Just. Like. My. Dad.
The man that was supposed to protect me but had thrown my life away for drugs. He hadn’t fed me because doing drugs and selling them had been more important. He’d gotten himself locked up because his lifestyle was more important than me.
I was the most fucking stupid person on this planet. No wonder he hadn’t told me all of his past. I stood, causing his mother to look up at me. I somehow forced a smile on my face. “Bathroom.” She nodded and moved her legs so I could pass. I felt Johnny turn to look at me, but I couldn’t look back at him.
I had no idea how I made it out of the room, but I took off running once the doors shut behind me. He was a fucking monster. Don’t think about all that you told him. Don’t think about the ways he got to you. Don’t think, Bex. Run. Just run away and remember. Never do this again.
I saw a bathroom at the end of the hallway and burst through the door, barely making it into the stall before I lost everything I’d eaten in the last day. My hands shook as I held my hair back, throwing up and gagging way beyond there being anything left in my stomach.
Tears leaked from my eyes. I told myself it was from throwing up but I knew that was a lie. I’d felt something for him without even knowing who he really was. I’d been duped. Betrayed.
“Get a fucking grip,” I said, wiping the evidence from my eyes. “The hell if you’ll let someone else have power over your feelings. Grow the fuck up, Bex. This isn’t your first rodeo.”
I flung the stall door open so hard it slammed back loudly. I washed my hands and rinsed out my mouth. Looking at myself in the mirror, I set my jaw at my reflection. “Let this be a lesson,” I said to myself. “This is what happens when you get involved, Bex. You learned a long time ago not to let anyone close to you. You’ll never have a life like everyone else. Now stop being a pussy and walk out of here with your head held high. Forget that you ever met a fucker named Johnny who turned out to be a drug dealer.”
Satisfied, I slid on my sunglasses and walked out of the courthouse, shoving Johnny in the box in my head along with my dad, the fucker that had raped me, and the pain from losing Gibson. I had to fucking lose that key so I stopped adding more shit to it.
“Bex? Do you want to talk about it?”
We were hours outside of Denver, heading to California for the next week. I was glad we were going to stop traveling so much and be able to just do short jaunts to our shows. I’d never been to California either so I was looking forward to seeing it.
But right now I wanted Natalie to leave me the hell alone. “If I wanted to fucking talk to you, I would.”
Beau sighed from across the table. “Stop being a bitch, Bex.”
“Fuck you,” I spat. “I am a bitch. This isn’t new.” At my outburst, Tanner and Ryver headed back for their bunks. They were fucking smart. My two bozo friends in front of me weren’t taking the hint.
“What happened with Johnny, Bex? Things were perfect and now he isn’t here. What’s going on?” Natalie wasn’t letting my attitude deter her and that pissed me off.
I picked up my coffee cup on the table and threw it against the opposite wall of the bus. I watched as brown liquid ran down the wall in streams. It didn’t satisfy me though since the cup had only been styrofoam.
“Bexley Bryant,” Natalie said. “Knock it off. If you don’t want to talk, fine. But stop treating us all like we’re your fucking servants. Do I need to remind you that it’s Beau and I that have been there for you more than anyone?”
It wasn’t often Natalie pulled out that card, but when she did I knew she was fed up. Well I was fed up, too. I stood, stomped to my room, and slammed the door so hard I heard things falling in the bathroom.
Flinging myself on the bed, I punched the mattress and screamed into the pillow until my throat was raw. I’d turned off my phone after Johnny’d called it no less than a hundred times. I made a mental note to have Natalie change my number. He’d figured out by now that I’d left him, and I didn’t plan on hearing his voice again. I hoped he had to stay in Denver so I wouldn’t run the risk of seeing him once I was back in Florida.
I wouldn’t think about him. I wouldn’t dream of him touching me, fucking me, telling me he wanted ‘more’, too.
He was dead to me. Just like the sperm donor that called himself my father.
Johnny
“Pull the fucking trigger,” Yoda demanded. “He didn’t do what he was told. He must pay. It’s about time you man up and get some balls and get those pansy hands dirty. Pull. The. Fucking. Trigger.”
My hand shook so hard there was no way I could shoot it even if I wanted to. I’d never even held a gun before now. The guy, an informant known as ‘Snitch’ was crying and begging. The unmistakable stench of urine filled my nostrils. He’d pissed himself. Hell, I wanted to piss myself, too. If I didn’t kill this guy, Yoda would kill me. I knew it. He’d been warning me that this was coming for quite a while.
Tonight was my night.
It was time I proved myself to these fuckers or they were going to get rid of me once and for all. And no one walked out of here alive, so the only way I was getting out was in a body bag.
I hated every second of this fucking life but I sure as shit didn’t want to go like this.
“You have ten seconds, or I take the gun from you and shoot him first, then you. It’s up to you. I’d hate to kill you, but fuck, you know me. I’m not sad over anyone. When your body falls, I’ll have someone who will step over you in two seconds and complete whatever job I ask him to do.”
Stop shaking like a pussy and do it, Johnny, I said to myself. I lifted the gun and put it against Snitch’s temple.
“Do it,” Yoda said.
I thought about my sister, safe and sound at home in Denver, and pulled the trigger.
My eyes flew open, the sound of the gun blasting still echoing in my head. I could almost feel the splatter from the close contact still on my face. It might’ve been years, but it would never leave me.
Leaving me. Like Bex had. I was sitting in my bed in my apartment in Denver instead of on a tour bus with her. I had no idea why. One second she’d been sitting next to my mother in the courtroom and the next she’d been gone. My mom had said she’d gone to the bathroom, but she’d never come back.
The judge had agreed to expunge my record due to the circumstances. Even though there were many things that would never come to light that I’d been forced to do while part of that life, I was essentially a free man. I should feel relieved. Instead I felt alone and confused.
I’d called Bex so many times since I left the courthouse, but she hadn’t answered. I’d rushed back to the arena where the bus was parked to see them gone. No one had seen anyone from the band in hours. They’d gotten on the road hours before schedule.
She’d left me. We’d decided we wanted to be ‘more’ mere days ago, and now she’d disappeared from my life. Had that been her plan all along, to leave me at the courthouse? I’d invited her to the hearing and to meet my family and it was just too much, too fast? You’re a fucking moron, Johnny. This is what happens when you put yourself out there for someone else. Haven’t you learned this yet?
I flung the covers back and stood up, clenching my fists as I paced the room. I hit her name on my phone again. I didn’t even care that it was the middle of the fucking night.
It went right to voicemail again. “Bex,” I said, my teeth clenched. “What the fuck? You leave me in Denver and won’t answer me. Call me back. You owe me that at least.”