The crowd ‘aaaaaah’s.
I would like to propose a toast – so if everyone (Very slightly garbled.) would be upstanding and charge their glasses—
The sound of everyone standing up.
To my love, my companion and my husband, Paul.
EVERYONE (voice-over). To Paul!
Blackout.
GRACE’s bedroom. ADAM and GRACE snog, cold, hard. He goes to take her top off. It’s difficult. She’s letting him but not making it easy for him. Eventually she pulls back.
GRACE. Sorry. D’you mind if we turn the light off?
ADAM. No. No.
Going to do so—
GRACE (as if she’s being funny). Thanks. Sorry. I’m a bit of a light-phobic when it comes to these night-time… things…
ADAM. Or we could have the lamp on?
She stops.
GRACE. Erm… Okay. (Laughs.) Yeah. Why not?
She turns the light off. The stage is in darkness. She crosses the room in darkness—
(Walking into something.) Ow. Fuck.
– and turns the lamp on. The room is dimly lit now. GRACE is rubbing her shin.
ADAM. Is that okay?
GRACE. You don’t want to turn it off?
ADAM. Erm. I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt my shin as well!
GRACE. It hurts.
She rubs it. Awkward. Still smirking, he goes over to her.
ADAM. Come here…
He kisses her briefly.
It doesn’t hurt.
They kiss, cold. He goes to remove her top again. Again she lets him but doesn’t help him. He manages to remove it. Her bra is dowdy, basic, unsexy. She pulls back.
GRACE (as if it’s funny). Sorry. I don’t want to go on like an idiot but I don’t feel comfortable with it so I’m gonna put the light on in the hallway and then we can turn the lamp off and the lights will still come in under the door. So it’s the best of both worlds and everybody has their fair share. Okay?
Nothing. He just kisses her breasts and tries unsuccessfully to undo her bra.
Adam.
ADAM (not aggressively, quietly as he kisses her breasts). Stop going on about the light and help me get your fucking bra off.
A beat. Ambiguity in GRACE’s response.
Blackout. Silence.
End of Act One.
ACT TWO
RUTH and ADAM’s living room. RUTH comes in with two cups of tea. ADAM sits onstage, in clothes different from (looser, less impressive than) those in the first act. He no longer has gel in his hair. He coughs over her first line.
RUTH. Chloe showed me her wedding dress.
ADAM. Sorry. I couldn’t hear you.
RUTH. Chloe showed me her wedding dress.
ADAM. Oh God.
She hands him the mug.
RUTH. Careful. It’s hot. No it was nice actually.
ADAM (taking the mug). Thanks.
RUTH. It’s white.
ADAM. Like she should be wearing a white dress!
RUTH. Yeah! And it’s one of those ones that covers her boobs—
ADAM. She hasn’t got any.
RUTH (laughing). Adam!
She spills a bit of tea.
Shit.
Blackout.
He’s still on the couch. She’s on her hands and knees, scrubbing where she spilt the tea. He drinks from a cup of tea. Hers sits on the floor.
RUTH. So it’s like it covers them so it looks like she’s got them but we don’t have to see them – as if we could! – and there’s these big roses on it—
ADAM. Oh no…
RUTH. Yeah. I mean it’s quite nice – for her – but—
ADAM. It’s so typical.
RUTH. Oh yeah.
ADAM. And fucking roses…
RUTH. Yeah. She’s always liked roses. Unfortunately. And she’s having this garland – she showed me the designs on the internet – like a garland for her hair with roses in it.
ADAM. What is it with roses?
RUTH. Yeah. I know! Weird. It’s pretty though. It’ll look pretty on her—
ADAM. But—
RUTH. – but – yes – stop with the roses, Chloe!
She laughs.
ADAM. What is wrong with her?!
RUTH. I know…
ADAM. All this fuss!
RUTH. I know…
ADAM. It’s just a wedding!
She laughs for him. A beat. As she finishes scrubbing—
RUTH. It’s okay though because we’re going to be wearing these lemon dresses – they’re a bit like my maxi dress – the one with the animals on it – but they’re lemon – and they won’t have any roses on them so I think it won’t be too bad at all really.
Silence. She sits next to him.
What time are you going out?
ADAM. I’m meeting them at seven.
She looks at her phone and puts it down again.
Blackout.
Empty stage.
ADAM (offstage right). What shall we have for lunch?
A beat. RUTH comes on from stage left and crosses the stage to stage right.
RUTH. Did you call me?
ADAM (offstage). What shall we have for lunch?
RUTH. Erm. I don’t know. We’ve got ham.
ADAM (offstage). Yeah.
RUTH. And there’s bread.
He doesn’t respond.
We could use some of my cheese slices and do toasted sandwiches.
ADAM (offstage). What about a salad?
RUTH. Yep.
ADAM (offstage). We could get lettuce and stuff.
RUTH. Shall we talk about it when you’re finished?
ADAM (offstage). Someone was saying if you avoid mixing carbs and proteins you lose weight quicker.
RUTH. Who was saying that?
ADAM (offstage). I dunno.
RUTH. You don’t need to lose weight.
No response.
Well it’s always good to be healthy.
No response.
I mean, I could probably do with shedding a few pounds myself.
No response.
My trousers were really tight this morning.
No response.
Yeah. Chloe goes to the gym at lunchtimes.
A beat as she waits for a reply.
Blackout.
They’re looking round a supermarket. She has a shopping basket with just salad cream in it. He holds a bag of chopped leaves.