“Nuthin!” the trucker/preacher shot back. “But do you think a man—a natural man, not one of those New York trannies—would be caught dead on the streets of Dooling in a dress? No! They’d be called crazy! They’d be laughed at! But the women, now they get to have it both ways! They forgot what the Bible says about how a woman should follow her husband in all things, and sew, and cook, and have the kiddies, and not be out in public wearing hot pants! Get even with men, they mighta been left alone! But that wasn’t enough! They had to get ahead! Had to make us second best! They flew too close to the sun and God put em to sleep!”
He blinked and rubbed a hand over his beard-scratchy face, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing—spewing his private thoughts to a barroom filled with staring people.
“Ike-a-rus,” he said, and abruptly sat down.
“Thank you, Mr. Carson Struthers, from RFD 2.” That was Pudge Marone, bartender and owner of the Squeak, hollering out from behind his bar. “Our own local celebrity, folks: ‘Country Strong’ Struthers. Watch out for the right hook. Carson’s my ex-brother-in-law.” Pudge was a would-be comedian with saggy Rodney Dangerfield cheeks. Not all that funny, but he gave a fair pour. “That was some real food for thought, Carson. I look forward to discussing all this with my sister at Thanksgiving dinner.”
There was more laughter at that.
Before the general conversation could start up again, or before someone could plug in the juke and reanimate Mr. Tritt, Howland stood up, holding a hand in the air. History professor, Frank suddenly remembered. That’s what he said he was. Said he was going to name his new dog Tacitus, after his favorite Roman historian. Frank had thought it was a lot of name for a bichon frise.
“My friends,” the professor said in rolling tones, “with all that has happened today, it is easy to understand why we haven’t yet thought of tomorrow, and all the tomorrows to come. Let us put morals and morality and hot pants aside for a moment and consider the practicalities.”
He patted Carson “Country Strong” Struthers’s burly shoulder.
“This gentleman has a point; women have indeed surpassed men in certain aspects, at least in western society, and I submit that they have done so in ways rather more important than their freedom to shop at Walmart ungirdled and with their hair in rollers. Suppose this—let’s call it a plague, for want of a better word—suppose this plague had gone the other way, and it was the men falling asleep and not waking up?”
Utter silence in the Squeaky Wheel. Every eye trained on Howland, who seemed to enjoy the attention. His delivery was not that of a backwoods Bible-thumper, but it was still mesmerizing: unhesitating and practiced.
“The women could re-start the human race, could they not? Of course they could. There are millions of sperm donations—frozen babies-in-waiting—stored in facilities all across this great country of ours. Tens and tens of millions across the world! The result would be babies of both sexes!”
“Assuming the new male babies didn’t also grow cocoons as soon as they stopped crying and fell asleep for the first time,” a very pretty young woman said. She had appeared alongside Flickinger. It occurred to Frank that the trucker/preacher/ex-boxer had missed one thing in his oration: women just naturally looked better than men. More finished, somehow.
“Yes,” Howland agreed, “but even if that were the case, women could continue to reproduce for generations, possibly until Aurora ran its course. Can men do that? Gentlemen, where will the human race be in fifty years, if the women don’t wake up? Where will it be in a hundred?”
Now the silence was broken by a man who began to bawl in great, noisy blabbers.
Howland ignored him. “But perhaps the question of future generations is moot.” He raised a finger. “History suggests an extremely uncomfortable idea about human nature, my friends, one that may explain why, as this gentleman here has so passionately elucidated, women have got ahead. The idea, baldly stated, is this: women are sane, but men are mad.”
“Bullshit!” someone called. “Fuckin bullshit!”
Howland was not deterred; he actually smiled. “Is it? Who makes up your motorcycle gangs? Men. Who comprises the gangs that have turned neighborhoods in Chicago and Detroit into free-fire zones? Boys. Who are the ones in power who start the wars and who are the ones who—with the exception of a few female helicopter pilots and such—fight those wars? Men. Oh, and who suffers as collateral damage? Women and children, mostly.”
“Yeah, and who shakes their asses, egging em on?” Don Peters shouted. His face was red. Veins were standing out on the sides of his neck. “Who’s pulling the motherfucking strings, Mr. Egghead Smartboy?”
There was a spatter of applause. Michaela rolled her eyes and was about to speak. Full of meth, blood pressure redlining, she felt like she could go on for perhaps six hours, the length of a Puritan sermon. But before she could start, Howland was off again.
“Thoughtfully put, sir, the contribution of a true intellectual, and a belief that many men advance, usually ones with a certain sense of inferiority when it comes to the fairer s—”
Don started to rise. “Who are you calling inferior, jackwad?”
Frank pulled him down, wanting to keep this one close. If Fritz Meshaum had really gotten hold of something, he needed to talk to Don Peters about it. Because he was pretty sure Don worked at the prison.
“Let me go,” Don snarled.
Frank slid his hand up to Don’s armpit and squeezed. “You need to calm down.”
Don grimaced, but didn’t say anything more.
“Here is an interesting fact,” Howland continued. “During the second half of the nineteenth century, most deep-mining operations, including those right here in Appalachia, employed workers called coolies. No, not Chinese peons; these were young men, sometimes boys as young as twelve, whose job it was to stand next to machinery that had a tendency to overheat. The coolies had a barrel of water, or a pipe, if there was a spring nearby. Their task was to pour water over the belts and pistons, to keep them cool. Hence the name coolies. I would submit that women have historically served the same function, restraining men—at least when possible—from their very worst, most abhorrent acts.”
He looked around at his audience. The smile had left his face.
“But now it seems the coolies are gone, or going. How long before men—soon to be the only sex—fall on each other with their guns and bombs and nuclear weapons? How long before the machine overheats and explodes?”
Frank had heard enough. It wasn’t the future of the entire human race he cared about. If it could be saved, that would be a side-effect. What he cared about was Nana. He wanted to kiss her sweet face, and to apologize for stretching her favorite shirt. Tell her he would never do it again. He could not do those things unless she was awake.
“Come on,” he said to Don. “Outside. I want to talk to you.”
“About what?”
Frank leaned close to Peters’s ear. “Is there really a woman at the prison who can sleep without growing webs and then wake up?”
Don craned around to look at Frank. “Hey, you’re the town dogcatcher, aren’t you?”
“That’s right.” Frank let the dogcatcher bullshit slide. “And you’re Don who works at the prison.”
“Yeah,” said Don. “That’s me. So let’s talk.”