When she finally got to sleep, other dangers were lurking. Thomas would appear in her dreams. He came and went at will and awakened a longing in her that left everything reeling. What she had purposely forced her brain to forget remained as a memory in her body, and her hands refused to ward it off.
She wrote herself a prescription for sleeping pills as a means of defence.
After that she was left in peace.
On the third day she gathered her courage and suggested that she stay and fix dinner for them that evening. Yes, and go out to run errands first, of course. She added that she didn’t mind at all. Pernilla hesitated only briefly, but then admitted that it would really be appreciated. Her back had grown worse since she was alone, and she hadn’t been to her chiropractor in over three weeks. Monika knew that she didn’t have the money, but she needed to hear it from Pernilla and above all she needed more details. She hoped to find out more during dinner.
She stood in the hall putting on her coat, having decided to make beef Wellington with pommes au gratin. She was wondering whether to buy a bottle of wine when Pernilla came out to the hallway.
‘By the way, I’m a vegetarian. I don’t think I told you, did I?’
Monika smiled.
‘What luck. I didn’t want to say that I was because I thought you might want to have meat. How long have you been a vegetarian?’
‘Since I was eighteen.’
Monika fastened the last button on her coat.
‘Is there anything you particularly feel like having?’
Pernilla sighed.
‘No. To be honest, I’m not even very hungry.’
‘You ought to try and eat. I’ll find something at the grocer’s. Would you like a glass of wine, by the way? I can stop at the off-licence and buy a bottle if you like.’
Pernilla thought for a bit.
‘Someone else from the crisis group who was here said I should be careful with alcohol for the time being. It’s apparently quite common to start consoling yourself with a couple of glasses of wine in the evening when you’re in my situation.’
Monika didn’t reply, but wondered briefly if she had been rebuked. But then Pernilla went on.
‘But there’s not much risk of that, because I can’t afford to buy any. I would very much like to have a glass of wine.’
Monika spent a long time choosing vegetables. She didn’t know any vegetarian recipes, and finally she asked one of the staff for help. Oh yes, there were various recipe suggestions on a stand over there by the dairy counter, and she picked one with chanterelles that looked rather luxurious and that she thought she could manage to prepare. She was feeling almost excited when she went back to her car with bags filled with food. Pernilla’s trust in her seemed to have grown, and the threat of being sent away seemed less imminent. And tonight they would eat dinner together. They would have a chance to get to know each other a little better and she didn’t intend to disappoint Pernilla. She had just put down the bags to take out her car keys when she saw it. She didn’t see where it came from, but suddenly it was standing there on the pavement, right next to one of the bags. A silver-grey pigeon with iridescent purple wings. Monika dropped her car keys. With tiny black eyes it was staring accusingly at Monika, and she was suddenly afraid that the pigeon would do her harm. Without taking her eyes off it, she bent down and picked up her keys, unlocked the car and opened the door. Not until she picked up the bags did it flutter off in alarm above the parking lot, and she loaded the shopping into the car as quickly as she could. She locked the doors before she drove off.
When she parked outside Pernilla’s building she sat in the car for a while to collect herself. She saw that fat dog again. Only a few metres from the balcony where it lived the dog was doing its business, but as soon as it was done it wanted to go back inside. Somebody opened the balcony door, but it was dark in the flat so she couldn’t make out whether it was a woman or a man.
Pernilla was sitting on the sofa watching TV. She had put on Mattias’s big pullover again, and Monika saw that she had been crying. In front of her on the table lay a stack of opened envelopes. Monika put down the bags. The hope that she would feel better again as soon as she got back inside the flat had been satisfied, and she felt all her resolve returning. She sat down next to Pernilla on the sofa. It was time to take the next step.
‘How’s it going?’
Pernilla didn’t answer. She closed her eyes and hid her face in her hands. Monika stole a look at the envelopes on the table. Most of them were addressed to Mattias, and they all looked like bills. This was a golden opportunity that mustn’t be wasted.
‘I realise it must be tough to open all his letters.’
Pernilla took her hands away and sniffled a little. Pulled up her legs and wrapped her arms around them.
‘I haven’t been able to open the mail for a while, but I did it while you were out shopping.’
Monika got up and went into the kitchen to get some paper towels, which she handed to Pernilla when she returned. Pernilla blew her nose and crumpled up the paper into a ball.
‘We won’t be able to afford to stay here. I always knew that, but I just couldn’t think about it.’
Monika sat in silence for a while. It was this information she had waited for Pernilla to confide in her.
‘Forgive me for asking, but were you covered by insurance? I mean, accident insurance?’
Pernilla sighed. And then the whole story came out. The one Mattias had told and which it was now all right for her to know about. This time the account was more detailed. Monika memorised every detail, every number, noted precisely all the particulars in her well-trained memory, and when Pernilla had finished talking Monika was familiar with the whole problem. The loan they had been forced to take to pay their bills after Pernilla’s accident had not been a normal bank loan, but a Finax loan with an interest rate of 32 percent. And since they had not been able to afford any amortisation, the principal amount increased each month and was now up to 718,000 kronor. Pernilla’s only income was her disability pension, and even if it were possible to obtain a housing allowance, she wouldn’t be able to make ends meet.
‘Mattias had just started a new job and we were so happy about it. We would have had some tough years but at least we could begin to pay off this bloody loan.’
Monika had already thought out what she would say when this occasion arose, and now the time was finally here.
‘You know, I was just sitting here thinking about something. I can’t promise anything, of course, but I know that there’s a programme that you can apply to when something like this happens.’
‘What sort of programme?’
‘I’m not quite sure, but I was helping someone else after a death in her family, on behalf of the crisis group, and she got help from that programme. I promise I’ll look it up tomorrow morning.’
Pernilla shifted position and turned towards her. For that moment she had Pernilla’s full attention.
‘Well, if you have time and feel like doing it, that would be very kind.’
Her heart was beating in a nice, steady rhythm.
‘Of course I can arrange it. But I’d need documentation. Loans, insurance, your living expenses, that sort of thing. How much your rehabilitation costs. Chiropractors, massage. Do you think you could get all that together?’
Pernilla nodded.
And while Monika stood in the kitchen sautéeing chanterelles, Daniella playing at her feet, and Pernilla coming in now and then to ask about some papers she wondered whether Monika would need, she felt for the first time in ages a strange feeling of serenity.
20
For three days no one from the home help agency had called. Neither Ellinor nor anyone else. She had enough food to last, there was no danger of that, but she began to wonder a little. Maybe Ellinor had been so angry that she hadn’t even arranged for a replacement, thought she’d leave the problem to Maj-Britt to solve as best she could. That would be just like her.