Not where I thought, that’s for sure. And right now, I’m not sure that deviating from that path I’d set for myself is a bad thing. The classes are interesting, the prospects fascinating, and meeting Seth was…
Crap, no. Stop thinking about him for five minutes. Take a break.
“So, you and Fred good? Any romantic plans for the weekend?”
“Me and Fred are done.” I watch her eyes narrow. She isn’t surprised. “You knew this would happen, didn’t you?”
She shrugs. “You didn’t sound like you were really in love with him. Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I whisper. God, did everyone know before I did?
“And what about Seth?”
“God, Cass, let me catch my breath, okay?”
She wags a finger at me, grinning. “I knew it. You want him. Can’t hide from me.”
I can’t, can I? “I don’t know what to do.”
“Go drag him to your bed and screw like bunnies. There you go. Anything else I can help you with?” She winks.
Christ. I smother a laugh under my hand. “Cass.”
“Don’t go all virtuous virgin on me now. I bet you’ve done it already with Sethy, haven’t you?”
Oh boy. Familiar heat suffuses my face. Yeah, no way to hide.
“Yes!” She punches the air triumphantly.
“Cass, what if the one I want isn’t good for me?”
“Define good.”
“He’s a bad boy.”
“Don’t let tattoos or that attitude fool you, girl. Look deeper.”
Right. And look at this, Cassie giving me love advice.
“Fred is an artist,” I mutter. “We connected that way.”
“And Seth isn’t?”
“He is. He draws like nobody I’ve ever seen, but it’s not the same. The conversations I had with Fred…”
“… you can keep having them with Fred. You can have others with Seth. Why not? Doesn’t he have interests?”
“He does.” Like herpetology, and who knows what else? “Won’t he be annoyed that I’m going to college and he isn’t? Won’t he feel, I don’t know… inadequate or something?”
“Will he? Does he give you that impression?”
“No.” Crap, not at all. He’s so supportive it’s hard to believe it. “I don’t know, Cass. I hardly know him.”
“So get to know him. Are you done protesting and trying to deny what you feel?”
That shocks a laugh out of me. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“Hell, yeah. You’re shooting this thing down before it even takes off.”
She’s right. I am. “What if he’s not really interested in me?”
“You kidding me, right?” She reaches out, puts her hand over mine. “Trust me, girl, that boy has been staring at you for months now. He’s been eating you up with his eyes. He wants you, badly.”
There’s a lump in my throat. “Really?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Okay. And now he’s had me. What if that was all he wanted?”
“Did he say that?” Cass frowns. “That he doesn’t want more?”
It’s not normal that she can read me so well. Is she psychic?
“Something like that.”
“Damn.”
Yeah. “And the worst is that…” I swallow. “I want more. I realize that now. With him. All the things you said—about wanting to kiss him, touch him, spend time with him… just lie in bed with him, or talk with him… I want all that. With Seth.”
Saying it out loud makes it so real it hurts.
“There’s something I want to admit, too.” Cassie taps her fingers on the table, and her mouth twists. “About Jesse.”
“I thought you told me everything? About feeling you and Jesse were so similar. About protecting Amber. What else is there?”
She chews on the inside of her cheek. “Damn, I told you all that, huh?”
“Were they lies?”
“Hell no.” She sighs. “I told you the truth. But that’s not all.”
“Seriously, Cass.” I find myself leaning forward, curious in spite of myself. “I’m afraid to ask.”
“It’s just that…” She leans back in her chair. “I don’t really want Jesse. Never did.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“I know. I fooled everyone, I think. Including the one I wanted to fool. Didn’t realize the joke was on me.”
“What are you talking about? You’re saying…” I wet my lips. “Who?”
She smiles but her lower lip trembles. “Someone who doesn’t want me. Who only talks to me if he has to. Who now thinks I’m a dirty slut.”
Christ. “You want one of the boys. The Damage Boys.”
She nods. “That’s right.”
“And why…?” I shake my head, confused. “Why fool him? Why pretend you want another?”
“Because like I said, he doesn’t want me. He’s so distant with me, not letting me even touch him. My pride was hurt. I was pretending I didn’t give a damn. But I do. And I’ve gone and fucked it up even worse.”
“The guys are easy-going. Can’t imagine anyone so uptight they wouldn’t let you touch them, well, at least before you went and kissed Jesse and got them all riled up. Except for Shane, I…”
Her expression shifts to horror, and my heart sinks.
“It’s Shane, isn’t it?” When she nods, I rub my eyes.
God.
He sure is handsome, but as distant as the stars. He’s, like, trapped behind a wall of ice. The few times I stood near him I barely heard a word come out of his mouth. Tall, dark and mysterious—the exact opposite of Cass, the loud and flirty blond bombshell.
Who’s now looking at me like a lost little girl, her eyes wide and sad.
What do I say? You screwed up, Cass, real bad… If you ever stood a chance with Shane before, now it’s all over?
“I screwed up, right?” she asks, and yeah, she did.
But she’s my friend, and nobody died, so I guess it’s time I proved I’m her friend, too.
“We all screw up from time to time, Cass. It’ll be okay, you’ll see.” I smile and she gives me a watery smile back. “And if Shane didn’t notice you before, well now you sure have his attention, right?”
“Damn, you’re right.”
She laughs, a strangled sound, and I laugh, too. People stare as we giggle uncontrollably, wiping at our eyes. Too much tension, too much drama. Too many feelings. And we laugh and laugh, weeping, letting it out.
“I’ll tell Seth,” I gasp after a while, sitting up straighter. “How I feel.”
Cassie nods, rubbing her hands over her face. “You do that.”
Too many half-lies and untruths, too many ambiguities. If there’s one thing Cassie’s story tells me is that I need to come clean.
No matter how much the thought of his rejection scares me.
***
Still, I put off talking to him. My excuse is the new classes, the notes I have to bum off people I hardly know, my meetings with professors to let them know about myself and why I suddenly appeared in their classrooms. Show them my transfer papers. See what I need to catch up on.
Need to call my mom, tell her about this new turn in my life.
But I put that off as well. One thing at a time, right? Get settled into this new timetable, talk to Seth, and then my mom.
As it turns out, though, it’s not any of them I talk to first. It’s Fred.
He calls as I climb into my car after doing the rounds of the professors and lecturers, and I answer without even checking the caller ID.
“Madeline?” He sounds unsure, which is unlike Fred, but I know his voice too well. “Hello?”
I still. Everything around me stills. A wave of anger and sadness rises inside my chest. “Hey.”
“How are you doing? Haven’t heard from you lately.”
“Yeah. Been busy. You know, changing my studies, like I told you. Letting the system win. Giving up. Turns out giving up is an exhausting process.”
Okay, I’m being a bitch, but he’s a lying cheat, so we’re not even close to getting even.
“Gosh, Madeline. I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it. The giving up part.”