Leo hadn’t been able to miss the scars on Logan’s body. There were rough scars where someone had used a knife on him and neat, surgical scars left over from the doctor who had saved his life. But they all formed a road map of the trauma that should have Logan twitching in his boots.
“You aren’t even close to spanking girls, Logan. There’s a training process involved. It doesn’t consist of just throwing you out there with a paddle and whip. Tell me something. You seem comfortable here. The idea of these people being tied down doesn’t bring back bad memories?” He’d rather expected Logan would have a bad reaction to the dungeon.
Logan shrugged. “Nah. I’m cool with it. I’ve hung out with enough pervs to be okay with a little kink.”
Yes, Logan seemed perfectly comfortable, but if he wasn’t bothered by anything, then why was he here?
“Are you sure I can’t spank her? Maybe I’ll let her spank me.” Logan watched as a lovely blonde made her way through the crowd. She was full figured and definitely older than the young man.
But he certainly wouldn’t call Janine a cougar. Leo smiled as his ex-wife made her way toward them. She was bigger than she was when he’d married her, three children in six years having taken a bit of a toll on her figure, but she glowed with happiness. She was beautiful. He understood why Logan would want a piece of that.
But the fact that he was still joking about spanking after what he’d been through made Leo deeply suspicious. Logan Green put up a great wall. It was up to Leo to bring it down.
Logan straightened up, his chest puffing out a bit. “Hey, Doc, she’s coming my way.”
“She’s coming my way, but I like the positive attitude. Logan, meet Janine, my ex-wife.”
“Oh, I’m so much more than that, darling.” Janine smiled and held both hands out. Leo gave her what she wanted, drawing her into a hug. He’d married Janine straight out of college, before she went to med school and he began working on his PhD. They had lived in this very club, working their way through school thanks to the largesse of Julian Lodge. “I’m his past. The one who just won’t go away.”
“I don’t want you to go away, dear.” He took her hand in his. He wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, but he needed it. He sent Logan an authoritative glare. “Stay here. Don’t get into trouble.”
He led Janine to the hallway where the stairs began that led up to the playroom.
“Damn, this must be serious. Is Wolf all right? Did the Navy damage him? Does he need help?”
Even years later, Janine still cared about Wolf. His brother made an impression. “I want to know if I was a good husband.”
Her eyes widened. Her hand tightened on his. “Oh, sweetie, what’s going on?”
“Wolf showed up today and I was kind of a dick, and he made me question a few things.” Leo ran a hand across his head, pushing his hair back. “I started to think that maybe I haven’t been the best brother.”
“What did he say?”
“He said something about me being harder on the people close to me than I am on people who don’t mean as much. Like I sacrifice my relationships for my patients because it’s easier to sink myself into them.”
“Smart man. Wolf always claimed he didn’t have a brain in his gorgeous head, but he was so emotionally intelligent.”
Leo’s felt his eyes roll. “He’s not that gorgeous.”
Janine’s lips curved up. “Oh, baby brother is one hot hunk of man, but he’s also right. Do you really want the truth? As your ex-wife and a psychiatrist?”
No. He didn’t want either. He wanted her to tell him that he’d been perfect and it was all her fault that she’d fallen in love with another man. But he knew deep down that was wrong. “Just give it to me, Janine. Come on. Haven’t you waited years for me to ask you for your professional opinion?”
Two shrinks should never marry each other. They never stopped the psychoanalyzing long enough to have a relationship. Yet, when he’d gone into the marriage, he’d gone in with his eyes open. He’d been pretty sure it would fail.
Janine turned her blue eyes up, and that piercing intelligence pinned him. “You’re right. You always have paid more attention to your patients than your personal life. You do it for the same reason you greatly prefer to flirt with unavailable women. You have a deep-seated fear of responsibility.”
“I sure as fuck don’t,” he shot back. He hadn’t been prepared for that. He’d been ready to listen to her talk about his commitment issues, but no one ever claimed he didn’t take responsibility. He preached it.
She shrugged, not at all upset by his hostility. “You do, Leo. Oh, you’re committed to your patients, but that’s a professional thing. It doesn’t involve your heart and soul. It’s an intellectual exercise that brings you pleasure. You enjoy fixing people, and when you’ve fixed them, you move on to the next damaged soul. But here’s what you don’t understand, Leo. Your brand of therapy is very personal for patients. You make them your friends. They come to trust you and love you, and when you’re done, you move on.”
Fuck. Had he really done that? He didn’t take on many patients, but now that he thought about it, he hadn’t talked to Trev in months. He’d been Trev McNamara’s rock for three years, and he’d not once called just to see how the man was.
“Julian misses you.”
Leo stared down at her. “I haven’t left Julian. I’m right where I’ve been for ten years.”
She shook her head. “No, you’re not. I had lunch with him the other day. I asked about you, and we talked. He misses his friend. Before he got married, you spent time with him. Now you’ve waved a wand and declared him fixed and moved on to the next person who needs attention, but Julian misses you. He finally gets the lesson about how to truly care about the people around him and you’ve moved on.”
He hadn’t meant to. It had just been easier to do his job. Julian hadn’t needed him anymore. Except maybe he had and Leo was too self-absorbed to see it. “Why did you leave me?”
Her smile turned sad. “Because you fixed me, too, Leo. You took a woman who had been abused and helped turn me into a fully functional human being capable of great love. But I wanted to be loved, too. I wanted someone to be passionate about me, and that was never going to be you. I’m not sure why you married me. Maybe because it seemed like the only way to gain my trust and set me free, but I had to repay the favor. You think I left you for another man, but he was a convenient excuse. I needed to let you go or you would have just gone on the way you were going. The only true passions in your life would have been intellectual.”
“But you married him.” He could still remember the day she’d told him she was leaving him. He’d said all the right things, but if he was honest deep down, he’d been a bit relieved. Their marriage had been a mistake.
“Yes. A happy accident. It turns out that when I did something good for the man I loved, I found the one who loved me, and Leo, that’s been the joy of my life. I woke up one day and realized that bald lawyer was the best thing that ever happened to me. And you made that possible. I’ll love you until the day I die for that, Leo. But I wish you would wake up and see what you’re doing. You’re running away by standing still.”
He’d called Julian a manipulative bastard, but manipulation was the language of Julian’s love. What if he’d been doing exactly what he’d said he was doing? Trying to make things better for both Leo and Shelley? Guilt assailed him. He’d railed at the man who had given him so much.
And Wolf. Fuck.
Julian had asked him earlier to step back and give his professional opinion of what Shelley needed. What was his professional opinion of himself? If he had a patient with his background and history, what would he think?