What had women to be afraid of? They didn’t have to fight in the coming wars, they would be safe and protected…
She said, “What do you know of the Hastur Gift?” again, insistently.
“Not much, as I told you. I grew up thinking I didn’t even have ordinary laran…”
“But whatever it may be, it’s latent in you,” she mused.
He asked her point-blank, “Do youknow what the Hastur Gift is?”
She said, biting her lip, “Ashara must know…” and he wondered what that had to do with it. As if speaking to herself, she said, “The Ardais Gift; catalyst telepathy, the ability to awaken laranin others. The Ridenow make the best monitors because they are empaths… the Gifts are all so muddled, now, by inbreeding, by marriage with non-telepaths, it’s rare to find the full strength of any of the old Gifts. And there is so much superstition and tradition cluttering any clear knowledge of the Gifts… there is a tradition that the original Gift of the Hasturs may have been what was trained into the Keepers: the ability to work with other matrixes, without the elaborate safeguards a Keeper must have. Originally the word Keeper—” she used the casta, teneresteis—meant one who holds, one who guards… a Keeper, in the simplest terms, putting aside a Keeper’s function of working at the center of the energon rings, is one who keeps the other matrixes in the group resonating together; it’s a special skill of working with other matrixes, not just her own. As I say, some high-level technicians can do it. I wonder…” she hesitated a little, then said, “Hasturs, in general, are long-lived and mature late. Ordinary laranwaked in you late—you were fifteen, weren’t you? And perhaps that was only a first stirring of the laranyou will eventually have. How old are you now? Twenty-one? That would mean your matrix was wakened at about the time as the Sharra troubles—”
“I was in the mountains then; and my matrix was overshadowed, like all the matrixes in the vicinity of the Sharra matrix,” Regis said.
And he had, furthermore, been going through an intolerable personal crisis with the wakening of his heritage; his decision to accept himself as he was, and not as his grandfather and the Comyn wanted him to be; to accept self-knowledge and the unwanted burden of the Hasturs, or to bury it all, live a life without either, an uncomprehending, unburdened life without laran, without responsibility. But now there was this new dimension to his laran, and he could not even guess what further burdens it would demand of him.
“Let me be sure about this,” Callina said. “While you were in the mountains during the Sharra rebellion, your matrix was overshadowed; you could not use it because of—of what I saw in Lew’s at that time: the Form of Fire. But later, when Sharra was offworld—”
“It was clear,” he said, “and I learned to use it, my matrix I mean, without any sign of Sharra. Only when Lew brought the Sharra matrix back to Darkover—”
She nodded. “And yet, you cleared your matrix,” she said. “It will be easy enough to see if you have natural talent for a Keeper’s skills.” She unrolled her own from the tiny leather bag at her throat. She held it naked on her palm and said, “Can you match resonances and touch it without hurting me?”
Regis looked away, gulping; his mind was full of that day in Castle Aldaran, when he had seen Kadarin strip away Lew’s matrix and send Lew to the floor in violent convulsions, a shrieking mindless wreck… He muttered, “I wouldn’t know where to start. And I’d be afraid to try. I could—I could kill you.”
She shook her head. “No, you couldn’t, not here, not safeguarded as I am,” she said. “Try it.”
Her voice was low and indifferent, but it was a command, and Regis, sweating, tried to think himself into the blue crystal that lay in Callina’s palm. He tried to remember how he had gone into Javanne’s mind, reaching out to unpick her mind from the matrix as if it were interwoven threads of tapestry…He felt a strange, unpleasant force against his mind and moved squeamishly against it. Was that Callina? He glanced up, hesitant, unable to reconcile that cold stony force with the smiling, gentle woman before him.
“I—can’t,” he said.
“Forget about me! Match resonances with the matrix, I said!”
This is foolish. I have known Callina most of my life. It is absurd to be afraid of her! He reached out again, tentative, feeling the pulsing life-force, her guarded thoughts—she had the strongest barrier he had ever touched; he supposed it had something to do with being a Keeper. He caught only fragments, the light hurting her eyes from a window, subliminal awareness of him, Regis, he’s a good-looking boy, how tired he was of that reaction from women—Again he felt the pulsing of the matrix, tried to match his breathing against it…A face sketched itself lightly on his mind, cold, distant, making him shiver as if he stood naked in frost… beautiful, terrible, alien— He banished that, too, and the fear, and forced himself into the matrix, feeling the resonance, the cold life of stone, the glowing lights in tune with his breathing, the blood in his veins… He felt himself reach out, not conscious of movement, and closed his fingers over it, lifting it lightly from her hand…distant cold eyes, gray and colorless as metal— Cold seas washing over his mind—
Pain splintered through Callina’s head and Regis quickly let the matrix go, tilting it back into her hand. She blinked and he felt her controlling the stab of pain. She said, “Well, you have the talent for that… but I don’t know how much further it goes. I saw something, like a vision…” She was fumbling for words; she felt him share the fumbling and stopped it cold.
It was not at all like his contact with Javanne; it was not at all like the contact he had had with any of the women who had briefly been his lovers— was it because she was a Keeper, that cold stony alien thing in her mind, a leronisof the old kind, vowed to virginity, to touch no man with even a hint of sexuality? Or had it been Callina at all? His own head was aching.
She said, “If you can do that, and if you could clear a matrix which had touched Sharra—” She bit her lip and he saw the pain move across her face again. “You have a gift we don’t know about. Maybe it can be helpful…” and he picked up the words she was hesitant to speak, perhaps it could help to control the Sharra matrix, free Kennard’s son from the domination of that— that terrible thing—
A second of terror; something greedy, ravenous, reaching out…
Then it was gone, or had it ever been there? “Go and tell Lew Alton that he should bring the Sharra matrix here, where it will be safe…there is no time to lose. Perhaps you can help to free him…”
“I’d be afraid to try,” he said, shaking.
“But you must not be afraid,” she said, demanding. “If you have such a Gift as that…” and Regis felt she was not seeing him as a human being, not as Regis at all, just as a Gift, a strange and puzzling problem for a matrix technician, something to be solved and unraveled. It troubled him; for a moment he wanted to force her to see him as a human, a man standing before a woman; she was all cool aloofness, the woman in her subdued, her features cold and static, and for an instant Regis remembered the curious stony face that had briefly crossed his mind like a vision in the matrix— Was that Callina too? Which was real? Then, so swiftly he could not be sure of it, it was gone, and Callina was only a frail-looking woman, slender, troubled, in a fuzzy blue robe, looking up at him and pressing her temples with her two hands as if they hurt her.