Jessie didn't know where to begin so she just blurted out the words that she still found hard to say.
"Jack sexually abused me."
She expected shock, disbelief. Not the quiet nod that she got.
"What? That's it?" Jessie asked.
"I suspected as much, Jessie. But you had to remember yourself, I couldn't put that idea in your head."
"You suspected? How?"
"Jessie, let's talk about how you discovered this? Did you talk to your mother, to Annie?"
"No. I couldn't bring myself to see her. I met someone who knew her, though." But she didn't want to go over it all again. She had thought of nothing else for the past two weeks. She stood up suddenly, pacing in front of the desk. "What am I supposed to do now?"
"Jessie, sit down."
"No. I don't want to sit," she said, still pacing. "It just came to me. I think maybe I knew, I don't know. Chris kept asking about my childhood, you know, but I didn't remember. I kept telling her I didn't remember."
"Who is Chris?"
"She works there, she knows Annie. She knew who I was," she explained hurriedly. "We had an argument about Annie, about Jack. She told me some things that I didn't know, that I didn't remember." Jessie walked back and forth in front of the desk, her mind reeling.
"That night, I went up on the mountain. Something just pulled me up there. And I sat... and I remembered," she finished in a whisper. "I remembered it all."
"Jessie, please sit."
"No, dammit! I don't want to sit. I've been sitting for two weeks. I'm angry. And I want to know why?"
"Why? Why he did it?"
"Yes. I want to know why? Was it Annie's fault? Was it my fault?"
"Jessie, we'll never know why. We just have to work through this and we can, now that you know."
"No. I can come here and we can talk this to death, but what will that solve? It's not going to change anything," she said.
"No, you're right. It wouldn't change anything. But most importantly, you must know that it wasn't your fault. You were a child. You were the victim."
"But why?"
"There could be numerous reasons, Jessie. I can list off clinical answers for you if you want. But let's talk about you. Let's talk about how you feel."
"How I feel? How the fuck do you think I feel?"
"Jessie, I know you're angry. You should be angry. But at least you feel something."
Jessie stopped her pacing and stared at her. Yes, at least she felt something. She couldn't have said that a month ago. A month ago, she just felt dead.
"I'm going back," she stated. "I want to see her."
"That's a good start. Perhaps after we've had a chance to work through this, you'll be able to see her, to talk to her about your childhood. Your mother may have no idea what happened."
"No. Look, I'm not deranged, I'm not suicidal. I don't want to murder my mother, despite what you may think after reading my books." Jessie leaned on the desk and faced Dr. Davies. "I just want my life back."
"And you should, Jessie. You will. But it's not just a matter of accepting this and going about your life. You will have bad moments. You will still remember things that you don't even remember now. We'll work through it and you can still live a normal, healthy life."
"You don't understand. I'm not going to work through this by coming to you and talking about it. I think I only came today to be able to say it out loud to someone. I've been sitting in my apartment for two weeks, working through it. Yes, at first, I thought it was my fault, that I'd done something to deserve it. Then I thought it must be Annie's fault. But last night, I finally realized that Jack was the only one to blame. And I can be as angry with him as I want to be, but he's not here anymore. And you're right. I haven't had a life. Not yet. And I don't want to waste any more time. So I'm going back to see her, to talk to her."
"And I think you should, Jessie. But you need guidance. You need someone to talk to about your fears, and you will have them."
"I think I have someone there I can talk to," she said. "That is, if she'll still want to talk to me."
"Annie?"
"No. Chris. If anyone will understand, it's Chris," she said, hoping it was true.
"How do you know this? She's someone you've known for what, a few weeks?"
"I just know."
Chapter Twenty-two
Chris was out on horseback, following the South Rim Trail. Ever since the car accident, it seemed every nut from the city had decided that Sierra City was the place to be. Two weeks ago, a body had been found. A man in his mid-twenties had been shot in the head and dumped in the forest. Roger and Ellen had stumbled across the body when they were out on their evening walk. He was the younger brother of a jailed drug dealer in San Francisco. Eight days ago, a small plane had gone down, some twenty miles into the forest. There were no trails, and Chris led a group of rescuers and a sheriff’s department evacuation unit into where they thought the plane had gone down. It had taken them three days to find the plane. There had been no smoke and no fire. The plane had simply disappeared into the forest. The plane was still relatively intact when they found it, along with about a million dollars' worth of cocaine.
Today, they were searching for a runaway. A teenage girl had left her parents a note and had taken a backpack and enough food for a couple of days. They hadn't approved of her boyfriend and had forbidden her to see him. So, she ran away to be with him. Of course, the boy had no idea. He was safe at home, in a small town about thirty miles north of Sierra City. They had searched every part of the forest that they thought she might have traveled through and had turned up nothing.
"What do you think?" Bobby asked her for the fourth time.
"I think this week sucks," she said. She was tired and she hadn't had a decent meal in eight days. She wondered if she had even left food out for Dillon. She had scarcely seen him in two weeks. "And I thought Yosemite was busy."
They camped near the Nevada Trail that night, their third and her seventh in a row. She radioed Roger when they had the fire going.
"For her to have made it this far in three days, she would have to have been jogging the whole way. We both know that didn't happen."
"I agree," he said. Chris thought he sounded tired and realized that it had been a tough week for him, too. "Come on back tomorrow. We'll concentrate closer to home, even though no one's found a sign of her."
"Ten-four."
The next morning, Roger woke them. "Good news. Found the kid."
"Where the hell was she?"
"San Francisco. She left the note as a decoy and hitched to the city."
"Son of a bitch," Chris said.
"Yeah, I know. Come on home. Let's hope things slow down. Maybe we'll get a snowstorm or something."
They wasted no time and even the horses seemed like they didn't want to spend another night on the trail. It was dark when they got back, exhausted.
Chris stood in the shower, her eyes closed as the hot water soothed her aching muscles. Dillon waited patiently on the toilet seat for her to finish. When the hot water ran out, she turned it off and stepped out, drying herself with a thick towel.
"Miss me?" she asked him as he rubbed against her legs.
She had actually taken the time to stop at Ellen's and pick up something for dinner. She had vegetables sautéing, garlic bread in the oven and linguine ready to boil. After dinner, she sat on the sofa, feet stretched out on the coffee table, sipping wine. Dillon was curled in her lap and she rubbed his ear while he purred.
The knock on the door startled her and she called for them to come in without turning around. Roger stuck his head inside.
"Feel like company?"
"Sure, come on in."
He brought his customary six-pack of beer and he put it in the fridge and took a cold one of hers.