the way, I haven’t had the chance to even upload them from my camera yet. You were snooping, quite obviously, something you’ve made a huge deal out of not doing ever since I moved in. Or are the rules different for me?”
“Maybe I should have snooped a long time ago,” she retorted. “At least then I would have known the truth.”
He exhaled deeply. “If I had thought for one minute that you’d be able to understand and accept the truth – that you could trust me – I would have told you everything. But you’ve got to admit, Elle, that your reactions in the past haven’t exactly been rational.”
“And apparently I had good cause to react that way!” she cried. “Tell me, Ben. Is she the reason you’ve been avoiding me these last few weeks? Why you’re still sleeping here in your own room?”
He thrust a hand through his hair in abject frustration. “Should I remind you that – once again – it’s been because of your rules that we haven’t shared a room for so long? Because of your parents who’ve been our unofficial roommates for so many weeks? And, yes, I know they’ve been gone for awhile now and that I’ve been spending more time at the office lately. But that has nothing to do with Lauren. It has to do with us. It’s been my way of gradually bringing things to a close, Elle.”
Her skin paled even more noticeably, her mouth hanging open in shock as she shook her head in emphatic denial. “No. You don’t mean that, Ben. How can you even think of breaking up with me? I love you, Ben,” she pleaded tearfully. “I’ve loved you from the start. And I’d do anything to keep you with me.”
He scoffed. “Including spying on me? Breaking your own rule to go searching through my files? But that isn’t even the point right now, Elle. The point is that I should have never moved in here with you, should have never become involved with you. I’ve tried to be honest with you about my feelings, but I can see that hasn’t made any difference. And I wanted to do this slowly, to talk about it with you calmly, and for both of us to agree that it’s better to go our separate ways. This is not the way I wanted all of this to unfold. But, unfortunately, there’s not much else I can say right now except – I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, Elle. I never have. You’ve been a good friend to me, but that’s all it’s ever really been for me. And it’s over now, well and truly over.”
He couldn’t talk about it for even one more minute, badly needed some time to decompress from the hellish day he’d had, and he turned and marched into his bathroom to take a shower. He needed to grab whatever sleep he could manage before his early morning flight, and hoped like hell that Elle wouldn’t insist on continuing with this scene tonight. He quickly toweled off, pulled on a pair of track pants and a T-shirt, and walked into his bedroom – only to find Elle there staring in shock at the duffel bag he’d left on top of his bed.
“You’re leaving already?” she said brokenly, her eyes swimming with tears. “You – you’ve already packed?”
“No. I mean, it’s not what you think,” he clarified. “Yes, I’ve got a bag packed but it’s only for a quick trip to London. My flight leaves in the morning, and I’ll be back in a couple of days.”