When she had finished breakfast and had taken three cups of tea she went to the kitchen. She thoroughly irritated the cook by interfering with the week’s menus, and then tried the patience of her own maid by checking on the mending and ironing of her gowns. When she finally realized how unfair she was being, she went into her boudoir, closed the door, and began to write a letter to Great-aunt Vespasia, simply because she would have liked to talk to her. She was on the fourth page of her letter when the footman knocked and came in to tell her that her mother, Mrs. Ellison, was in the morning room.
“Oh, ask her in here,” she answered. “It’s much brighter.” She covered the letter and with mixed feelings prepared to welcome her mother.
Caroline came in a moment later, dressed in a fashionable wine-colored barathea trimmed with black fur and a rakish hat which made her look more elegant than Emily could remember. There was a flush in her cheeks, doubtless the bitter weather, and she was full of good spirits.
“How are you, my dear?” She kissed Emily delicately and sat in one of the most comfortable chairs. “You look peaked,” she observed with maternal candor. “I hope you are eating well. You must look after your health, for Edward’s sake and your own. Of course, this first year is terribly difficult, I know, but another six months and it will be past. You must prepare for the future. By midsummer it will be acceptable for you to start mixing in a few suitable gatherings.”
Emily’s heart sank. The word suitable was like a damnation. She could imagine those gatherings: coteries of black-clad widows sitting round like crows on a fence, making pious-sounding, meaningless remarks, or else tutting over the latest giddiness of Society, picking it over endlessly because it was the only way they could participate in its life.
“I think I’ll take up good works,” she said aloud.
“Very commendable,” Caroline agreed with a little nod. “As long as you do it in moderation. You might speak to your vicar about it, or if you prefer, I will speak to mine. I am sure there are committees of ladies who would welcome your contributions in time, when it is appropriate for you to begin going out of your home to such meetings.”
Sitting on committees of women was the last thing Emily had in mind. She was thinking of the sort of work Great-aunt Vespasia did—visiting workhouses and campaigning for better conditions and agitating for changes in the employment laws for children, trying to increase the number and scope of “ragged schools” for pauper children, perhaps even fighting for the political franchise for women. Now that she had the money, there might be quite a lot she could do, Emily decided. “You don’t look dressed for good works,” she said critically. “In fact, I’ve never seen you look so well.”
Caroline was startled. “There is no need to dress like a dowd or to look wretched in order to do good works, Emily. I know this has been tragic for you, but you must not allow yourself to become eccentric, my dear.”
Emily could feel her temper boil up inside her, mixed with frustration and despair. Imprisoning walls seemed to be closing in around her. It was as if someone were padlocking a gate and she could hear her mother’s calm, reasonable voice like the swish of closing curtains shutting out everything that was spontaneous, bright, and exhilarating.
“Why not?” she demanded. “Why shouldn’t I become eccentric?”
“Don’t be foolish, Emily.” Caroline’s tone was still gentle, but overly patient, as if she were speaking to a sickly child who would not eat her rice pudding. “In due course you will want to marry again. You are far too young to remain a widow, and you are extremely eligible. If you behave circumspectly during the next two or three years you may quite easily marry at least as well as you did before and be most comfortable and happy. But this next short time is crucial. It could make or mar everything.”
Emily raised her eyebrows high. “You mean if I do something immodest or unseemly, no duke will have me, and if I am seen to be eccentric I may not even manage a baronet!”
“You are in a very trying mood this morning,” Caroline said, struggling to remain patient. “You know the rules of Society quite as well as I do. Really, Emily, you used to be the most sensible of the three of you, but you seem to be getting more like Charlotte every time I see you. Perhaps I should have counseled you against spending Christmas with her, but I thought it would be nice for Edward to have some other children to play with. And to be quite frank, I know Charlotte must have been grateful for all the financial assistance you were able to give her—discreetly.”
“Charlotte is perfectly happy!” Emily said far more waspishly than she had wished to. She was being unfair, and she knew it even as she was unable to prevent herself from going on. “And I enjoyed Christmas with her and Thomas— in fact, I loved it.”
Caroline’s face eased into a smile and she quickly put her hand over Emily’s. “I’m sure you did, my dear. Your affection for each other is one of the nicest things in my life.”
Emily felt a ridiculous prickle of tears and was furious with herself. She did not wish to distress her mother, and yet with the best will in the world Caroline was devising a future for her which so utterly misunderstood what she wanted, it was unbearable.
“Mama, I refuse to sit on parish committees, so on no account speak either to your vicar or mine; you will only embarrass yourself, because I shall not turn up. If I do any good work it will be something real, perhaps with Great-aunt Vespasia. But I won’t sit around pontificating on other people’s morals, handing out saving tracts and homemade broth from a great height!”
Caroline sighed, gritting her teeth. “Emily, at times you are most childish. You really cannot behave like Lady Cumming-Gould. She has quite a name in Society. People tolerate her because she is very old, and because they still retain a certain respect for her late husband. And at her age it doesn’t matter a great deal what she does; it can always be discounted as senility.”
“I never met anyone in my life less senile than Great-aunt Vespasia!” Emily defended her furiously, not only in her affection for Vespasia but for the wit and pity she represented. “She has more good judgment about what really matters in her little finger than most of the rest of Society in all its fatuous heads put together!”
“But no one would marry her, my dear!” Caroline said, exasperated.
“She’s nearly eighty, for goodness’ sake!” Emily shouted.
Caroline would not be diverted by reason. “Exactly the point I am trying to make. You are barely thirty. Consider your position with some sense. You are a pretty woman, but you are not a great beauty, as Vespasia was; nor are you born of a great family. You have no alliances to offer, no connections with power.” She looked at Emily seriously. “But you do have a considerable amount of money. If you marry beneath yourself you will lay yourself open to fortune hunters and men of the most dubious sort, who may well court you out of greed and the desire to gain entry to Society on the strength of your past connections with the Ashworths. It is a sad thing to have to say, but you are not a child; you know that as well as I do.”
“Of course I know!” Emily turned away. Jack Radley’s face came vividly to mind. He was charming and seemed so frank, with those marvelous eyes fringed with long lashes. Was he a superb liar, capable of skilled and sustained deceit? All his future might depend on it: if he wooed and won her he could stop worrying about money for the rest of his life. For the first time since his childhood he would be secure; he could dress as he liked, buy horses and carriages, gamble, go to the races, invite people to dinner instead of incessantly seeking invitations in order to dine well. He would no longer have to curry favor, he could afford at last to like and dislike as he chose. The thought was intensely ugly, and it hurt more deeply than she would have believed even a few weeks ago. Emily took a deep, rather shaky breath. “Of course I know!” she said again loudly. “But I have no intention of marrying a bore simply to be sure his motives are not financial.”