“You want to talk about playing games, Johnny?” Her voice was getting louder, but the fuck if I cared. We were getting this out in the open right fucking now. “Let’s talk about what you were in prison for, shall we?”
“Prison?” What the hell did that have to do with us having a baby? She could say all day long it wasn’t mine, but I knew that wasn’t true.
“Let me tell you a story,” she said, her voice dripping with venom. “When I was seven years old, I woke up to men in my house. They used a boom to break in and arrest my dad. Want to know why? Because he not only did drugs instead of feeding me, but he sold drugs to feed his habit. I hadn’t eaten in days. I haven’t seen him since. He’s serving a life sentence in prison for his sins. Meanwhile, his daughter went to live in not one, not two, but ten foster homes, one of which she was raped and got pregnant in. All because drugs were more important than me.”
Understanding dawned on me like the proverbial light bulb moment. That’s why she’d left Denver. We’d never discussed why I’d been in prison or what that part of my past had been like. Even though I’d told her about Jill and about my parents, I’d never shared anything from that part of my life. Then again, she’d never told me why she was taken from her dad or that drugs were a trigger for her. I knew her mom had died when she was born, and that she’d been taken from her dad, but never the reasons behind it.
This is what happened when two fucked up people tried to get to know each other.
“That’s why you left me in Denver,” I said.
“I refuse to live that life,” Bex said back. “I didn’t even know I was living that life before. I was forced into it. When you didn’t tell me what you’d been in prison for and then I found out when we were sitting there, I knew I couldn’t do this with you. I can deal with a lot of shit. Lord knows I’m the farthest from perfect. But selling drugs is non-negotiable for me.”
I took her hand and she let me. “Bex. I promise to explain it all to you. It’s not what you think. I mean, I did sell drugs. Oh, fuck.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I’m not good at this, obviously. There was some terrible shit that happened to me after my parents kicked me out. I thought I was going to live my dream of playing music, but what I was really roped into was a drug trafficking ring. It’s no excuse, I know, but I was forced to do the things I did. I’ve never in my life touched a drug. Hell, I don’t even like smoking. I was a stupid kid that was naive and believed what I was being told. By the time I realized what was happening, they started threatening Julia to keep me there. No one gets out of that life alive, Bex. I tried. I came back home to Julia once, but they wouldn’t let me quit. The things I had to do to keep her safe, to keep myself safe, well, there are some I can never talk about. I was relieved when I got busted. Not that I wanted to be in prison, but it meant an end to the life I thought I’d never escape. I’d lost my first love to drugs and I didn’t want to lose my sister, too. So instead of turning on the rest of the drug ring like the feds wanted me to, I shut up and stayed in prison.
“There are things that happened in prison that made me wish for the drug ring back. But every time I thought I couldn’t live one more second in there, I thought of Julia. She was safe in Denver, living the life she deserved. It wasn’t until a few years ago when my parents negotiated with the police for me to give them the information I knew that I was released for cooperating. They made a huge bust with that information and the rest of the guys were either killed or locked up. So that’s why I’m out, Bex. For all the shit I did, I probably do deserve to be locked up for the rest of my life. But they don’t even need to put me behind the bars because I’ve been in my own self-imposed prison for a very long time. I have no idea who that thug was that came after us today. He knew who I was, but I think someone on the inside must’ve told him just enough information to come after me. I memorized every face I came into contact with in that group, and he wasn’t one of them. He was more than likely a thug paid by someone to come find out what I was up to.”
My story finished, I looked at Bex. “You sacrificed your life for your sister,” she said.
I shrugged. “Well, kind of. I didn’t really see it that way. It was worth it to me.”
“I’m a fucking bitch,” she responded. A short, dry laugh escaped my lips.
“I thought we covered this already,” I teased. She looked down at our joined hands.
“Is this why you don’t play music?”
I nodded. “The last time I played was right before Jill was murdered. She liked me to play for her.” I realized I was talking to Bex about another woman. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “It all makes perfect sense now. The one thing you loved, playing music, was the one thing that got your life all fucked up. I don’t blame you at all for not being able to play anymore.” Bex took a deep breath. “Johnny, I’m so fucked up. I’m sorry for overreacting in Denver and leaving you like that. I was fucking terrified hearing those words out of the judge’s mouth. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I don’t react well to certain triggers, one being drugs. You didn’t know.”
“I think we can both realize that about each other. Our pasts have fucked us up. We are who we are because of them. I’m sorry I never told you about the reason I was in jail. I wasn’t intentionally hiding it from you; I’m just not used to talking about myself to anyone. The things I just told you? Not even Julia knows all of that.”
Shock registered on her face. “I know you didn’t mean to keep it from me,” Bex said. “You had no idea what had happened to me with my dad because I never told you.”
“So moral of this story is, we suck at communicating,” I joked. A small smile played on her lips and I considered that a huge success. “I’m sorry about what happened today.”
“What’s the likelihood there are others out there going to come after you?” Bex’s voice wobbled, and I hated that her eyes were filled with tears. I hadn’t thought of that, and it quickly took the smile off of my face. This was no fucking time for joking. What was my problem? Bex could’ve died today because of me. This was exactly why I never wanted to give the police the information so I could be free, because you never knew just how far the branches of one of these rings reached. I knew I’d never seen that guy before, yet he’d been put away because of me. Was I ever truly going to be safe?
“I don’t know, Bex. I’d like to say he was just a guy carrying out a grudge for someone, but I don’t know that. What I can say is this.” I rubbed my thumb along the soft skin of her hand and looked her straight in the eyes before continuing. “I promise to be completely honest with anything and everything you ask me from here on out. Nothing is off limits. And no matter what, I promise to protect you with my life.”
“None of us have guarantees in life,” she said. “So you can’t control what will happen to us any more than I can.”
“Are you okay? Really okay?”
“Yes,” she said. “I’m a tough bitch. You can knock me down but I get right back up again.”
“Bex,” I said, putting my hands on either side of her face. “You don’t have to be tough with me. I’ve never been more scared in my life than I was today when he walked into the bar with a gun to your head. And when I saw that blood all over you? I thought my heart might shoot right out of my throat. I. Was. Scared. I’m not afraid to admit that to you.” My voice cracked, causing me to stop talking. Clearing my throat, I continued. “And in the ambulance, when you were in such shock that you couldn’t even respond to me? I would’ve done anything to help you. Anything.”
Tears shimmered in her eyes. “You told me you loved me.”
She’d heard me. A flutter of fear rippled through my chest, followed just as quickly by relief. She wasn’t telling me to fuck off so she must be okay with it. “I did.”