I said: “Crispin, I love you. I want to marry you, and I want everything to be perfect between us now and always. I want to know everything about you. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”
I was aware of a slight withdrawal and the pause before he said: “Of course, I want the same.”
There was something he was holding back. I prayed inwardly that he might not be involved in this terrible affair. I could not bear it if he were.
It seemed to me that he was begging me to speak of our love and nothing else, that he was asking me to put aside everything but this wonderful revelation that we loved each other.
He said, almost pleadingly: “It is wonderful that you care for me. And you care about the estate too.” He frowned and waved his hand.
“All this … trouble … will be over soon. They’ll find out who did it and settle it. We’ve got to forget it. We shall be together and it will be wonderful. You have changed me, you know, my darling. You have changed my outlook on life. I was melancholy. I didn’t believe in the good things. I want you to understand … about my first marriage.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“It had a great effect on me … on what I became. It was only after I was in love with you that I began to escape from it. You must understand. I shall have no peace until you do.”
He held my hand tightly and went on: “I was very young. Eighteen, getting on for nineteen. I was at the university and a company of players came to the town. She was one of them. She must have been twenty-five at that time. She admitted to twenty-one. I went to the show … some musical comedy … song-and-dance show. She was in the front line of the chorus. I thought she was beautiful. I was there on the first night… and the next… I sent flowers. I was granted a meeting. I was completely infatuated.”
“It has happened to many young people before.”
“That does not excuse my folly.”
“No, but it is comforting to know you were not the only one.”
“You will always make excuses for me like that will you?”
“I suppose people do for those they love.”
He drew me to him and kissed me.
“How glad I am that I told you! I really can’t believe y< love me. You will take care of me forever more.”
“You are the strong man. It is you who should take ca of me.”
“I will with all my strength … and in my weakness y< will be there.”
“When you want me,” I told him.
There was silence for a few moments while he held n close to him and kissed my hair.
“You were telling me,” I reminded him.
He was sober immediately.
“I am so ashamed of it, but you must know me as far as.. ” He hesitated and I felt that fear touch me once more."
" I want to know everything, Crispin,” I said firmly ” Please don’t hold anything back. I will understand . whatever it is. “
There was again that brief hesitation.
“Well,” he went on, ‘against the advice of my friends, married her. I gave up my studies. After all, I had the estate I had always been interested in it. I thought I would settle down. Kate I don’t think that was her real name-then it was no truth about her; it was all false. Kate Carvel. S was bored with the estate. She didn’t want to live in t country. I was disillusioned. I realized very quickly what a terrible mistake I had made. And to see oneself as a fiat the age of nineteen is a very humiliating experience. maims you . for life, sometimes. It did for me until y’ appeared. Then, I hope, I began to change. “
“I am so glad of that, Crispin.”
“I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but no ever really cared for me before except Lucy Lane. That w why I was so easily duped by Kate. She was good at pretence. My parents had never been very interested in Tamarisk or me. They were so absorbed by their own way of life which didn’t include us. Lucy was always wonderful to me.”
“And you have been wonderful to her.”
“I have only done what was natural.”
“I think you have looked after her splendidly … and her sister, too.”
“I was so relieved when Kate went away. I can’t explain how I felt.”
“I can understand.”
“You’ve heard about the accident. I was called to identify her. She was very badly injured. Fortunately there was a ring which I had given her before we were married. It had been in the family for years. It had a crest on it, very delicately carved. I have the ring now. It was enough. There was also a fur stole with her initials worked in the lining. That episode was over.”
“And you must forget it.”
“I can now. The fact that you love me has restored my faith in myself.”
I laughed.
“I had always believed that was the last thing you lacked.
In fact. “
“I was arrogant, as we agreed.”
“Well, perhaps.”
“You don’t have to watch your words with me, my dearest. I shall want the truth from you.”
“And I from you,” I replied, again conscious of that little qualm of fear.
“I had the estate,” he went on.
“I gave myself up to that entirely.
You have no idea how it helped me through that time. “
“I understand perfectly.”
“It will be wonderful. We’ll be married … as soon as this affair is over.”
“I do hope it soon will be. James was saying that there are strangers round the place, curious to see where a man was murdered.”
“Oh, James.” He looked at me intently.
“He’s a good fellow, James.”
“I know.”
“He has a fondness for you. I can tell you, I have been jealous of him at times.”
“There was no need.”
“People would say he will make an admirable husband.”
“I am sure he will to someone one day.”
“Do you have any strong feelings for him?”
“I like him.”
“Liking can grow into something stronger. But that growth is stunted now. Assure me this is so. You will find I am in constant need of reassurance.”
“You shall always have it.”
He stood up suddenly and, drawing me to my feet, he held me tightly against him so that I could not see his face.
“There we are,” he said.
“Explanations over. You know of my past and you still want to marry me. I could dance round this room, but you have already had experience of my dancing and I know you did not have any great opinion of it.” “I shall certainly not be marrying you for your ability to dance,” I said lightly.
His face was against mine and I longed to be able to still i the fears that would keep intruding. If only they would go, how happy I could be. I said: “Aunt Sophie will be getting very curious. Shall we call her and tell her?”
“Yes, do. I want everyone to know.”
Aunt Sophie came in.
“We have news for you,” I said.
“Crispin and I are engaged to be married.”
She opened her eyes wide and her joy was apparent.
She kissed me and then Crispin.
“God bless you both,” she said.
“I knew … I just knew. But you were such a long time about it!”
When Crispin had left. Aunt Sophie and I sat together in the sitting-room and talked.
She told me how delighted she was.
“I always thought there was a lot of good in Crispin,” she said, ‘and when I saw you two together, I knew how it ought to be. He found that job for you, didn’t he? That was a sign all right. It made me laugh.
Of course, he did have that first marriage of his. It was rather sad.
He was so young and one of the saddest things about life is that when you are young you think you know everything, and when you get older you learn how little you know. But everything that happens is experience and at least when you’ve had one bad blow it teaches you not to do it again. I’m so happy for you, Freddie, and for myself.