That led to an exchange of crude speculations about why Kina wanted the standard, a couple of chuckles, then the Captain said, "You did the right thing, letting me know. We've all got these things going on inside us. We're keeping them locked up and secret and we're getting used. I think. Look, hang in there. Stay aware. One-Eye will be here tomorrow or the next day. You talk to him then you do exactly what he tells you. Understand?"
"I got it. But what do I do about it?"
"Gut it out."
"Gut it out. Right."
"On your way back to your den take a look at Kiaulune and ask yourself if you're the first guy in this world who ever lost somebody he loved."
Oh oh. He was getting impatient with my refusal to heal.
"Right. Good night." I wished. It was more like hell night for a while. Every time I slipped off I fell right into the plain of death. Not once did I get to the cavern of the old men. As soon as it got bad I awakened, usually on my own but twice with help from Thai Dei. Poor guy. No telling what he really thought about me after four years of watching me go through these bizarre behaviors.
Finally, apparently baffled by my lack of receptivity, Kina abandoned me trailing more than a hint of exasperated threat behind her.
And when it was over I was not quite sure the whole thing had not been some monster entirely of my own imagining.
I slept. I awakened. I crawled out of my shelter. As another privileged character I could have gotten by without sharing, too, if I had wanted. In fact, as Annalist, I rated a tent of the sort used for small conferences, a veritable canvas palace where I could spread out and work.
I rated it but I would never see it.
The standard stood outside. It did not look like something that ought to excite the envy of a blacksmith, let alone great powers. It was nothing but one rusty old spearhead atop a long wooden shaft. Five feet down from the head there was a cross-piece four feet long tied to the shaft. From that hung the black banner bearing the device we had adopted in the north, the silver skull exhaling golden flames that originated as Soulcatcher's personal seal. The skull was not human because it had exaggerated canine teeth. No lower jaw was present. One eye-socket was scarlet. In some representations that was the right eye, in some the left. I have been assured there is significance to that but nobody ever told me what. It may have had something to do with Soulcatcher's changeable nature.
Every Company man wore a silver badge bearing a similar design. We have them made where we can. Some we take off our own dead. Some men are carrying three or four as part of Croaker's thing about returning to Khatovar. In fact, I think Otto and Hagop have several dozen of them they brought down from the north.
The skull device is not that intimidating in itself. It is scary because of what it represents.
Everyone in this end of the world at least pretends to be spooked by how nasty the Company was the last time it passed through. Hard to believe that anybody could have been so cruel that the fear would persist for four centuries. There is nothing so terrible that it does not get forgotten in a few generations.
Kina had to be responsible somehow. She had been manipulating these people for an age. sending out her dreams. Four centuries was plenty of time to create an enduring hysteria. In fact, if you assumed the great black goddess was behind that you could explain a lot that never made sense before. It even explained why there were so many crazed people involved, great and small.
Might it be that Kina's departure from the play would cause an outbreak of sanity at all levels?
But how do you get rid of a god? Is there any religion where they teach you that? How to get your god off your back if he gets too damned obnoxious? No. All you ever get is advice on how to bribe them to leave you alone for a few minutes.
40
Once again One-Eye threatened to prove useless. "You got me by the balls," was his response when I asked him how I could deal with my dreams.
"Goddamn it! Croaker said you'd have the answer. But if you're going to be that way, screw you. Stick it in your ear."
"Hey, Kid. Take it easy. What way?"
"Purposely stupid."
"You're too young to be so cynical, Kid. Where'd you get the idea I couldn't straighten out something as simple as a dream raider?"
"I got it from something this lazy-ass little old man told me about twenty seconds ago."
"Did not." He stomped around. "Shit. You're sure the Old Man told you come to me about this?"
"I'm sure."
"And you told me everything? Didn't leave some little detail out, you're too proud to mention, that's going to get me bit on the ass if I do something?"
"I told you everything." It had been hard but I had.
"I got to get out of this. I'm losing it." He showed me his best glower. "You're sure the Old Man sent you to me? You weren't just hearing voices?"
"I'm sure." I stared at that stupid hat of his, wondering if I could get it to hold still long enough for me to put it out of its misery.
"Nobody likes a smartass, Kid."
"Even you have friends, One-Eye."
He pranced around some. "I don't want to do this. I don't think Croaker knows what he's doing. Why should I?"
I did not realize that he was talking to himself, not me. "On account of I'm a brother and I need help."
"All right. Don't tell me you didn't ask for this. Come on up to the wagon."
A shiver of anticipation overcame me. It was so strong both One-Eye and Thai Dei noticed. One-Eye muttered to himself. As he started to turn he told Thai Dei, "You come along, too."
The why of that proved to be Mother Gota. "She turned up, eh?" I observed. I probably did not sound thrilled. The fact was, I was not thrilled. Having Mother Gota around generally made me wish I had boils on my butt instead.
"Found her sitting beside the road looking downright forlorn as we started down the south slope of the pass."
I knew it was a waste of time but I asked anyway. "Where have you been? Where is Uncle Doj?"
Did I say something out loud? Apparently not. She did not respond. She began carping at Thai Dei about how he was keeping himself. Maybe his hair was too long or his beard not plucked. What was insignificant. There was always something to complain about and something to criticize.
One-Eye said, "While they're getting caught up I want you to climb in the wagon and go for a stroll with the ghost. Whoa, boy! Let's not get so eager. If the Old Man wants you to see me about your dreams there's only one possible reason." He looked over his shoulder. He laid a really hard look on mother and son. "Something he told me to spend some time on before you all took off for your adventures over here."
"Think you can get to the point?" I had both hands on the wagon's tailgate.
"All right, smartass. You get in there, you take Smoke back to the night your wife died. You watch it happen."
"Goddamn it!"
"Shut up, Kid. I've had all your self-pity I can handle. So's the Old Man, I guess. You want to be able to deal with these dreams, you go back there and take a damned good look at what made you the way you are right now. You watch every second of it. Three times, if that's what it takes. Then you come back and we'll talk."
I started to argue.
"You shut your mouth and do it. Or you just stay away and spend the rest of your life living in your own fantasies."
He pissed me off so bad I wanted to jump his ass. Which would not be wise on several counts. I let the anger give me a boost as I hoisted myself into the wagon.
I guess you do not quite know yourself, ever. I really did believe I had it handled until the encounter with Kina, the temptation of the impossible promise to give me back my dead. After that the pain had grown back up again.