I knew I had plenty to count, especially when I compared my fate with that of Rachel. I often did that, because what had happened to us was similar. I was with my aunt and she was with an aunt and uncle. I had always been aware of my good fortune, but I did not realize the extent of it until I discovered something from Rachel.
I had always known she was afraid. She never actually said she was, for she rarely talked about her life at the Bell House, but I sensed there was a great deal to tell.
She and I were far more friendly than either of us was with Tamarisk.
I felt protective towards her and I think she regarded me as a true friend.
She often came to The Rowans and we would sit in the garden and talk.
I had for some time had the feeling that she wanted to tell me something and was finding it difficult to do so. I noticed that when we were laughing together and there was some reference to the Bell House a change would come over her, and I could not help being aware of her reluctance to leave me when we drew near the place and it was time for her to go home.
One day, when we were in the garden, I said to her:
“What is it like at the Bell House? I mean really like?”
She stiffened and there was a long pause. Then she burst out: “Oh, Freddie, it frightens me.”
“What?” I asked.
“I don’t know … quite. It just does.”
“Is it your uncle?”
“He’s such a good man, you see. He is always talking about God … and to Him … like Abraham or one of those people in the Bible. How sinful a lot of things are … things that people wouldn’t think of.
I suppose that is because he is so good. “
“It’s supposed to be good to care about other people, not frighten them.”
“When Aunt Hilda bought a comb for her hair he thought that was sinful. It was a nice comb and it made a difference when she put it in her hair. It was dinnertime and we were at the table. I thought it looked very nice. He was angry. He said, “Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. You look like the whore of Babylon!” Poor Aunt Hilda, she was quite white. She was so upset. He took the comb out of her hair and it fell round her shoulders. He was like an angry prophet in the Bible . like Moses when the people made the golden calf. He isn’t like a person . not like one of us. “
“My Aunt Sophie is kind and loving. I think that’s better than quoting the Bible and behaving like Abraham. After all, he was ready to kill his son as a sacrifice when God told him to. Aunt Sophie would never have done that to make herself look good in God’s eyes.”
“You are lucky. Your Aunt Sophie is a darling. I wish she’d been mine.
But, of course, my uncle is a very good man. We have prayers every day and they go on for a long time. My knees get sore. We have to pray for forgiveness and because he is so good, he thinks we are all very bad and will go to Hell in any case, so it all seems so pointless. “
“And he’ll go to Heaven, of course.”
“Well, he’s always talking to God. But it’s not that…”
“What is it?”
“It’s the way he looks at me. The way he touches me. He said once that I was a temptress. I don’t know what he meant. Do you?”
I shook my head.
“I try not to be there with him … alone.”
“I know what you mean.”
“Sometimes … well, once he came into my room at night when I was in bed. I woke up and he was standing there looking at me.”
I felt cold suddenly and shivered. I knew exactly how she had felt.
“He said to me: ” Have you said your prayers? ” I said, ” Yes, Uncle. ”
“Are you telling me the truth?” he went on.
“Get out of bed and say them again.” He made me kneel down and he was watching me all the time. Then he started to pray in a funny sort of way. He was asking God to save him from the Devil’s temptation.
“I fight, O Lord,” he said.
“Thou know est how I fight to overcome this sin which the Devil plants in me,” or something like that. Then he put out his hand and touched me. I thought he was going to pull my nightdress off. I was terribly frightened and pulled myself away. I ran out and Aunt Hilda was just outside the door. I clung to her and she kept saying it was all right. ”
“And what did he do?”
“I didn’t see, I just hid my face. He must have come out of the room and gone away. When I looked up he was gone.”
“What happened then?”
“Aunt Hilda kept on saying it was all right. She took me back to my room, but I didn’t want to stay there. She got into my bed with me and said she would not leave me. She was there all night. In the morning she said it was just a nightmare. My uncle had walked in his sleep.
“Better not mention it,” she said.
“He wouldn’t like that.”
So I didn’t . not till now. Then she said, “You could always lock your door in case he should sleepwalk again. Then you would sleep better,” she said.
“Nobody could come in then.” She took a key out of her pocket and showed me. I always have it with me. I make sure every night that I lock my door. “
“I wish you could come and live with us.”
“Oh, I should like that. Once … he was there … outside the door.
He turned the handle. I jumped out of bed and stood there listening.
He started to pray. He kept cursing the devils who tormented him just as the saints were tormented. He said he knew God did it to tempt him.
Imps came in the form of young girls. He was half crying. He would chastise himself, he said. He would purge himself of evil. He went away but I couldn’t sleep, even though my door was locked. “
“Oh, Rachel,” I said.
“I’m glad you told me. I knew there was something.”
“I feel better now I’ve told you.” She looked at the key and put it into her pocket.
“I have this,” she said.
We sat for some time in silence, and I knew exactly how she had felt when he came into her room.
There was a great deal of discussion about our going away to school.
Aunt Sophie went to see Mrs. St. Aubyn and Rachel’s Aunt Hilda went with her.
They were all so different. Aunt Hilda was meek and eager to please Mrs. St. Aubyn made a play of showing an interest which she clearly did not feel; but Aunt Sophie was energetic and had already investigated several schools, and her choice had fallen on St. Stephen’s. It was not too far away and she had seen the headmistress, whom she judged to be a sensible woman. She liked the tone of the school and felt it was the right one. There was no opposition.
It was May and we had to move quickly to start the term in September.
It was Aunt Sophie who took us all into Salisbury to buy our uniforms and by the end of June everything was satisfactorily arranged.
We were very excited about it all even Tamarisk and we spent hours imagining what it would be like. We were a little apprehensive though, and we were all very pleased that the three of us were going together.
Then came that day which I am sure I shall never forget as long as I live.
It was July and the weather had been warm and sultry. Rachel and I had been to St. Aubyn’s for afternoon tea. We had talked incessantly of school and it had been a very pleasant hour or so. Rachel was considerably happier at the prospect of leaving the Bell House and, of course, Tamarisk was always ready for a new adventure.
I had said goodbye to Rachel at the Bell House and did not want to go home immediately. Aunt Sophie would be shopping, so I decided to go the long way round by Barrow Wood.
I could not resist the temptation to go in and made my way to the barrows. I stood for a few moments, contemplating them. I loved the smell of the earth and the trees. It was very quiet except for the faint murmur of the light wind in the leaves.