“At some point, you have to stop running and face this. You both need closure so you can move on with your lives. You owe that much to each other.” He paused and lowered his voice. “You owe that much to her.”
I closed my eyes and leaned against the window. “She got the closure she needed when she found out who I was…a monster who used her. She deserves to be happy, but that can’t be with me. She’s probably already moved on and is dating someone else.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure, Ty.”
“What makes you say that?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.”
I simply nodded, not responding. As much as I wanted to believe Mackenzie hadn’t moved on, I knew it would never work out between us. How could she trust me again when, for the short period of time we were together, it was based on duty, an obligation? When it all fell apart, I blindly followed my brother’s instructions that I leave the country, at least until any potential threat had been neutralized. I should have picked up the phone or sent an email, despite my brother’s warning that I not communicate with her at all. Now, so much time had passed – too much really – I was sure I had ruined any chance that I was still on her mind.
Sighing, I pulled my dog tags out from under my t-shirt and stared at the diamond ring hanging on the chain. It was now a reminder that all actions have consequences, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I didn’t deserve anything except to live with the lonely again, as I had been doing since I watched Mackenzie disappear into the back seat of a taxi. It was the penance I deserved to pay.
We passed the remainder of the drive in a strained silence. Around mid-afternoon, we finally pulled up to the remote communications center. It was in the middle of nowhere, no other civilization visible. To the outside world, it appeared as a small military base, tall metal walls enclosing the compound, barbed wire surrounding the area, but it was really a CIA outpost we were granted permission to use to communicate with people back home.
Pulling up to a dark gray armored door, Eli punched a secure access code into a keypad and we were granted entry. Eli parked the truck in our usual spot in front of a small white brick building that looked like it had seen better days.
Nodding a greeting to the guard at the front door, I proceeded past him and unlocked what had become my office. Eli waited outside, making small talk with a few of the agents on duty.
I checked the clocks on the wall, seeing it was roughly nine in the morning on Sunday in Boston. Opening up my laptop, I connected to the secure satellite, giving me internet access. I was about to launch a video chat with Alexander when my email caught my eye. I had ignored all my emails, per my brother’s instructions, but when I saw the sender of the latest one, there was a lightness in my chest, an unexpected rush of adrenaline coursing through me.
I could hear my brother’s voice in my head, urging me to delete it, not to read it. But why? So much time had passed. I doubted anyone would take notice of any communication between us. Just seeing her name forced thousands of feelings I had fought to bury over the past few months to rush to the surface.
I missed her.
God, I missed her.
Her hair. Her smile. Her laugh. Her scent… Cinnamon. It followed me everywhere.
Closing my eyes, I imagined how different things would have been had she not found out, or if I had been truthful with her when I realized I was falling for her. Would she have walked away? Would I still have been shipped across the ocean while my brother attempted to neutralize any threat? Was that really what he was doing? I certainly had my doubts.
A renewed sense of determination washing over me, I opened my eyes. Instead of blindly following orders, as I had been doing since day one of basic training, I did what I believed to be the right thing. I clicked on the email, bracing myself for what it contained.
Her words piercing my soul, bleeding me dry, it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room as I struggled to breathe. I could picture Mackenzie in my head…sitting on her bed, wearing a tight black tank top and boy shorts, what she always slept in, tears soaking her face as she wrote these words to me. I thought I was doing what was right, giving her space so she wouldn’t be faced with a constant reminder of her biggest mistake. I was convinced my presence would cause her pain. I never imagined my absence caused her even more.
I continued to read her words, the stabbing ache in my heart growing more pronounced, more intense. I had been a coward, justifying my reticence to get in touch with her on the grounds that it wasn’t safe to do so, and even if it were, how a simple phone call couldn’t fix this.
Nearing the end of her email, a lump formed in my throat as I soaked in the last line, my eyes glossing over those final words. Despite it all, she still loved me. Screw following orders. It was time I followed my heart. This was a second chance for me, and I refused to ruin it.
Printing out the email, I folded it and placed it in the pocket of my shirt, over my heart. A light feeling about me, I was about to launch the video chat session with my brother, then decided against it. He knew me. He would pick up on the fact that something was amiss, that I wasn’t being truthful…that I was happy. Alexander was good at what he did and I knew he would say something that would make me second-guess my decision to abandon my post and return home.
Disconnecting my laptop, I rummaged through the office, grabbing everything I needed and throwing it into my pack. I opened the door and Eli noticed the crazed look on my face almost immediately.
“Everything okay?”
I shook my head and reached into my pocket, shoving the folded email at him. He started reading, his eyes darting from the email to me and back again. “We’re leaving,” I said sternly.
“Back to camp?”
“No. We’re leaving the country. We’re going home. It’s time I try to make this right.”
“What about your brother’s warnings?” he asked smugly, throwing my own excuses back at me.
“None of that matters anymore,” I insisted, my voice full of passion as we dashed out of the communications building and into the truck. “The only thing that does is giving Mackenzie what she needs… The truth heard straight from me. If she still turns me away after that, then fine. But she still loves me, Eli. I’m not going to let what we have slip through my fingers. Not again.”
I should have done this months ago.
Mackenzie
“ARE YOU SURE YOU don’t mind, Brayden?” Standing in his office at the law firm, I stared out the windows and onto the streets of Brownsville, my eyes glued to that same dark sedan that had been tailing me off and on for the past few days.
“Of course not.”
“I know I need to get a new car eventually,” I said, sauntering back toward his desk. “I can’t really fit a baby seat in my little convertible, can I?”
“Don’t worry about any of that, Mack. If you need to swap cars with me for a while, I’m fine with it. Believe me. I think James would love cruising around in your convertible.” He winked.
“Thanks, boo.” I stood on my toes and planted a kiss on his cheek. “You’re the best. I’ll make sure to fill it with gas.”
“Don’t even think about it. But if you need gas, here.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a stack of bills.
I held my hand up. “Brayden, I don’t want your money.”
“Well, I don’t, either. So if you’re not going to use it to fill up my car with gas, you can go buy my little nephew some toys or…whatever babies need.”