“I think it’s just because you have the world’s roughest hands.” I bit my lip as he rubbed in from my arms, his hands on my breasts and down my stomach, then lower.
And then we stopped talking and joking. His fingers rubbed low until he slid inside me and worked a steady, gentle rhythm that made me grab at his shoulders and bury my face in his neck until I shook against his hand. I hugged his neck tight, my eyes closed against his skin, and felt completely safe and treasured in his hold.
“Bren?”
I took one last deep lungful to savor the smell of him and looked at his face, so handsome, his gray eyes soft and serious in the darkening light. “You’re so beautiful,” I whispered.
His smile was half embarrassed, half completely pleased. “I’m glad you like what you see.” He kissed me, his mouth sweet and slow over mine, while his arms wrapped me tight. “I’ve never loved anyone in my life the way I love you, Brenna. And if you want to stop right now, I’ll stop, no problem. But if you want more…if you’re ready to do this, I’m ready to…I’m happy to…do this with you.”
“I do. I want to.” My voice shook, but I focused on Jake: the warm, sharp mint-and-autumn-leaves smell of him, the heat of his skin, the love that bloomed out of his eyes and twined my heart in a sure, sweet comfort I knew I would never have to doubt.
And then the pace changed. We didn’t glide soft and slow anymore. I nipped at his bottom lip and he squeezed my butt hard. His mouth dragged down my neck and he sucked lower, then back up, teasing my skin with his tongue and mouth. I rained kisses all over his ears, his jaw, forehead, his soft, sun-warmed hair. My hands pulled and rubbed down his arms, his back, around to his chest and stomach, then even lower. We rolled over, so I lay on top of him, my hand sliding down between our bodies so I could find the zipper and button of his jeans and somehow yank them down. Our hands twisted together in our excited, nervous grope and his laughter hit my ears in a soft wave.
“You’re always so eager to get me out of my pants,” he joked as he got his zipper down and slid the pants below his hips.
When he lay so close next to me, I felt a whirring wonder at the still-new feel of our bodies so close and so exposed.
“You can’t possibly appreciate how cute your butt is out of your pants.” I smiled at him, but my attempt at keeping it light stuck in my throat, because this was real.
It was happening, and I was both so ready for it and so nervous I could hardly think. My body pressed against his, my skin hot on his skin.
He pinched my butt to make me smile, and then he rolled me back under him carefully. My hair tumbled all over the blanket, and his body pressed down on mine. Our smiles faded and he licked his lips nervously.
“You tell me if you need me to stop. If you need anything, you let me know. Right away,” he said, his voice hushed, his eyes dark with worry.
I nodded, my heart doing a wild, adrenaline-powered tap-dance in my chest.
Jake reached for his jeans and pulled a condom out of the pocket. He ripped the foil packet and slid it on, and my mind was racing too fast to process it all. I looked up, and the leaves danced on the wind between the trees above us. The creek rushed and sang, the sky glimmered with the first few, faint, pale stars. And at the center of all this beauty was the gorgeous, loving face of my boyfriend, eyebrows smashed together with worry, mouth flattened in a serious line, eyes burning with focus.
I put my hands up to his face and held it, looking right at him. “Don’t worry. I love you. I love you so much. This is good. This will be so good.” I made sure my voice didn’t even shake.
Jake’s face lost all its worried lines, and he kissed me softly and leaned his forehead against mine. “I love you, Bren. Let me know if anything hurts or you need me to stop. Okay?”
I nodded and kissed him hard, holding my breath as Jake drew a few inches back. “I love you, too,” I said, the words taking a quick tumble out of my mouth.
He gave me a final kiss and then it happened.
For one intense, uncomfortable minute, I was enveloped in a shooting, squirming burn of tight discomfort. Jake’s eyes searched my face, his mouth bunched in desperate nervousness, and I managed a big smile and nod through the haze of my pain to let him know he could keep going. He made sure he kept his eyes on mine and read my every look, checking to see that I was okay.
Once I adjusted to the feel of him, I tried moving under him, surprised by how much of this was all awkward positioning and strange, burning discomfort. Jake and I had been together for awhile, and so much of what we did was easy and fun. A tiny, panicked part of my brain worried that sex would fall into a different category and would forever be like a nightmare game of Twister.
But once I stretched enough that I got used to the way our bodies joined, the pain eased and then it was gone. The tingle that started out overly tight and possibly never-ending bloomed into something more sweetly filling and then, suddenly, so good I stopped tensing and cautiously moved my body in time to Jake’s.
Jake’s expression was a mix of loose-cannon worry and intense concentration. I squeezed him around the waist and moved my hands to his hips, wrapped my legs around his, and pulled him closer. I could smell the sweaty-sweet tang of his skin and feel his body actually in mine, so intimate and amazing, I wondered how anyone could ever do this with someone they cared about and not be at least momentarily in complete love. Relief that it felt so good made me relax, and it felt even better.
“It’s okay for you?” His voice came out on a ragged breath, and he smoothed my hair back with his hands.
“Better than okay,” I said on a breathless laugh, so happy, I wanted to stay here, with him, in this place, doing this thing we were finally doing forever.
He locked my mouth in a long, sweet kiss, then changed positions slightly until I felt the same buildup of warm, hard-to-control shakiness that engulfed me like a warm bath, reverberated through me like the hypnotic beat of a perfect song, and whirled in my blood like a thousand carbonated bubbles exploding from the top of a champagne bottle on New Year’s Eve.
I wrapped my arms around him hard, pulled against him, wanting to be closer to his skin and his body and him, even though we were locked so hard and tight against each other, there was no space between us. Jake moaned my name, kissed me again, and then a few frantic seconds made everything rush and crash together in a twisting burst of sweetness.
We both panted, arms and legs locked each other under the soft purple-gray glow of the sky at twilight, and Jake pulled back slowly, untangling himself from the twist of our overlaid limbs, then rolled over to take the condom off. He tucked it back in the wrapper and took a long second to just breathe before he turned back to me and gave me the longest, slowest, shyest smile that I had ever seen cross that boy’s lips.
“You feel alright?” He pulled his boxers and jeans back on and sat next to me.
I could have stayed right where we were all night, but the sun had slid completely behind the horizon, and the air was chilly. “I feel amazing. Thank you.”
His laugh got tangled up in the cool breeze, and he made himself busy gathering my clothes and offering his clumsy help to dress me. I knew it was so I wouldn’t see how pink his ears were.
“Thank you.” His voice crept out in the dark. He didn’t meet my eyes as he pulled my tank top over my head, backwards, and opened his mouth like he was going to say more. Then closed it. Opened it again. And closed it.
“You look like a fish.” I fixed my shirt and took his face in my hands. “Are you okay?”
“I’ve just never felt like this. You know. After. I feel…” His voice sounded so scratchy and rough, I had no idea what to expect when he looked up. “I feel so fucking amazing.” He crushed me to his chest and held me, his breath hot and unsteady through my hair. “I love you. I wanted it to be like this, but I wasn’t sure it could be. I’m just…I love you.”