Then I’m back to Ulysses. If I get through this shite, it’s all down to Jimmy J; it’s great tae lock intae his Dublin. I’ll go ower thaire and check it oot one day.
When I eventually fell into a sleep Sick Boy woke me up — cunt never seems to kip — only to tell me that he’s been kicked off the one-on-ones with Skinny-Specky and now has to work with Tom again. That he ain’t too happy is an understatement. ‘She said that I was behaving inappropriately. Of course, she’s just scared her ice-maiden front will slip. Just because I telt her straight: “I need to be honest, Amelia. We have a problem. I’ve developed strong feelings towards you.” Of course, she immediately goes, “This is inappropriate.” Fuck me, she’s like a Dalek. IN-A-PROP-REE-ATE … IN-A-PROP-REE-ATE —’
‘Fuck sake, Williamson, ah’m cream crackered here. Ah’ve just goat oaf intae nodland. Can this no wait till the morn?’
I might as well have been talking tae masel.
‘So I sais tae her, “You can’t tell me to express my feelings, then start hiding behind roles whenever I do. It can’t be me putting up barriers, then you setting boundaries when it suits your purposes; that just reeks of hypocrisy. It’s fundamentally dishonest.” Well, you could tell that goat it right fuckin up her.’
In spite ay ma exhaustion, I wis getting interested. ‘What did she say?’
‘Oh, the usual pish: went on about how she was here tae help enable my rehabilitation, and it was me who was being dishonest and manipulative — ye ken how they try and twist things. Said I should explore why I can’t relate to a woman in any way other than a sexual one.’
I tried to keep a straight face. ‘What did you say?’
‘I told her: who mentioned sex? That I wisnae trying tae cynically seduce her and was frankly offended at the inference. I agreed it would be completely inappropriate for us to have anything other than a client/practitioner relationship in here; that would undermine both my recovery and her position at this facility, and I respected her too much to do that. That I was only mentioning those feelings to try and get some transparency into what could be a tricky situation. That put her right on the back foot.’
‘Brilliant. You’re a sick cunt, but a fucking genius. What did she say? How did she respond?’
You could see him bridling back some indignation, deciding to simply take the praise. ‘She was flustered, so I steamed in. “I’d really like to see you outside, once this is all over,” I told her. “I appreciate that you may have a partner, perhaps even be in a committed relationship …” she kept her pus straight, but I read it like she wisnae getting a length, “… I’m talking about as a friend, to have a coffee and a chat. That’s all I can ask at this stage.”
‘So she looks at me that inscrutable way and says, “You’re a very young man, Simon …”
‘“And you’re a young woman,” I hit back.
‘At that point I sensed she was fighting back a girly blush, but she said, trying to be that urbane way, “I think I’m considerably older than you imagine.”
‘“Funny … I put us at around the same age,” I told her. “Obviously, with your qualifications, you must be maybe one or two years older than me … but this is all irrelevant.”
‘“Yes,” the frosty hoor went right on the counter-attack, “it certainly is. What is relevant is that our working relationship has been compromised. I’ll arrange for you to go back to Tom for your one-on-one counselling.”
‘Fuckin hell, I could feel myself panicking big time as I tried to talk her roond, “I just don’t relate to him like I do you.” Ken what she sais?’
‘Nup. What?’
‘“It’s how you’re relating that’s the issue.” And she wouldnae discuss it further.’
Once again, he sat up most of the night talking in an even monologue, almost all of it self-justifying bullshit. After a while, I couldnae pick oot a word he wis saying, but the weird thing was that I didnae want him tae go now, as his voice wis oddly relaxing, and it wis helping me drift off. But the fucker snapped his fingers in my face a couple of times so I telt the cunt tae get tae fuck. But as soon as he left, I was wide awake again.
Day 28
How long does it have tae fuckin rain ootside? It seems tae have been pishin doon with nae respite since I got here. How long can you feast your eyes on the scrawny limbs of the trees, watching birds drop out of the sky? Looking out at the shadowy overhang, reproaching yourself for living badly?
Depressed as fuck. Feeling like Neil Armstrong, walking around in a heavy spacesuit, a layer of ay steamed-up glass between masel and the rest of ay the universe. I’d be happier on the moon. Armstrong, Aldrin — and the third poor bastard that no cunt kens, him who went all that way and never got tae step outside the command module — you wonder why they bothered coming back.
Day 30
Breakfast: Porridge, toast, tea.
Meditation: A shaky, ill-constructed, frustrating wank in my room.
Process group: Molly being passive-aggressive to Audrey, making her deliberately uncomfortable by trying to force her into opening up. ‘It makes me sad when ye jist sit thaire sayin nuthin, Audrey, cause ah feel you’ve a lot tae offer the group n we’re no seein that right now. It also makes me feel isolated as ah’m the only lassie speakin up in the group.’
Auds sits chomping intae the skin around her nails. No comment.
Tom nodding slowly, then regarding Audrey, ‘Audrey, how does that make you feel?’
Audrey turning to him, and saying, in an even voice, ‘Ah’ll talk when I want tae talk, no when it suits other people.’ Then she looks at Molly wi steel in her eyes. Molly’s as shocked as the rest ay us, visibly backing doon, shrinking intae her chair. So barry to witness!
AUDREY RULES!
Substance dependency group session: Molly Bloom, after her psychic mauling from Auds, has come back out punching at the patriarchy. It’s old adversaries Seeker and Swanney that she has in her sights. ‘How can they be part ay this group if they’re dealers? If they make thair money by supporting people’s addiction, sorry,’ she looks at Tom, ‘substance dependency? Ah cannae see it. Ah jist dinnae git it.’
They sit back impassively enjoying her anger. But I’m a tad miffed at her constant criticism of oor muckers on the supply side. Where would we be without them? There’s a scary thought! Skag, skag, skag, how we loved it; that pure, white shite we’d cop for wi such enthusiasm doon at Johnny’s. He called it China White, but this shit had never seen the Orient n it wis an open secret it came fae a lot closer tae hame. For me it was love at first bang, marriage at first chase. Aye, ah love ma skag. Life should be like it is when you’re skagged up. ‘Maybe the point is that we all support addiction in our own ways,’ I venture, suddenly scared ay how much I sound like Tom.