I hoisted myself up on the sill and dropped in quietly, expecting to wake her up. But there was no one in her bed. I felt a minute of panic and was ready to leave when I heard someone else climb through the window. A hundred thoughts went through my head at once, but I wasn’t quick enough to actually act on any of them. So I was standing like a dummy in the middle of her room when I realized Brenna was sneaking back in.
She put her hand over her mouth when she saw me and we stood looking at each other across her room for a shocked minute.
“Brenna?”
She flew across the room and threw herself into my arms. Somewhere in the back of my head I realized that she must have been out running. She was sweaty and wearing muddy sneakers and her favorite running hoodie. Just like with the paper, I was kind of upset that she hadn’t been sitting in her room, waiting for me, sad about our whole fight.
But that wasn’t what I loved about Bren.
I loved that she was herself, fiercely, and she didn’t pout or mope. She was honest and open and smart. She was mine in a way, but she was mostly just her own. And that was what I loved most about her.
She hugged me so tight, I was having a hard time breathing. “I love you. So much! I haven’t stopped thinking about you. And I’m sorry. The essay…it’s just random thoughts, you know? I should have thought about you, how you’d feel. I really like what I wrote, and I hope you realize that it wasn’t about how I don’t love you. It’s about how love can be so complicated and huge and beautiful, and how there’s enough of it for everyone we ever meet.”
“Okay.” I ran a hand down her hair.
“And when I wrote it…I was thinking about love in general. I don’t know. I guess I just think it’s so stupid to apologize about what I think or what you think, you know? But I do love you. I really love you. So much. And I hope you know that if I didn’t feel it for you, I’d just tell you. I’d never pretend or anything.” Her face was really serious and worried. She was beyond just beautiful. She was strong and smart and pretty fucking perfect, mind-boggling essays included.
“I believe you.” I meant it. And then I kissed her. Because we had wasted a lot of time not doing that. And that was the worst waste of time I could imagine.
“Did you read it?” she asked, pulling her mouth away.
Her hair was all falling out of her ponytail and surrounding her face like a golden-brown cloud.
“Of course I read it.”
She bit her lip. “Was it hard to read? I mean to get. Not that you couldn’t get it--”
“I had Saxon read it to me,” I cut in.
Her face went bone white. “Saxon read it?”
“Yeah.” And just so we were all clear, I added, “And I don’t know if Cadence read it, but Saxon told her about it.”
Brenna’s mouth got small and she shook her head. “I’m sorry. I mean, I didn’t realize that so many people would, um…”
“Be affected?” I offered.
“Yeah.” Her eyes were wide with terror.
“Cadence seemed okay with it,” I told her.
“How do you know?” Brenna asked eagerly, grabbing my hands in her still-cold ones.
“Because we hung out last night. Cadence and Saxon and me. And she said that she could see your point.”
Brenna’s eyes got narrow and suspicious.
“What point?” She was talking carefully, listening carefully to what I said back.
“That you found me and Saxon attractive. Like that it was overwhelming. To be around both of us. At once.” And each word I said made her look more pissed and made me wish I hadn’t mentioned it. But at the same time I was glad I brought it up. Brenna had a flash of rage.
“That’s notwhat I meant, Jake.” She smiled a little and tried to keep cool, but I could see the worry in her eyes. “So you and Cadence talked about it? Hmm.”
I couldn’t stop smiling. “Sucks doesn’t it?”
“What?” She was having a hard time keeping her voice light.
“Being jealous.” I couldn’t tone my grin down.
“I’m not!” she insisted too fast.
“Yeah.” I had to laugh at her. “You definitely are. But Cadence helped me get it, you know?” I knew I was wading in deep, but I couldn’t help myself.
“How?” Brenna asked.
“Because she’s really good-looking and nice and smart. And I figured if it had been Cadence and Saxon before I met you, I might have tried to get her to date me. So I get it.”
She shook her head and opened her mouth, then closed it and shook her head again. “Seriously?” she finally wailed. “That’s it for you? That’s what you think?”
She was mad, like self-righteously mad. “Yep. I think that’s it. And I think I’m right, Ms. Blixen.”
And, finally, she really calmed down and laughed a little. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe.” She glared, but it was mostly all an act.
“You’re just mad that I’ve got you figured out, and you aren’t all that deep after all.” I kissed the top of her head. “Should I go? Is Mom up yet?”
She shook her head. “Don’t go. Will you hide under my bed?”
“Brenna,” I groaned.
“Please!” she cried. “Please, please! C’mon, we had a pretty crappy day yesterday. Let’s just hang around. Just me and you. No more crazy surprises, I promise. Maybe we can ride again?” She smiled coaxingly. “Please? Under my bed. She’ll leave for work soon. Pleeeease?”
I laughed again, and it felt damn good. She was a pain in the ass, but she made me laugh like no one else could. “Alright,” I said, lying on her floor and wiggling under her bed. “I can’t believe the things I do for you!”
She hung off the side of her bed, her hair down around her face. “Thanks, Jake. For lots of cool stuff you do.” She moved her face to mine and kissed me, Spiderman-style, then grinned and headed out of her room, leaving me shaking my head under the bed.
It figured that when we kissed Spiderman style, it was Brenna who got to be the superhero.
Chapter Thirteen
Brenna
“I wish I could be there tonight.” Evan sighed into the phone. “Why did you have to meet me right when I turned over a new leaf and decided to stop skipping school? Last summer, I would have been back on a plane to see you already. First class. Are you excited?”
“I am.” I had Evan on speakerphone so I could straighten my hair while we talked. “And I wish you could be here, too. How is school? It’s so weird you’re in school already. Seriously, starting in the summer should be illegal.” I gooped shine enhancer on my hair and clamped the paddles high up on my scalp, pulling the hair through until it fell glassy smooth.
“It’s been alright. I’m hell-bent on straightening myself out and all. So no more shenanigans. Or, not many shenanigans. I’m trying to organize my school folders. Gramma says I need to stop flying by the seat of my pants and start doing all the work. I need you to help me arrange my files. You’re a born organizer. Like a human queen bee or whatever the big ant who hatches all the babies and controls the zombie minion ants is called.”
“Aw. That’s the creepiest, sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me. You can mail me your stuff, I’ll organize it and mail it back.” I ran the paddles over my hair again.
“Gramma wouldn’t approve. I have to learn to be more like you. I promise I will be a hive of productivity. Or an ant hill. Or something productive and organized.” The sounds of some sappy love ballad were playing in the background, and I could hear the mix of love words that were so breakup-related, like never againand let you goand stole my heart, that I felt a little burst of worry. We hadn’t really talked about the whole Rabin thing much, and she sometimes seemed too over it to truly be over it.
“So, what’s up with you? Is it better starting at a new school with all new people?” I looked at my own reflection in the mirror and tried to sound more cheerful than I looked. I just had this feeling that Evan was going through things she wouldn’t tell me about.