“What caused it?”
My heart thumped in my chest and I stared down into her eyes, intrigue and compassion covering her expression. She reached up and cupped my cheek in her hand, the contact comforting me.
“It’s okay,” she said.
“The first few years of my life, I lived in Connecticut. Did I ever tell you that?”
“You may have mentioned it.”
I grabbed her hand in mine, finding peace in her support. “We lived in Mystic. It’s on the shore, an old seaport. My family was well-off and lived in a beautiful estate on the river that was a captain’s house during the nineteenth century. I spent my summer days playing with friends and causing trouble. One day, this green pick-up truck drove up to us. The driver rolled the window down and called out to my friend, Craig. We couldn’t have been more than seven or eight at the time. Craig didn’t recognize the guy, but the man said he was his uncle, that there was an accident and he had been sent to take him to the hospital to see his parents. When he heard that, Craig jumped in the car without hesitation, although something didn’t seem right to me. Growing up, your parents always tell you never talk to strangers, and that’s all good in theory, but when you think something horrible has happened to the only family you have, all sense of rationale and reason gets tossed out the window, doesn’t it?”
I could feel Mackenzie nod in agreement, although I didn’t see it. My eyes were closed, the scene of that moment in time playing out in front of me.
“There was a statewide search for Craig. His photo was flashed on the television, plastered on phone poles, printed in every newspaper. I remember asking my mom where his ‘uncle’ took him. I could only imagine how difficult it was for her to explain to me that his uncle didn’t take him. The weeks went on, the summer ended, and we went back to school. A desk in our classroom was left open for Craig in the hopes he’d come back.
“September in Connecticut could still be warm and, after school on a particularly hot day, a few of us decided to go for a swim in the river. There was a little alcove beneath a bridge we would always go to. I was the first to take a running leap, cannonballing into the water. I remember opening my eyes, swearing I felt a hand grab onto my leg.” I paused, needing a moment to collect myself. I had never shared the intricate details of that experience with anyone before, except for my therapist and parents years ago.
“What did you see?” Mackenzie asked softly.
“Craig’s body. His face was bloated and there were bruises all over him, but I knew it was him. I tried to get out of the river as fast as possible. In my head, I was treading water for an eternity, calling for help. In reality, it was probably only a matter of seconds. I felt helpless, like if I didn’t call someone that second, Craig would die, even though I knew he was already dead. I don’t remember what happened after that, but that night was the first time I had the nightmare.”
“Did your mother ever tell your therapist about all of that?”
“She did, but my therapist thought it best I remember what happened on my own instead of someone simply telling me. To be honest, I wouldn’t have believed it if she had told me. Once I finally worked through what my brain was protecting me from, the nightmare eventually went away.”
“When did it come back?” she asked.
“When Melanie died. I felt helpless again. Once I joined the navy, it went away again because my routine helped me cope with the guilt and loss. But then…”
“Yes?”
“Then I lost you.” I looked down and met her eyes. “And the helplessness returned, but it was more intense than before. Alexander sent me away because he was concerned for my safety, but that didn’t help matters. With each day I didn’t see you, I felt myself lose more and more control over everything in my life. I felt like I was drowning, all the lies and deception pulling me down.”
“And now?” she asked, running her fingers through my hair.
“Now I’ll live with the nightmares. I deserve it for what I did to you.”
She closed her eyes, a content expression on her face. Her lips turned up slightly as a breeze blew her hair.
“Say something,” I said after several silent moments passed. My admission remained hanging between us, making me uneasy. The guilt I felt for not doing something to protect Craig all those years still ate away at me at times. I wondered where he would be today if I had been smarter and told him not to get in the truck. Would he have listened?
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Something. Anything. What are you thinking?”
She flung her eyes open. “Do you really want to know?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”
“I’m thinking…” She paused, studying my face for several intense, protracted moments. Finally, her gaze softened. “I’m thinking it’s time to go home.” She slowly raised herself up from my lap, taking a minute to steady herself.
“Home?” I asked, deflated, as she brushed her sundress off.
“Yes. Home.” She headed toward the house and my shoulders slumped forward. I thought we had turned a corner. Perhaps I was wrong.
As she approached the steps, she halted. Clenching her fists, I could almost sense an internal struggle going on between her head and her heart. Her shoulders rose and fell, and she spun around towards me. “Aren’t you coming?”
Mackenzie
“THIS WAY,” TYLER SAID to me that evening as we emerged from his company’s jet and headed toward the flight operation base at Brownsville airport. “I have a car waiting.”
“Wait.” I stopped. “I parked my car at one of the long-term lots.”
“I’ll have Eli arrange to get it to you.” He gestured to Eli, who nodded in agreement. It seemed peculiar to be standing between these two men again, as if no time had passed at all, as if things were back to how they were before I found out the truth. Eli’s eyes were trained on me, a soft expression on his face. I could almost see the apology etched there, as if he hoped I wouldn’t hold a grudge against him for his role in the assignment, and I knew I couldn’t. He was simply following orders. I couldn’t blame him for that. But wasn’t Tyler doing the same thing? Would I be considered a hypocrite if I forgave Eli and not Tyler?
“Mackenzie?” Tyler interrupted my thoughts.
“Fine. It’s not the same car, though.”
He looked surprised. “You bought a new car?”
I avoided his eyes. “Not exactly.”
“Then what?”
I placed my hands on my hips in frustration. I knew I would have to eventually tell Tyler about what his mother had done for me, but I was dreading it. I was worried he would think everything fell apart when he left, and that I couldn’t function without him in my life. That wasn’t the case at all.
“Mackenzie, just tell me.”
“Fine,” I exhaled. “Your mom paid me a visit to apologize for you being a prick. Then she saw you knocked me up and must have seen the huge stack of overdue bills on my kitchen table. So she paid off the loan on the restaurant and my mortgage. She’s also covering all my medical expenses, and bought me a new car that could fit a baby seat.” Spinning on my heels, I stormed away from him and toward the waiting SUV.
The driver reached for the door, about to open it, when Tyler rushed forward. I was waiting for him to press the issue, to ask questions I didn’t feel like answering. Much to my surprise, he simply held the door for me.