“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And I think the women especially scare the shit out of me, but I kind of love all of them, even if they’re batshit crazy. Am I just insane?” I asked. Or at least, I tried to ask, but she was kissing me and, suddenly, talking about English class was pretty much the last thing on my mind.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She whispered the question in my ear after she pulled her mouth away from mine.
“At first, I didn’t know if I was going to stick with it. Then I was thinking you’d just think I did it because you told me to. But I thought about it for a long time. And today, even though I know you wanted me to use the bike my dad sent, you stood up for me. So I know you’d believe me when I tell you that I’m doing this because I trust you, and I really did listen to what you said. And I won’t get left behind, alright? Big plans for both of us. But, I’m still following you wherever the hell you go. That’s non-negotiable.”
Honestly, I’d made up my mind when I decided I couldn’t accept that damn bike. I knew it wasn’t in me to take bribes from my family, but I also knew that I wanted the kind of life they had. I wanted to be able to afford good shit and not work like a dog. If I was going to have it all, I had to change. I couldn’t just keep doing the same idiot stuff and expect a different result. So I decided to put my lazy brain to work and see where it got me.
For a few seconds after I explained, it was Brenna and me, sliding together like a key in an ignition. Or almost like that.
But not quite. Because I hadn’t forgotten this weekend was theweekend. And there was another part to my whole grow-the-fuck-up-and-stop-being-chickenshit plan. A part that scared me so much more than crashing headfirst into a dirt mound on my bike or flunking every test I attempted to take.
Because nothing scared me more than the way I felt about Brenna.
“I’ve got a surprise for you.” I liked the way I could see her trying to figure it out, like watching gears click and whir together.
“What is it?”
I took her by the hand and led her outside, to the truck. “You just gotta see it. That’s all. C’mon.”
We got in and she hung her head half out the window, letting the wind pick her hair up and whip it back. I kept my eyes equally on her and the road, and at least twice had to remind myself to do things like blink and swallow. She was so gorgeous, it ached to look at her.
We pulled down a long, unused road I knew like I knew my truck, like I knew my past, like I knew my feelings for Bren, so sure they gave me courage just when I was about to chicken out.
When we got far enough down the road that it petered into nothing but a gravel path, I cut the engine and took it out of gear. “Wanna drive the rest of the way?”
“Really?” She bounced a little with excitement.
“Have you been practicing?” I tried to use a good school-teacher voice, but I don’t think I really had the hang of it.
“Yes!” She clapped a little and her eyes were wide and shiny. “Mom’s been taking me out every Sunday. And Thorsten made me parallel park for two hours in the parking lot at the mall one morning. I’m ready. Is it legal?”
“Yeah.” I paused. “Kind of. Not exactly. It’s just because we’re only a year apart. I need two years of being licensed. Legally. But I don’t even know if this is a road. Legally. You worried?”
She shook her head. “Not even a little bit. Can I just say that I’ve been waiting for months to drive this truck. I’m so psyched. Seriously!”
I hopped out of the driver’s side and she scooted into the driver’s seat. I walked around the front of the truck, and it was surreal, seeing Bren behind the steering wheel of my truck. I was feeling a weird pride about being one of the people who would teach her how to drive. For me, there wasn’t anything that meant freedom and possibility the way a license to drive did.
I got in the passenger side and tried to get comfortable in a seat I’d never sat in before. “This is weird.” Everything felt weird. Even the fact that the seatbelt got pulled down over my right shoulder instead of my left struck me as profoundly off. “Okay, you got all the basics, right?” I double-checked.
“I’ve got the basics,” she assured me. “But, Mom’s car is an automatic.”
I grinned wide. I knew that, and, cool as it was to help teach her to drive, teaching her stick was even more awesome. “The pedal all the way to the left is the clutch pedal, okay? It releases the clutch and lets you pull the stick into gear. Make sense?”
Brenna leaned back and checked the pedals, then tapped the one far on the left with her foot. “Got it.”
“Push the clutch all the way, and you gotta use your left foot. You never use your left for anything else, but you have to pull it out for this. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Turn it on.” I watched while Brenna turned the key and the engine hummed to life. “Alright. To move forward, you gotta move the shifter towards you…yeah, left, and you push it forward as far as it can go. Good. Now you’re in first. Now listen, cause this is tricky. Listen first, okay. You’re gonna let off the clutch and, simultaneously, you gotta give a little gas. Ready to try?”
“Ready.” Brenna sat on the edge of her seat and leaned forward, let the clutch out too fast, and grunted in frustration when the truck jerked forward and stalled. “Shit. I stalled.”
“Congratulations. You’re learning to drive stick.” I smiled across the seat at her, overwhelmed with a feeling of camaraderie with my very cool girlfriend. “Do it again. After a couple tries, you’ll get the hang of it. It’s something you have to just get the feel of.”
She bit her lip and tried again. And again. And once she got it and we stopped lurching like crazy, we worked on moving into second, where she stalled a few more times. Bren tended to be one of those people who had a knack for things and always caught on quick. It irritated the hell out of her to stall out so many times, but she kept at it, and soon she was cruising. Slowly, but cruising.
Brenna drove with a cool confidence that probably had as much to do with the fact that she’d never almost flipped a truck as it did with the way she attacked everything with head-on enthusiasm. She leaned over the wheel slightly, her eyes fixed on the road, her mouth in a serious, concentrated line. She followed the path until it gave up even attempting to be gravel and just turned to high, soft grass. She glanced at me.
“It’s alright. You can pull over right there.” I pointed to a flat spot and she pulled in and parked the way I instructed her with coordinated grace, then looked at me like she’d just won her first heat.
I shook my head at her. “I knew you’d be a natural driver. I’d better get used to sitting on the right. It’s still kind of weird for me.”
“You should have come to Ireland with me. Then we could have practiced, and you’d get to stay on the left.” She draped herself on the steering wheel and gave me a lazy smile.
“Maybe I will come next time you go.”
At that minute, it felt real. The whole damn world felt real and raw and attainable in a way it rarely ever had before.
The afternoon was sliding into evening, and the air was a little cool. I grabbed a duffel bag out of the back of the truck and walked around to Brenna.
“What’s in the bag?” she asked, turning sideways so she could hook her legs around my waist and pull me close.
“Secrets.” I liked the way she kept one hand hooked on the steering wheel. I never imagined I’d be so turned on by watching someone drive as I was by watching Brenna.
“You’re pretty full of them this summer, aren’t you?” She squeezed her legs and my head swam.
“Not really. I’m just a dumbass, and it takes me a while to figure out the answer, even when it’s hitting me upside the head.” The strap of her tank top had slid down the curve of her shoulder, and I hooked one finger through and pulled it back up.