The man himself speculates, ‘Is that not the nature of the disease?’
‘It’s not a disease.’
‘Okay, condition,’ he does that inverted-commas-wi-the fingers thing, ‘if that makes people feel more comfortable.’ He looks around the shoulder-jolting sea of call-it-what-the-fuck-ye-like faces. ‘We don’t operate on a strictly medical model of addic — substance dependency,’ Tom concedes, and I can’t help a triumphant swagger in the chair as the ooohs go round the stadium at this faux pas.
Great pro that he is, Brian, I think the lad Curzon will be as upset as anyone by that enforced error.
Individual counselling: Felt crap and said nothing ‘of significance’. Then Tom asked me about my relationships. I felt too uncomfortable talking about my family, or Fiona or Hazel, so I mostly rabbited on about Charlene, describing her as ‘the love of my life’. He seemed only mildly perturbed when I told him she was a professional shoplifter.
‘What did you love about her?’
‘Her hair. It was amazing, a real force ay nature. She had a barry erse n aw.’
‘What aspects of her personality appealed to you?’
‘I liked her professionalism. How she could spot a store detective easily. They were generally male, thirty-five to forty-five and, in body-language terms, looked like amateur shoplifters. In between pretending to scrutinise goods, they glanced at shoppers; judging clothing, then searching faces and watching hands. Simply dressing well took you off the radar of around 80 per cent of them. All eyes would be on the shell suits or the scheme labels. An Adidas crest on a garment always set off alerts. Charlene’s chorrie bag usually had a badminton racket sticking ootay it, tae convey a sporty and thus wholesome image. She wore great make-up when she went out to thieve; it shot her right up the social ladder fae Thames Estuary estate tae Young Conservative. Wisnae much impressed by ma clobber, though. “You look like a junky shoplifter, Mark,” she’d tell me.’
I watched the muscles in Tom’s visage slowly slacken and droop.
Journal Entry: Insight into my condition
I accept that I’m somehow, and for some obscure, pervasive reason, doing this stuff with heroin to myself. I’m not going along with all that powerless loser shite that it’s a disease.
IS IT FUCK A DISEASE.
I’ve done this to myself. I could be anticipating graduating from university, or perhaps getting engaged tae a beautiful girl. Aye, I could go on about addiction as an ailment, absorb myself in the medical model, but now that I’ve detoxed, I’m officially no longer physically addicted to heroin. Yet at present I crave it more than ever; the whole social thing; copping, cooking, banging up and hanging out with other fucked-up ghosts. Shuffling around at night like a vampire, heading for grubby flats in run-down parts of the city, tae talk shite with other deranged, unstable losers. How can I sanely prefer that sort of activity to being with — making love to — a sweet girl, going to a film, or a gig, or having a few beers and heading to the
I’m no ready tae stop.
But if I say that in all honesty tae Tom and Amelia, the game’s fuckin over.
Day 31
Swanney leaves; his time here is up. Most people are relieved, cause he’s been a bit ay a cunt tae them. I think it’s a defence mechanism with him. Something scares him: it’s buried deep, but you can sense it. He’s usually fine wi me, like when I first kent him at the
I would fuckin kill for a ride right now.
Journal Entry: On housebreaking
I have to be honest and admit it: I love housebreaking! And the main motivations are not even monetary gain or class-war politics (although I’ve only ever screwed, or intend to screw, big, posh homes). No, it’s primarily about being interested in how other people live. I generally treated the places I broke into with respect, encouraging accomplices to do the same. In one house, judging by the pictures on the walls and the fridge, the holidaying family seemed really nice, so I wrote them a note apologising for any hassle and trauma caused by the break-in. I stressed that it wasn’t personal and we needed the money, told them how we gained access and even offered some basic tips on home security.
The behaviour in my last house, the QC’s place, where I wrote the stuff on his wall about Cha (basically to placate Begbie, who I felt was getting dangerously radge), was pretty much out of character.
I knew it wasn’t the case, but I always regarded myself as more of a guest than a thief.
Day 32
Missing Spud and Swanney (I’m probably the only one with regard to the latter). Keezbo very depressed. Talks the same shite over and over. He always seems like he wants to tell me something profound, so I sit him down, all ears, and then it’s back tae the same old about being imprisoned by Moira and Jimmy oan the balcony at the Fort. I love the man, but he’s starting tae fracture my tits and I find myself avoiding him as much as I can.
Now I’m empathising with Tom and Skinny-Specky; they must feel like that all the time. But fuck them, they’re gittin fuckin peyed fir it.
Journal Entry: Concerning my ma and her ma
My ma was taking me to the dentist. I was about ten. It was a hot day so we stopped in Princes Street Gairdins for some tea for her n juice for me. A group of tourists asked us directions in broken English, and she started spraffin away in perfect French, engaging them in an extended conversation.
Afterwards, when they left, she looked guilty. Embarrassed that she’d done this in front ay me. I kept asking her how she kent so much French; I wouldnae let it go. She eventually confessed tae us that she’d got a scholarship tae James Gillespie’s Girls’ School, but her cunt of a ma, auld Granny Fitzpatrick, wouldnae let her go. Said it was ‘too far’ fae Penicuik, being ‘two buses’ away. The worst part wis I mind ay Ma sayin, ‘Ah suppose it wis for the best.’
Even then I thought: wis it fuck for the best.
Day 33
After brekkie, two newcomers tae the unit. A wee gadgie, his gait hobbled tae a slow shuffle, and wi a pronounced tendency tae drool, and an astonishingly fat lassie, even bigger than Keezbo. There’s no fuckin way she could’ve been a smackheid, surely. But the politics ay the situation hold little interest fir me, as I’m anticipating getting the fuck oot myself, and am determined to tough it oot.