‘But I don’t know how to cope. I’m like a little girl when I get upset.’
‘You’ve a big heart.’
‘There’s real issues on this planet. People suffer so much, they don’t have rights, or votes, or freedom. Some people don’t have their health. Some live in warzones. And then there’s me. A useless eejit. I don’t even have proper reasons to be sad.’
‘Natalie, don’t break your shin on a stool that’s not in your way.’
‘But I can’t seem to help it. Then I make myself feel bad about feeling bad for not having it bad enough to feel like this. I’m stuck revolving in a guilt circle.’ I sigh dramatically. ‘It’s a bit Irish, isn’t it?’
She has an amused look on her face. ‘Let everyone else be with their lot, and you yours.’
Timothy and Claudia snigger throughout the next class, a trip to Greece. They correct me during it on details and places they’ve already been to, from the time they holidayed on a first class cruise to Santorini.
Boris and Pamela defend me, saying that if they don’t like it they should piss off.
‘Why don’t you piss off?’ Claudia replies.
‘Nobody piss off,’ I say.
‘Well, maybe we will,’ Pamela says. ‘It doesn’t bode well for a day opening it with your awful attitudes.’
Timothy flicks his wrist. ‘Off you go.’
Boris gives a twenty euro tip and says they will not be returning. I make a plea but he acts like he can’t hear me. His decision is made. The end.
Lorna is behind him, queuing to speak to me. Boris leaves and she smiles awkwardly.
She rubs her neck and says, ‘I’m not sure about these sessions. They’ve gone a bit unpredictable. I might go to Boxing Bootcamp on Wednesday lunchtimes instead.’
‘Sorry, Lorna,’ I say. ‘I didn’t mean for—’ but she walks away.
I shower and feel dejected. In the local café, I order pancakes. After pancakes, I have a vegetarian breakfast – the large one.
I prepare a spin class for Russia the following week but the older couple bring Mikolaj with them.
‘See?’ they say and point angrily.
I flip off my Russian music and switch my phone to a normal playlist. Mikolaj bloody comes from near there. I can’t go through with it. I abandon my script plan and panic, trying to conduct a normal spin class, but the first song that comes on my phone is from Spirit of the Wolf Native American meditation music I played a month before, when we went to South Dakota.
Mikolaj is dismissive of what’s happening.
I get off my bike and apologize, go over to skip the track; a generic pop song rescues me. I revert to Andrea’s initial class structure. The same old routine of all the spin classes in the leisure centre. It goes okay until I realize my phone’s on shuffle. Sufjan Stevens’ lamenting voice comes over the speakers singing a bleak song about his mother’s death. The song ends with a loop of him saying we’re all going to die. Mikolaj signals for me to leave by glaring at me and then the door, repeatedly. I get off the bike and pull my phone out of the speaker.
I turn at the door, see Mikolaj adjusting the instructor’s bike and taking over the class.
In the café, my heart drums and I order a ton of food.
I imagine myself getting bollocked by Pat in the morning when he’s in. Andrea’s disappointment. Mikolaj’s sneer. And I’ll be numb, busted out from eating, overfull from everything I’ve ordered, feeling worthless. Helpless.
Fuck that. There’s no need to make everything worse for myself.
I call the waitress back and cancel. Change my order to a coffee and avocado toast.
I know as I walk back, something will happen, but I feel curiosity more than dread.
Pat calls me and Andrea in for a meeting after morning break.
Mikolaj is there too, contemptuous.
‘This isn’t a magic bike carpet ride. We are not children. Do you know even how to do this job in a correct form?’ Mikolaj asks. ‘You think because you’ve attended a few cardio sessions you’re a coach? Are you qualified for this work?’
‘No,’ I say. I keep my head down.
Pat says, ‘I have to report it, Natalie. It’s irresponsible of Andrea and you to do this. What sort of playlist was that?’
‘I had other music lined up, but didn’t want to – when I saw Mikolaj—’
‘Don’t put this on me,’ Mikolaj says.
‘No, I wasn’t going to, I just…’ I flounder.
Andrea’s head is still but she glances sidelong at us all.
Pat says, ‘Okay, explain yourselves, ladies. What the hell was going on? You should already know that people are not interested in anything other than a workout.’
‘I wanted it to be more than a spin class. Like a free travel experience, a history lesson, an adventure,’ I say.
‘I thought it was a regular HIIT workout she was doing. I wish I’d known what you were up to,’ Andrea says and turns to me, ‘I’d have come along. It sounds like good craic.’
Pat says, ‘Natalie, creativity is wonderful in its proper context. But this is a county council job. I was told you were taking money for it? You’re not a qualified fitness instructor. What if there’d been an accident? We’d have no cover for it. All our jobs would be on the line.’
Red rises to my cheeks. ‘They said it was a tip. I didn’t want it. They wouldn’t take it back.’
Andrea clears her throat. ‘It’s my responsibility, Pat. I started this. I should have told you that we’d made this arrangement. I thought it’d be a good opportunity for her to learn to instruct while it was low season.’
‘How are we going to limit damage control here? I refuse to put my neck on the line over this,’ Pat says.
‘I’ll go,’ I say. ‘I’m not qualified. I kept pestering Andrea to give me more sessions. She didn’t want to. Tell them that I tricked you into it or something, Pat, if they’re asking. I’ll write my formal notice up this afternoon.’
Outside the office, I say to Andrea, ‘I should have told you I was doing mad stuff in the classes.’
‘No, I’m sorry, Nat. I should have been supervising. I’d never seen you so happy. You had some direction. You were luminous. I didn’t want to take the classes back off you. Truthfully, I was enjoying the sleep-ins.’
‘I got too carried away,’ I say.
‘You were passionate and, you know what, you were a good coach. Djetska said it to me. You encouraged them. You’ve got something, Nat, develop it.’
‘But it’s daft.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know. I’m not in good enough shape to be doing this work.’
‘Who says?’
I’m silent. Who did say?
Mam’s tears trickle down her cheek and tremble on her jaw. ‘There’s a problem, Natalie. Gran fainted this morning so we brought her to the doctor. He said her heart may not be pumping hard enough for blood to get around her body. Her blood pressure is quite low.’
‘Oh right.’
‘Yes.’ She bows her head. ‘He stabilized it but we’ll be going back to him again in the morning to see if she’s deteriorating. If a bed gets freed up in the hospital, he’ll probably send her in. Will you pack a bag with her in a while, just in case we’ve to go straight? She refused to let me do it. She might be okay with you. I want her to have her own things with her. Beads, a notebook, a picture of Granddad, just in case. I’m going to head home and ring Dolores in Oz and the lads in England. They might want to come back to Ireland now as soon as they can.’