Attached to the computer.
And now what was happening in her mind was almost exactly like what had happened when she’d manipulated the mouse through the encyclopedia on the disk. Except her brain was the mouse.
Her mind began racing, images forming, making connections to other images, dissolving and reforming.
A computer mouse.
A real mouse.
A mouse in a cage.
Cat in a cage. Cat being tortured, being given choices.
Herself being given choices.
The high diving board; the knotted rope. The feeling of panic overwhelming her.
Tears.
Herself, crying, running from the swimming pool.
Experiments.
Experiments about intelligence, about reactions, about choices.
Choices she couldn’t make.
She’d wanted to leave, and Hildie had said she could.
And Hildie had given her a drug. A massive amount, enough to knock her out.
So she couldn’t leave. But they couldn’t keep her like a prisoner, could they? Her parents would come looking for her. Her mother would want to know where she was.
More images.
A funeral.
Adam Aldrich’s funeral.
His mother, crying.
Crying for her son, who had died.
Died?
Was she dead? Was that what had happened? No. Not dead. If she was dead, she wouldn’t be alone. She knew what Heaven was like, she’d pictured it in her mind hundreds of times. It was a soft, grassy hill, covered with wildflowers and small animals. At the top there was a brilliant shaft of light, like a rainbow, shining down from a cloudless sky, and angels were waiting for her. Angels she knew — her grandmother and grandfather, who had died when she was so small she almost didn’t remember them. But if she was dead, they would be there at the top of the hill, waiting for her in the light of the rainbow, their arms stretched out to her to gather her in and hold her, welcoming her to the new place where she had gone to live.
What if she was wrong? What if she wasn’t in Heaven at all?
Hell?
Could the blackness surrounding her be Hell?
No! She wasn’t bad, and she wouldn’t have gone to Hell! And if she was dead, she would feel it! She would know it! And she didn’t feel dead at all.
She felt alive, alive, but trapped in some kind of world she didn’t understand.
A world where she had no senses. She couldn’t see anything, or hear anything, or feel anything, or even smell or taste anything.
And yet she was alive. As if her mind was existing outside of her body.
Outside her body!
She began remembering things she’d heard, snatches of conversation.
“Maybe Adam’s not dead.”
“Maybe he’s just gone away.”
But they’d found his body.
His body, crushed by a train.
What would a train do if it hit a human body?
Instantly, figures began whirling through her head. The weight of a locomotive, and its speed.
The strength of bone.
She factored in a coefficient of flexibility and tensile strength.
The numbers churned with the speed of a computer, and suddenly she had the answer.
Adam’s skull would have been smashed and his brain crushed, killing him instantly.
If his brain was still in his skull at all.
But if his brain had been taken out of his body, as her body seemed to have been detached from her brain …
Her mind raced again, questions forming, answers appearing as quickly as the questions took shape.
Images of human anatomy flicked through her mind,data piling upon data, her mind receiving all of it, processing it, assimilating it.
She began to understand how the systems of her body worked.
And how little of it was needed to keep her brain alive.
Finally, in a moment of terrible clarity, she understood.
The blackness was real, for she no longer had eyes with which to see.
The silence was real, for she no longer had ears with which to hear.
Or fingers or toes, or tongue or throat.
No lungs with which to breathe, no heart to pump blood through the body she no longer possessed.
More data piled up, data that her unfettered mind sorted through with lightning speed.
Where was it coming from? Where could all the data have been stored? Not in her own mind, for most of it was unfamiliar to her, things she’d known nothing about.
Data banks.
It was coming from data banks, to which she now had access.
The moment came when Amy Carlson finally understood where she was.
She no longer existed in the world she’d lived in all her life, a world of people and animals and trees, with sights and sounds that filled her soul with joy.
Now she was alone, trapped in eternal darkness, surrounded by … what?
Facts.
Data.
Knowledge.
Bits of information, insignificant binary digits, flitting through a universe of electronic impulses.
But at the heart of the computer there was no powerful microprocessor constructed of silicon chips with millions of microscopic circuits etched on their surfaces.
Instead, the heart of this computer was a mass of biological tissue, far more complex than any microchip could ever be.
The heart of this computer was a brain.
Her brain.
Once again she screamed, a mighty burst of energy that exploded in her mind, spewing her rage into each of the tiny sensors that monitored every portion of her brain.
George Engersol and Hildie Kramer watched the monitor above the tank that held Amy Carlson’s brain with a combination of fascination and awe.
The graphs seemed to have exploded, and colors blazed over the screen like fireworks, reds and purples bursting into greens and oranges, wave after wave of hues mixing together, separating, then dying away, only to be replaced with new patterns, patterns that weren’t patterns at all, but graphic representations of the turmoil within Amy’s mind.
“What is it?” Hildie breathed. “What’s happening to her?”
Engersol’s eyes remained fixed on the monitor as he watched the results of his years of research.
“I think she just figured out where she is and what’s happening to her,” he said. “The question is whether she’ll survive it, or whether it will drive her insane.”
Hildie frowned. “But what about Adam? He survived, didn’t he?”
Engersol’s lips curled into a smile that was totally devoid of warmth. “But there’s a difference, isn’t there? Adam knew exactly what was going to happen to him, and where he would be when he woke up.”
He was silent for a moment, then spoke again. “And of course Adam wanted to go. Amy didn’t.”
22
Margaret Carlson wondered how much longer she could hold herself together. She was sitting on a chair in Hildie Kramer’s office, having ignored Hildie’s gesture toward the sofa when the housemother had ushered her in five minutes ago. Frank had disdained the sofa as well, pacing nervously around the office, finally standing at the window, his back to the room, as if by refusing to face Hildie, he could refuse to face what she was telling them as well. Margaret, though, had chosen to perch on the edge of a straight-backed chair, her spine held perfectly erect, as if the act of holding her body in complete control could cause her to master her emotions as well.
She was on the verge of hysteria.
She knew it, for all around her the tendrils of reaction to the news she had heard by telephone early this morning kept reaching out to her, curling around her, drawing her toward an abyss of grief from which she wasn’t certain she could ever emerge.