Saxon stood on unsteady legs, and Cadence reached into his pocket for his keys and pressed him back.
“I’ll move it.” She started across the field at a brisk jog before he had a chance to argue or follow. About twenty half-drunk male heads swiveled in her direction. Saxon stood back up, weaving from side to side as he attempted to chase her, but he swayed so badly Jake had to catch him before he careened into the fire.
Jake looked at me, and I nodded. I knew exactly what he was thinking, and we didn’t need to say a single word. I felt a warm swell of pride that my boyfriend was the kind of guy you could depend on to pick up the pieces when things fell apart.
“I’ll help her out, Saxon,” Jake said, his voice cool and smooth around the electric air between them. To me, in a lower voice, he asked, “Bren, you wanna sit with him while I go?”
“No problem.” I kissed him softly and he smiled his relief and thanks.
Saxon shook his head with a bleary jerk and thudded down heavily.
I sat down next to him, careful to maintain a few necessary centimeters. “How’s the bonfire?”
“I’m ruining it for Cadence.” Saxon stretched his lips up in an attempt to grin, but there was a scowl of self-hatred right underneath his expression.
“On purpose?” I leaned forward, pressed my hands between my knees, and squeezed them together. The fire roared when it caught a bunch of pine branches thrown on top ablaze, and I closed my eyes against the explosion of heat.
“Not…exactly.” He twirled the brown beer bottle between his fingertips and looked up at me, his face so full of hurt and worry, it singed more than the fire. “What did it feel like when you fucked it all up with Jake?” He slid closer, so our legs were brushing against each other, and I could smell the yeasty, bitter-sweet stink of beer thick on his breath.
“It was awful, but you know that. So why are you asking me this?” My voice shook all over the words I had to rip from my throat, and a little of the glimmer of the day rubbed off under Saxon’s questioning.
“I’m a little scared, Blix. Help a guy out.” His next attempt at a smile was so far from the real thing, it bordered on farce. He patted around in his pockets and found a pack of cigarettes. He lit one with trembling fingers and took a long drag, his face finally relaxing a little.
“What do you have to be scared about? You did it, Saxon. You did what no one thought you ever would. You got Cadence to date you, and she’s amazing. She loves you. Her family loves you. Aunt Helene loves you. You proved how hard you can work, you proved that nothing can beat you. What’s the problem?” I leaned forward as the cool night wind picked up and sent a shatter of sparks mixed with smoke from his cigarette whirling through the air. He looked up at me, his dark eyes full of a fear so cellular, it popped and crackled in the inky black pigment of his eyes.
“I’ve been this hero. This whole summer, I’ve been the anti-fuckup.” Those wild eyes snapped and snarled like rabid black dogs chasing their own tails. I shook my head. “Hear me out. Hear me out, Blix.” He held his fingers up, the burning cigarette sparked between them. “They have no idea what a fuckup I really am. In here.” He tapped his heart with the solid thud of those two long fingers and the orange cherry danced in the darkening night.
“You’re not,” I argued, my voice insistent. “You’re going to be totally fine. You’ve already proven it, Saxon.”
“Shouldn’t it be a little less scary?” He took a long drag, then tilted the beer bottle to his lips. I watched his neck muscles work as he drank too much, way more than he needed unless he was going for full-on obliterated. He stopped and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I think my pendulum swung, you know.” He held one balled fist to his left. “Dirt bag.” He moved it to his right. “To hero.” He shook his head and stared at the fist. “Which am I?”
“Both,” I whispered, wrapping my fingers around his fist and squeezing. “And they’ll all love you no matter what. Trust me.”
His eyes shone with mocking laughter. “Why? Because you loved me when I was a dirtbag? You’re something else, Blix. You can’t get it. Oh, and newsflash! Gerald’s giving me the money as soon as summer’s over.” He ran his hands through his hair, leaving it sticking up at weird, shiny angles. “All that fucking money. I could just give Aunt Helene a chunk and blow out of there. Maybe I should. Because I have this awful feeling that things are too good, and I’m going to fuck it all to hell.”
I breathed in and out, deep and calming. “No. Listen to me. You’re drunk and you’re over-thinking things. Just slow down. Cadence is the one for you. She’s amazing. You have to give this a chance. You have to try for both of you. If you leave, you’ll regret this forever. I’m telling you right now.”
He opened his mouth and crooked his lips in a cocky smile.
“Hey gorgeous. You didn’t crash my car, did you?”
I watched Saxon’s face and saw the truth of his profound sadness mingled with his intense love when his eyes snared Cadence in their sight. He wrapped his arms around her willowy waist and she ran her fingers through his hair. I saw in the clutch of his hands, too tight and shaky at her hips, that he wanted to do what was right, but didn’t know how.
“We probably need to get going.” Cadence pointed a finger down at Saxon and rolled her eyes lovingly, throwing us an indulgent smile. “This one had a little too much to drink.” She lifted him up and he swayed, but found balance at her strong shoulder.
“I love you. So much,” he said overly loud and with a twinge of despair that struck me low in the gut.
Her smile was dazzling, and her eyes were full-on adoring and only for Saxon. “Shh. I know. I love you, too. Let’s get home.”
“You need any help?” Jake asked.
She shook her head as she led him away. “We’ll be alright. Thank you guys! Sorry we’re ditching so early.”
Jake and I watched the two of them stumble back to Saxon’s car.
He led me to the log Saxon had been sitting on, and we watched the fire lick all the way up to the navy sky. “They seem pretty happy.” Jake’s voice settled with a peace that felt the polar opposite of Saxon’s struggling, mangled confessions.
I snuggled against him. “They do. I hope they stay that way.”
I wondered if I should tell Jake what Saxon said to me, but decided against it. He was drunk and over-emotional. He’d come back to Sussex County after making so many changes. It wasn’t real. It was just too much alcohol and rambling words. Nothing to worry about. I squeezed closer to Jake anyway, clamping next to his skin for comfort.
“The fire is beautiful.” He held me in his arms and rocked me back and forth in a rhythm I never wanted to stop.
“Jake, are you planning on taking your inheritance?” I asked as the flames crackled and licked in front of us.
His gray eyes held steady. “I don’t know, Bren. It’s a hell of a lot of money. And I was around a whole lot of it this summer. I kinda think it does more bad than good, but who knows? I’ve got months to think about it, anyway. They won’t release my trust until I graduate high school. You worried I’m gonna get rich and up and leave you?”
I stretched my legs out in front of me, hoping Saxon was wrong about the terms of his money, hoping everything was going to work out just the way it was supposed to.
“Nah. You and I are in this for the long haul.” I laced my fingers through his.
“That’s right. I love you for life, Brenna Blixen.”
And then he pulled me close in the aching beauty of the fire-backed night and kissed me in the cool, clean air on this simple, free evening at the end of a day that had started one way and ended in a whole other, different, better place. I pulled him close and held tight, because, deep down, I knew that Jake Kelly and I were about to face the biggest changes of our lives, and I wanted to hold the beauty of this moment still and warm and forever unchanged in my heart for as long as I could.